[Solved] Surnames

Hello.

I think the reply will be different depending on the individuals concerned and perhaps if there was any blame to the separation.

As a father, if I had been kicked out of the marital house due to my wife's actions of which I had no control, I would be adamant names were staying as they are. In the reverse and I was to blame(affair) then I would feel my ex and my children would have the right to make that decision without me vetoing it.

I also believe that a name change does not make them less my children, nothing has changed other than a name. But it does probably show that the relationship between children and parent is not good if they are looking to change. But then often it can be as a result of pressure from the resident parent.

My ex, despite being divorced over 3 years now, still has kept my name and she continues to hate me. So I cannot explain that, anyone got thoughts on that one?

Hi HRabbit

Thanks for your reply

I think your right it is up to the people involved it very much what works for one set of parents may not work for another.I can understand why dad's want the children to keep their surname especially if are dealing with a toxic ex partner and children will always be your children whether they have your surname or not I think your response was very good.

I suppose I'm just wondering whether dad's feel that a double barrel surname would feel like less of a insult if their surname is kept in the child's name?

To answer your question HRabbit I can think of 3 things

1) Ive had it in a doctor's surgery were the receptionist has assumed that my surname is the same has my son's I felt a bit embarrassed when I had to tell them we have got different surnames so she could just see it has easier in that sense than having to explain they are different.

2) she can take the children aboard on holiday she doesn't need to worry about getting your permission if you have different surnames you need to get father's permission

3) maybe she doesn't hate you after all lol

Thanks.....but she does hate me 🙂

To answer yours, yes I think a double barrelled surname is a good compromise for the adults. Not sure how the children view it.

In my case with an 8 letter, 3 syllable surname on both sides, it would be a bit of a mouthful!

Hello needhelp83,

I personally do not think you should allow your Son to change his surname until he can legally do so himself. He can then take sole responsibility for doing so.
His Father is his Father, named on the Birth Certificate, a legal requirement to register the birth within a given period and accepted as such by both parents at the time.

I shall bring a further aspect of a childs' life into the post, religion. Contrary to registering a birth there is no legal requirement soon after birth to register the religion of a child but invariably a decision is made by the parents, unfairly in my opinion.
Why should children be expected to follow the religion we choose for them? How many parents leave the decision to the child as to what religion they wish to follow or not when they become more aware, educated and of a suitable age to take responsibility?

Hi MotherofaFather

Thanks for your reply to me, im not looking to change his surname, I did chose to put father on the birth certificate so I'll have to live with that choice and let my son decide for himself whether he wants to change it down the line.

My son has very limited contact with his father this isnt my choice just happened like this and my son is showing resentment he loves him but he's angry too and he would like to change his surname to my surname which is sad I know I just hope things change in the future and he has a closer bond with his father in the future

Has for religion with my ex partner being named on the birth certificate he has a say on religion, I used to go to church ( I don't now) my ex is very against the church, I'm not against the church but if my son was to say join the church youth club at 15 years old like I did I wouldn't object obviously father might and put in a court order to try and stop him going if he really thought it's bad for him, i don't feel the need to pressure my son to go to church I would rather it be his choice so I agree with you about forcing children to have a certain religion I think lots of children resent the parents for forcing them to go to church and rebel on them when they become teenagers.

My son father doesn't really seem that interested in things to do with my son's health and education is that normal? I thought most dad's take a interest or am I wrong? All he seems interested in doing is seeing him occasionally that's it, Earlier this year my son broke his arm his dad didn't even ask if he was alright when he was told that he had done it which I thought was wrong to be honest.

Hello needhelp83,

You sound to be a sensible, loving and caring Mother to your Son and it is to your credit you want your Sons' Father to be more caring and committed to him.

Sadly many people whether it be a mother or father do not care to the extent others do and unfortunately we cannot change them. I believe we have to accept the situation and work round the difficulties we are presented with to make things as good for our children as we possibly can. At the same time being fair and reasonable in our decision making which will not make a bad situation worse.

Your Son must feel a number of conflicting emotions about his Father but I'm sure you can help him through his difficult time. However, it must be hard for you and to also see your Son suffer emotionally as he does. I do feel in time with your guidance he will work through it and it is when that stage has been reached and his legal age attained he will then be in a better position to consider changing his surname.

As for religion, my comments were most certainly not meant to be personal to you.
I think my brain probably, insensibly, made a connection between an individual taking responsibility when they became legally of age to change their surname and taking responsibility for choosing their religious faith when they came to an appropriate age instead of it being chosen by parents.

It sounds as though your son wants to change his name because he's angry with his father, and I'm not sure that's a good reason to change it at this stage. I think, if I was in your position, I'd say that it should be his decision when he can do it himself, plus the fact that changing his name while as school might be a little confusing, so a good time to change it would be when he leaves so there is more of a natural break, and he'll then be meeting new people with a new name.

I think every situation is different and everyone will have a different opinion.

Double-barrelled can be a good compromise, but given the current circumstances you've described, it's probably better to leave as is for a while at least.

Thank you so much everyone that's has replied, I've found it very useful and I am going to leave it and let him decide for himself when he is older 🙂