[Solved] When does it get better?

Hi there

This is an awful situation for you and your kids, how long ago did she move to her parents? I wish I could reassure you, but to be honest I think your journey has just begun... Moving and taking the children isn't going to change the fact that she has a serious drink problem, I doubt she will be as successful at hiding it from her family, once she lives under the same roof as them.

It might help you, as the partner of an alcoholic, to contact Al-Anon, here's a link to their website

www.al-anonuk.org.uk

Have you spoken to the school about the children? If you explain what has been happening they can provide your children with some pastoral care; someone that the children can talk to in confidence.

From the sound of it, you and your wife haven't discussed arrangements for your children to see you, they will be missing you and distressed about all the changes. If it's not possible to communicate with your wife right now, it might be helpful for you to start the process of mediation, hopefully you will be able to sort out some contact with your children. If not I wouldn't waste any time in making an application to court for a Child Arrangements Order.

Best of luck

Second everything that Mojo wrote, and would just add that while this must be extremely hard and confusing time for you, time to action does matter, and it sounds like your kids really need it too.

The problems you and her are going through right now will either make her realize she has a problem and something needs to change, or become even more defensive and the alcohol problem get even worse, at which point you need to look at more than contact with your children. Growing up in that kind of environment will impact them negatively for years to come, sounds like they really need you right now.

I'm about to embark on the same journey

I agree the nspcc were not interested until I mentioned the profession of the mother....seems a bit odd. Very difficult situation we find our self in ...dammed if you do dammed if you don't...it's the consequence of living with an alcoholic parent Vs loose everything.
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Or leave the children with there alcoholic parent and let them possibly become addicts them self and all the subtle Psychological damage that comes with it. I went to Al anon and herd some stories. There needs to be some sort of mediation ...if the condition are not met by the alcoholic parent they loose parental responsibility. This needs to be in place before any authority e.g social services etc ....at least it's fare for all involved.
Maybe I'm being to simple on this matter. It's a hidden problem with in family because of stigma and repercussions.

Hi there,

Pastoral care at school was never a consideration as my wife teaches at my childrens school. I did everything anyone can possibly imagine or suggest to stop the ongoing situation with absolutely no success and in the end I just couldn't take it anymore seeing my children so upset and then upset again about me being upset.

I feel sick to my core when I think of how many times I sat on my beautiful daughters bed to console her and ended up weeping beside her. Recently, she has become hardened to it all and never cries but my little star now tells daddy he has bad dreams about mummy drinking and people dying, which are the exact same nightmares his dad had had for years.

So now I have a seemingly "clean" estranged wife living with her loving, devoted parents ,who comes home and knocks on her own front door to drop off the children off at the exact time promised and picks them up at the specified time. She says it was either all in my head or all my fault depending on her mood, however she is desperate to go and rent a property to get away from her parents. I know she will be struggling without her regular fix, having them are watching her and she is finding it difficult to get away with anything or she has stayed off it after social services contacted her employer but it never lasts.

The life I see stretching out ahead of me without my children seems very bleak. I miss them as only the people on here can imagine - I have physical pain almost like bereavement when I think about them. They have been my life for the last few years, because I resented doing anything with my wife much, because of the way she had become and Ive distanced myself from all my friends to the point of losing contact completely over this problem.

None of us would probably win "husband of the year" but I imagine most of us come very close to "dad of the year" if we've taken the time to be on this site wanting to unload about the unfairness of all this and how the wife usually comes out on top regardless.

Agree with everything that has been said - would also like to add that if your wife is staying with her parents, she's going to find it even harder to keep trying to hide this.

Best of luck

Hi,

She has been at her parents before and told me she managed to drink then without ever being caught. As everyone on here knows, alcoholics, and even worse a degree holding ,£42k a year, intelligent, popular, high functioning alcoholic become super manipulative and are able to hide the truth from even the people closest to them.

If she cant drink, get the cocodomol out and hey presto, we've got a middle class, over the counter buzz going on while mum & dad go off to bed at 9.30!

I'm sorry, that was probably naive of me to say. I've not had much experience dealing with people who have addiction issues.

Hi,

I think Ive got the monopoly on naive!

Its so very difficult still being in love with your wife & mother of your 2 children who has this all consuming illness and puts certain thing before her own family. Ive attended Alanon for a good while and have tried t use all the coping mechanisms but what I really want to do is shake her until she agrees to stop, as the children and I have heard too many times how sorry she is and how its always the last time.

Ive not been on the site very long, and guess loads of dads might say this but the children prefer being with me because of mummy being weird but know because I'm a man, its unlikely to happen. Everyone can say its different now, but the fact is its not and only those that have the means to throw £20k at the problem have the slimmest of chances of getting custody of their children, even though their once beautiful, slim, honest, funny hard working wife urinates on the bedroom floor after half a bottle of vodka.

I've been there, long time ago. I got my custody of my children, and that was after we had divorced and the children had been living with her for a couple of years, so that made it more difficult, but it is possible, though it did cost a huge amount of money, but if it was possible 15 years ago, it's even more so now. Personally, I would consider starting to plan leaving and taking your children with you. It won't be easy to do this, but it may be the only option in the end.