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Hello,
General advice please. On ANY part of my situation.
Married since 2006. Wife has always got overly upset and angry out of the blue for small things.
A year and a half ago i told our parents in the hope it`d stop it. Didnt.
We now have 3 and 1 yr olds. Joint mortgage.
Angry episodes have gotten worse. Spat in my face on holiday in April. Threw an object in my face at dinner table right in front of 3 year old then threatened to hurt me if i "talked to her like that again".
Im no push over. Ive never taken it and have kicked up a fuss everytime. I can get her to admit she is getting too angry and pset and the tears flow but then she`ll do it again within days over something else. I asked her to see marriage counsellor with me. She wont.
Another nothing incident twisted to bash me. I say enough is enough and say talkings pointless now so we might as well get a divorce and sell the house or rent it. I say ill stay and pay my half of mortgage/bills until its sold/rented then we can get our own places, share custody of the boys and ill pay what i can after my basic needs are me. Im not on a large income at all.
She says she wants me out. Ive told her if i move out now all my income will go on paying for the new flat and bills and i cant pay for here too. There just wont be anything left. She still wants me out.
On the one hand i dont want her to come back from her mums on tuesday and be kicking off on me in front of the kids everyday but on the other hand i do not want to move out to avoid the fighting and be forced to stop paying the mortgage/bills. She doesnt seem to have any plan in place.
Im worried about losing access to my boys.
Im worried about our joint house getting repossessed.
I cant get a reasonable word out of her.
"youre going to regret this" etc
My parents have been very worried as theyre worried about access to see the boys. Theyre telling me not to move out and to ignore her but thats easier said than done.
Its going to be impossible to live in this house with her if she is anything like what she has been like in the past. I love her to bits and dont want to separate at all. But whats going on is insane.
At the moment my only plan is to move out before she gets back and live in my van until it gets cold. Ill continue to pay the bills until then but will then need to cancel the dd in order to be able to afford a roof over my head for the winter or ill freeze to death in the van.
Any advice/opinions on anything there would be greatly appreciated.
Hi QWE,
I think it goes without saying that that's really not a great situation to be in.
I would say get out before she comes back, try and stay with friends or your folks, It's not idea but will be better in the long run as the effect you staying will have on your children and what they may witness isn't good.
You may find that by not being there when she gets back may shock her into doing something about the issue, alternatively you may find that being away from the situation changes your view of it and how to handle it.
The one thing for sure is that your children shouldn't have to witness these out burst, I know it's tough but you and your partner need to talk and resolve things one way or the other without the children being effected.
How about a different option? see if the children can go stay with family or friends and you two have a few days alone to talk shout and generally try and sort things out without little ears and eyes about?
If you were to be gone when she gets back you could leave a long letter explaining you feelings and thoughts telling her you want to stay but don't want the issues you have now, and see if you can spend next weekend together without the children, either at home or go away, being away may change the mood alowing you to talk without it getting out of hand.
Hope you sort it, keep us posted and good luck
Darren
Hi QWE
Welcome to the Dadtalk site. I am sorry to hear about some of the problems you are facing in your marriage.
You say your wife has always been one to get upset and angry over small things that then seem to blow up into violent confrontations. There is never any excuse for violence but it may be that this is something she grew up seeing on a regular basis. Are her parents violent people?
Whatever the provocation, being violent towards you in front of your children isn't good as Darren has already said. It can be hard to accept that there is violence and abuse in yuor life. Many victims put up with their situation through fear, lack of self-esteem and like you, over practical concerns about your home, your children and your future.
Domestic violence is a crime and the violent person has the problem and should recognise it. I know your wife has refused counselling but you could still look into this yourself. Get in touch with Relate for Parents and Families http://www.relateforparents.org.uk They offer free online help and advice via life chat for problems affecting family relationships.
You can also approach your GP about it. You need to act because your children may start to become disruptive and violent themselves. Children are always the ones who suffer most when their parents split up.
You say you still love your wife and don't want to leave. Tell her how you feel and say that for the sake of the children, at first you want to do all you can to resolve the issues. As you say, living like you have been is insane.
I hope this helps but let us know how you get on.
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