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I will try and keep this fairly short..
Split with my long term partner 3yrs ago and we have a daughter now 7 , this ex has been great !
allows me as much access as I want and we have regular access in place, we also have an agreed maintenance payment between us which we both are happy with..
After we split I met another girl I knew from college, she already has 2 kids by different fathers who according her were useless, abusive, and never paid for their kids,. We had a relationship for nearly a year, but it started going sour,, she was hanging around with another guy a lot who ch was uncomfortable for me, id be workng away, and they'd be having dinner and drinking together. I even found pictures of her saved as his screensaver on his phone.. We had issues and split up, typical bloke ended up getting friendly again, then She became pregnant 'accidentally'
I tried to talk honestly and open and encouraged her to do same with me, he'll this is a very important point in anyone's life, she told me she thought it wasn't right time for kids, as we both having trouble at this point, I agreed and we both were in agreement it was probably best to abort (this was at 5-6wks) however she then told her sons she pregnant without telling me she had, or would the boys are 15 and 8... She stopped smoking and drinking too, even caught her taking supplements!
Are these actions of someone who is saying they want to get rid of child? At this point I felt wool being pulled over my eyes, She lied about going to have abortion and basically said [censored] you I'm having it.. With or without you. . I couldn't bare the distrust, all she had to do was be Honest and say how she really felt before that day.
Anyway our child was born I was there for the birth, and have been there for my son as much as I can ive tried to provide and offered regular fixed maintenance, which she has refused on several occasions., now 18months later she seen me with another girl, since then she has not allowed me access even at Xmas, I've had to jump through hoops to see him for 18 hrs on the 9th of January.
she keeps changing conditions of access , and is now refusing to let me see h? And it's his birthday next week. This time she's saying I have to pay maintenance before I can see him, which I will happily do at the rate I've been told by CMS. She refuses to believe I'm paying enough! I am refusing to show her payslip but that me being stubborn!!!
I am trying to pay her correct maintenance but she won't give me bank details. I have told her i will pay exactly what I need to, and what CMS say I should pay (told them straight my earnings and. Situation) she thinks I am trying to rip her off... I'm not!
Now she will not allow me access, and it's my sons birthday next week, saying we have to go through courts ??
Can she do this? How can I just pay her what she is entitled to? It feels like I am powerless and all i want to do is the right thing can anyone help or advise? Anyone in a similar situation??
Help!!!!!!
Hi Just some quick comments - but did not want to leave your post unanswered.
1. It sounds like you probably want to get a DNA test done, given the circumstances you mention.
You can follow the advice here, initially
https://www.gov.uk/dna-testing-parentage-disagreements
And then (when/if the mother refuses to present the child for testing), if/when a claim via CMS comes, you can "dispute parentage" and request a DNA test, which the mother will have to agree to, if she wants to pursue a claim. It is important to use "court/CMS recognised firms" at every stage of this process. The language sounds awful - but I'm trying to give you the bare facts. Other users, some of whom may have been through this process can give you personal advice - lots of knowledgeable users on here.
2. Pay the amounts you are offering for maintenance into a separate bank account (with the payments marked as "maintenance") if your ex will not accept monies and will not provide a bank account. Do not fall into the trap of building up arrears because she would not accept the money. If a CMS case is opened, you will have some money there already to deal with any arrears they may levy against you.
3. You really do need to establish (1) above, and then parental responsibility by adding your name to birth cert - if you want a good chance of sorting access. Start here
https://www.gov.uk/adding-fathers-name-birth-certificate
4. If you get this far, you probably want to try to resolve things via mediation (you can find one here: http://www.nfm.org.uk/). In any case, you will need a mediator to sign off the form C100 in order to apply to court to sort out access issues.
Yes, your ex can withhold contact. Should she? No, not without a very good reason - as a meaningful relationship with both parents is the right of the child - not at the discretion of parents (without good reason). Also, financial matters and contact arrangements for children are separate in law (the first is an obligation on the part of the parents, and the second is the right of the child) and it is a shame some parents attempt to combine the two.
Hope that helps and good luck
Did you open the case with the CMS or did she, or has one not actually been opened yet? If not, I would open it yourself with them (will cost you £20) and then see what they say about paying the money - but at least you won't get arrears as they are in contact with you.
To be honest, I'd show her the payslip - it's not worth the hassle, and it takes away an excuse she is using, and I assume the CMS will tell her your income anyway (CSA certainly do this) - if it gets you the contact back, it's not worth the point of principle.
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