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A Father @ 20
I found out I was going to be a father on September 17th......I was at a College presentation representing my company to talk about apprenticeships when she rang slightly hysterical. I went to see her as soon as I could leave, with my head in bits....she was 18 and was about to start university studying photography and I was 20, just finished my 4 year apprenticeship as a Design Engineer and about to start a 4 year (part time) degree funded by my company. Life was full on already.
We sat in her bedroom and we were both shell shocked and panicking...we weren’t ready for this...well I certainly wasn’t, I will admit that. We discussed our options...and by that I mean we did look up abortion but when I thought about this later, I realised that I don’t necessarily agree with it...that would be my latent catholic upbringing I guess.
I eventually went home...not even sure how I got there to be honest....don’t remember the drive home at all. At this point I needed time to process everything ( I have always been like that) ...but overnight she had decided she was keeping the baby and demanded I tell my parents...or she would. Instantly, I felt backed into a corner and thinking about it now...it was a form of bullying....especially as Mum was recovering from an operation from the day before.
To be honest in the 2-3 months before we found out she was pregnant, we hadn’t been getting along at all...in the beginning when we met things were great and I really cared for her. I loved spending time with her, but I also loved spending time with my friends, going to techno gigs and holidaying in Ibiza(for the music) or skiing. When we met I had 3 holidays booked and that was fine, but when I was looking to book again...she changed, she wasn’t happy at all....and this may make me sound selfish, but I was young and enjoying life, having a bit of money in my pocket from working really hard and I was in no way ready to settle down....but I was in a relationship and I never cheated. To be honest, we hadn’t even been sleeping together around that time because she was having ‘gynae’ problems...in fact the night the baby was conceived was the first time we had slept together in nearly 3 months.
Within 24 hours of finding out she was pregnant she knew exactly what she wanted and was looking at prams with her parents within 48 hours, whereas I was still in bits. I picked her up (she didn’t drive) and brought her to mine to talk and all she could talk about was prams and finding a place together when I was still trying to process the news. I tried to tell her as kindly and honestly as I could that I wasn’t ready emotionally or financially to support us living together (especially as the sole wage earner) and trying to do this without our parents and families help would be impossible. Sadly, we couldn’t agree on how everything would work...I thought we should carry on as we were, in a relationship but still living with our respective parents and share the care of the baby between us and with the support of our families we could complete our respective degree courses and mature as we did whilst we negotiated the learning curve of becoming parents at a young age...but she wanted the complete package...she wanted us to get a flat together and in her words be ‘a proper family’...and these differences were something we never got past....but I always said I would be there for my child.
Many things happened which I won’t go into but when the 12 week scan was approaching we were barely speaking, but I rang her and asked if I could go. She said I could go if I thought I deserved to...we confirmed the time as 2.30pm @ Whiston Hospital. I took the afternoon off and my Mum and Brother went with me as I knew her family would be with her. At 1.55pm as we approached the hospital, my phone rang and she asked me where I was...I told her I was 5 minutes away, to which she replied she was going for her scan in 5 minutes. I dumped the car in front of the hospital for my brother to park elsewhere and ran in with Mum...when we got to the desk she had already gone in....but a lovely Nurse ran me round and took me in...and I did get to hear my baby’s heartbeat briefly. However, when we came out (my Mum was waiting outside) she and her family completely blanked us...we followed them to the waiting room because she had an antenatal appointment which I wanted to attend with her, sadly the only words said were...’go home James’. I did as I was asked but not without asking at the desk about a picture of the scan, which the fabulous nurses, once again sorted for me. The scan dated the baby at 14weeks and we haven’t spoken since.
I will confess that afternoon when I got home I did something stupid, in a temper I re-activated my tinder (dating site) account (this was how we met), however, having done that I did not have the heart to actually engage with anyone and instead spent the evening talking to Mum. This is when things went really downhill, she saw that my tinder was live and flipped.....she posted vile accusations about me on facebook, not for the first time, having tried to friend request all my friends and family that she had previously unfriended to get the posts as far as she could, childish but upsetting none the less.
