[Solved] Warned not apply to court again...by the judge

Its very difficult to advise as its not entirely clear what has happened.

Did your request for your daughter to stay in same school get granted. It depends what your other hearings were about

hi,

yes don't know much history about your applications but only remember about school issues. if previous applications were about school, then they probably got annoyed and thought it seemed petty. I made 2 applications in under 2 years. did not get told off, but they made it clear they don't want us returning to court again.

This was a resolution hearing for an Prohibitive Steps Order which applied for in July 2020 to prevent my ex from de-registering our daughter from school for the 2020/2021 academic year for reasons that weren't in the best interests of our daughter, and our daughter had expressed how she didn't want to be removed from school. I tried to reason with my ex, but she basically told me she was doing it regardless of what I thought or what our daughter wanted, and I even got a Whatsapp message for her telling me she was going to de-register the following morning. At that point I sought legal advice and put in the application which stopped my ex in her tracks. In the autumn, it was ordered for our daughter to remain in school until a final decision had been made at the resolution hearing, which we had yesterday. In December, I received a message from my ex saying she had changed her mind and no longer wanted to de-register our daughter. She claimed that our daughter had now expressed to her that she didn't want to be taken out of school, and so she wanted to cancel the court proceedings. It should be noted that our daughter had expressed her desire to remain in school all along, and I provided evidence to the court to that effect, but my ex had ignored her. She just didn't want to do the resolution hearing and was trying to wriggle her way out of it. I spoke to the court who advised me to keep the resolution hearing in place as the judge would want to make a decision anyway, and so something official could be made to prevent my ex going back on her word and taking our daughter out of school at a later date. So that's what I did, and I informed my ex that it was still going ahead.

As for my previous applications, the first was because my ex stopped me from seeing our daughter for 6+ months out of spite and bitterness for me not staying with her and taking her abuse any more. We went through mediation for that first, which failed within about 30 minutes. My ex outright refused any contact with our daughter and we were referred to court. An order was made allowing me contact with our daughter as well as setting out all the usual holiday, Christmas, birthday contact, etc.

The second application I had to make because my ex breached that order left, right, and centre, to do with various contact issues, as well as ongoing harassment from my ex which needed to be addressed. On the basis that mediation had failed in the past we were marked as exempt from mediation this time around. Note that we had also tried mediation between these two applications for various reasons which also quickly failed - my ex thinks mediation means she goes in a room, dictates what she wants and then I just agree to it, as opposed to any sort of proper conversation, negotiation, or compromise. However, the court, of course, wanted us to do it anyway, so I was forced into it with no other choice if I wanted the proceedings to progress. Of course, that mediation failed, and we were referred back to court where our previous order was revised and strengthened to give my ex less leeway to breach it again.

I don't understand the court's logic. They seem to think that even after failed mediation, I should never had made those applications, like I should have just gone on not having contact with our daughter. And they seem to think that it was acceptable for my ex to try and deregister our daughter without my consent and against our daughter's wishes, and that it's okay that five months into proceedings, my ex changed her mind, having wasted both of our time and money on an application which could have been avoided if she hadn't messed around like that, as well as the court's.

My ex is a genuine narcissist. She is abusive and she does whatever she wants, whenever she wants. It's inevitable that I will need assistance from the court again one day, whether it is for further school issues, contact issue, abuse or harassment towards me or our daughter. But at that point, given how they told me off (and they really went to town on me - not just then either, but throughout the whole hearing - literally shouting at me), I don't know what I am meant to do. Mediation will never work for us, and my ex never listens to me. She pretends to listen to me, so she can tell the court that she tried, but it's all for show, she does whatever she wants to do regardless. Am I supposed to just let my ex run wild for the rest of my life? Because she will be causing [censored] for the rest of my life. Even when my daughter is an adult, trust me when I say, she is never going to relent. I can't live like this anymore.

Hopefully you are seeing your daughter as per the terms of the order. Keep a diary note of anything your ex says or does which you consider unreasonable. If contact is denied then try to resolve it without court, keeping copies of all texts etc. I fail to see how the court can object to you going back if she breaches the order.

