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Well following on from the "meeting new partner" debacle last weekend and a semi truce brokered during the week, another milestone has been crossed this weekend. Firstly a catch-up.
Following the well planned* introduction of my youngest son (8) last weekend to my ex wife's partner of 7 weeks we met up to discuss, I thought, improving communication, but ended up having a huge row during which she told me I was the problem and that my son is "always happy when he's with her".
Following this I texted to say we needed to stop taking lumps out of each other and when she next picked him up we made a point of speaking cordially so he could see it.
On to this weekend, she turned up across the road from our 8 year olds football matches on Saturday and sat in her car (I was subsequently informed) for 20 mins. My 8 year old approached me and said he'd seen his mum and he was worried because my 12 year old had gone to the shop near where she was parked (he has not spoken to her since she left and has expressed the wish not to do so yet despite me making it clear I think he should and other more neutral parties, including school teacher, discussing with him).
I looked across the road and saw her car was empty then saw him walking across the crowded field crying. She had waited for him to go into the shop then came up behind him, he threw his shopping on the floor and ran out. She stayed in the shop for 10 mins then left, texting me to say sorry.
I feel really confused, part of me wants to holler and rail at her selfishness and insensitivity, but part of me understands her desperation to see him and her unwillingness, in the circumstances, to accept our word that he isn't ready to see her. I find that every time I am pleasant or understanding I feel like I lose something or give something up. I don't know, honestly, if it is to help me to move on or to make her see what a nice chap I am and want to come back.
She was such a loving mum and wife and I despair at the prospect of never being close again. Every day is a challenge and the last week feels like a step backwards, as though being more understanding and less angry makes me more emotionally vulnerable.
Both the boys seem ok at present though, 8 year old spent the day with her yesterday and I have avoided interrogating him about what he did/ who he saw etc. Hard work!
It's been a real bump down to earth to go from thinking I had a special relationship and special family to living out so many separation clichés and "set pieces".
It's a long road!
* well planned in the sense of telling my son to keep it secret then attacking me as the bad guy with pre planned arguments if I asked him what he did whilst with her rather than well planned between us to minimise the impact on him
....what a thoughtless and selfish act on your exs part! I think it only proves the point that anything to do with the children needs to be planned and discussed, with the full agreement of you both. I know you've tried to do this and it has just dissolved into argument but I guess that's because the separation is so raw. At the moment you are both in very different places, she is the instigator of the change and shouldn't expect everyone to jump to her tune!
I think she is in denial about the impact her actions are having on her family. Your priority must be to protect yourself and your children and not allow her to set the "new rules". I can understand your confusion and it's natural to hope that things might return to normal but you need to store that away and deal with the here and now.
If you take my advice then it would be to keep your communication to a minimum and if possible not to meet up, not just yet. You need time to get your head round the new status quo....so does she. If it were me I would write to her to explain the implications of her actions and the fact that it had now become necessary to put things on a more formal footing. Explain that for the time being communication should be by text or email, set contact time when she can see the youngest and ask her to respect your eldests wishes and allow him time and space to work out how he is feeling. Tell her that you will be working with him about that, but he is very upset at the moment and her attempt to hijack him has set things back further.
Perhaps you could suggest mediation to get a memorandum of understanding in place, set some boundaries.
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