We have had no contact now for over 4 months, longer than I should have left things, but I needed that time to adjust to the road my life has taken. I have now tried to make contact in the form of a letter because I am blocked from all her social media, phone etc.....10 days later the only response has been some defamatory and derogatory postings on instagram and twitter castigating me as a ‘deadbeat dad’...seen by a friend who escaped the blocking frenzy. I would like to point out at this juncture that I am not in fact a ‘dad’ yet...muchless deadbeat.
I will make one further effort with a registered letter to reiterate what I said in my first one.....I want to be part of my baby’s life (I have always said this)...and that despite how things ended between us, I want us to try to be mature and learn to respect each other in order to give our child the gift of 2 parents and 2 families that love her/him.
I want to share the care of our child equally, be a regular part in his/her life every week (hopefully 3 days one week and 4 the next) and I have tried to let her know that I am standing here with my arms open....ready to love my child and learn to be the best day I can. I would love some advice on what my options are if this last effort fails....and to be honest I expect it to fail.
EHi there
....."I want to share the care of our child equally, be a regular part in his/her life every week (hopefully 3 days one week and 4 the next) and I have tried to let her know that I am standing here with my arms open....ready to love my child and learn to be the best day I can. I would love some advice on what my options are if this last effort fails....and to be honest I expect it to fail."
I can understand that now the idea of becoming a parent has sunk in, you want to do all that you can to provide for your child in every way. The fact that your relationship with the mother is fractious, may create problems for you once the baby arrives and it may take many months before she will accept anything like the shared care arrangement you speak of. The baby will be totally dependent on her for the first few months, particularly if she breastfeeds and your visits may be tailored to that, unless she agrees to more.
Once the baby is born, if the mother refuses to establish any kind of contact, your first option would be to attempt mediation to try and resolve your difficulties. Mediation is a requirement before an application to court can be made. Here's a link to mediation services
www.nfm.org.uk
Once you have attended mediation, the mediator will contact your ex and ask her to attend, if she refuses, ignores the request, or mediation fails, the mediator will sign off the form to enable you to apply to the court for a Child Arrangements Order for contact.
If she refuses to put your name on the birth certificate, you can also apply to the court for Parental Responsibility at the same time.
There's plenty of information in the stickys at the top of the legal eagle section about the court process which you may find helpful.
In the meantime, apart from letting her know you are there if she needs you, there's not a great deal more you can do.
Best of luck
Thanks for the reply - I realise the shared care would not be immediate and have asked if I can help out in the first few weeks and months to help bond with my child. I have just posted the second letter attempting to establish contact so we will see. If I am being honest I don't expect a reply but continue to hope that in wanting to be the best Mum she can be...she will realise the gift we can give our innocent child of knowing both parents and their extended families. I don't expect it to be easy with how things ended but I intend to do everything I can to be a part of my child's life.
You comments and information are appreciated and have given me more info than I had and more things to think about.
Cheers
Sorry should
clarify - I was unable to log in as per my original post so had to re join....hence the usename change....in case if any confusion
So, as I said I would... I have sent another letter to her by registered post and my Mum has also written to her Mum in the hope that she will agree to a meeting between myself, her and our Mothers (as mediators) in a mutually agreed public place to talk. Having just checked the registered post track and trace - neither letter was signed for and therefore not delivered. No idea if this was because they were simply out...or if the refused to accept them because they realised who they were from.
I don't want to cause upset, but I would like to be at the hospital when my child is born (I am not asking to be in the delivery- I know that is not an option) but I would like to meet her (if Mums posts are to be believed) as soon after the birth as possible. I also want to help in those first few months by going round after work for a couple of hours to give her a break and then when she is less dependant on Mum (maybe bottle fed) ...I would like to be totally involved and share the care and responsibility equally...giving our child the gift of two parents and two families to love her (or him if I am wrong).I may not have been ready to be a full on living together family yet I am right here waiting with my arms open to be a father to this child.
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