This is what I don't understand. I have done all of what you have kindly suggested up until now, and of course will continue to do so, but whenever I try to provide such evidence, they either ignore it or straight up decline it. So, I feel like they are refusing to believe my ex has ever caused an issue and basically telling me that whatever proof I give them, it won't make a difference, and I am not to apply again no matter what, unless I want to face those repercussions, which seem to be paying my ex's costs and/or having an order made against me that prevents me from ever applying to court again. If my ex achieved that, that's like the ultimate achievement for her - my abuser will have silenced me for good, which is what every abuser dreams of.

Hi

Apologies if you have already answered this but..

Have there been any fact findings of abuse against your ex? Have you have reported being a victim of domestic violence?Have you presented any allegations?

Thanks

I'm not quite sure what that means, but I went to the police after I escaped the relationship to report domestic abuse retrospectively. Between then and now I have called the police multiple times to report harassment and verbal abuse from both my ex and her partner. About 18 months ago it became clear, through the help of therapists and support services that I had been sexually assaulted twice in our relationship and I was advised to report it to the police, which I did. I decided not to pursue a court case on the matter as some family court proceedings had only just wrapped up and I couldn't face more stress and anxiety, and felt that I wouldn't win the case anyway, giving my ex even more leverage to carry on with her behaviour than she already has right now.

In terms of my daughter, I have contacted children's services multiple times in the past to report various concerns. One concern got Cafcass pricking their ears up, and they instructed Children's Services to go and speak to the school - basically, potential sexual abuse from my ex towards my daughter.

My police logs, screenshots of abusive messages, call logs from children's services, etc, are always ignored by the court. In terms of police checks, nothing ever really comes back. I'm not sure why.

Hi

Thanks for that, I guess my thoughts are that maybe you should consider getting a domestic violence support worker on board from man kind or mensadviceline?

More often than not, when it is a female victim, they are usually supported by a DV support worker from the likes of womans aid who ensure that the relevant bodies such as police social services family courts take the matter seriously and avoid some of the outcomes you have described. The courts, police, etc will not want to be seen to be taking the matter lightly as they know it will end up in the press driven by the support worker.

Men too often do not get the support needed in place to ensure the matter is taken seriously and can end up with results such as yours.

Thanks

I was unaware that such a thing was possible. Would they work alongside a solicitor as and when I need one again? I am basically trying to plan ahead so that I know everything I need to do between now and the next time I inevitably have to apply to court and I am well equipped with enough back up to not be bullied by the system, my ex, and her solicitor again.

What the judge is saying is from what u wrote is the only time u should be coming to family court again is if your ex is to breach order by not allowing contact . this must be clear breaches say u were meant to have children feb half term and you didnt get them at all.

What he dont want to deal with is all the issues regarding harrassment from your ex . No matter what she says or does they are not going to do anything about it . Its the way family courts work i am afraid if u are a dad . I wouldnt be bringing anyone to court especially a dv support worker.
It may be best now to focus on children and ignore your ex . dont engage in back and forth with her and dont even speak to her . do all communication by email/text regarding children only.

If she sends text messages swearing and going mental and u are NOT replying this constitute a criminal offence .
Family courts arent listening to whats happened to you or reacting as there is lack of evidence and the court case is abt contact to see children.

I can see where you are coming from Warwickshire, however, isn't it the case that male victims of DV have historically not been listened to by the Family Courts, nor supported, as often they have been told to just 'man up' forget about it and not seek the relevant support that is available out there? Therefore DV appears statistically a gendered issue but more and more males are now being supported.

I see it as more males/fathers, should follow the same approach as females. There is a current case being heard in the Court of Appeal which is looking at how the Family Courts deal with allegations of DV and recognising the impact on children, the primary focus is from the mothers/females viewpoint.... The outcome of this which is due in a few weeks is going to impact us all. I'm sure Bill will post something about it in due course.

So I guess what Semifinalist is saying is that the continued abuse IS harming the kids (impacting the mental health of the father naturally will impact him and his ability to maintain a healthy relationship with his kids, this is exactly what female victims (women aid) say and is part of the Court of Appeal case) and so should be considered by the Family Courts and not brushed under the rug.

Semifinalist - yes if you look up mankind initiative and/or mensadvice line and make contact they would be best to support you.. Even if they can't liaise with your solicitor, you may be able to get the support, guidance you need to move forward with things rather than struggling without support.

All the best.