[Solved] Soon to be single dad saying hello...

Hi DuckSeason8192,
I'm so sorry to hear of your predicament, this will be a very difficult time for you, but this website is a good place to get advice and support. This will seem like the worst time in your life, but many correspondents here will have been through something similar (which will help you, even though that seems improbable at the mo).
I'm guessing you have not done anything wrong and this is not something you wanted, so I'm afraid there is little you can do to change things with your wife, but there are things you can do to protect yourself and your children.
After 18 years and 3 children your wife has decided the grass may be greener somewhere else, but as she is leaving (or more likely trying to get you to leave) anyway she probably wants to take most of the estate (normally the main thing is the house - if you are owner occupiers) and a fair slice of your future earnings with her. The key to her achieving this in our adversarial legal system will be the children. She will know that the family court system will ensure the welfare of the children first (not so much through philanthropy, but to keep the nation's social welfare bill down) and that there is a strong bias towards mothers in the agencies involved in achieving that (CAFCASS, DWP, LEAs). Your wife will now try to get you to move out of the house and separate you from your children - it is likely that she will have taken some advice (either formally from a family lawyer - who will have told her to do those things, or informally from friends, websites &c - which will also have told her to do those things).
Unless you want to lose your house, your children and much of your future earnings don't allow either to happen. Stay calm, insist of staying in your family house (move to another bedroom or kip on the sofa, but never move out) and stay close to your children (they are the most important thing - and you have to protect them, which coincidentally will be in your interests as well).
Once your wife realises you are not just just going to obediently move on and hand her your wallet she will probably get a bit more aggressive (again, I think the family lawyers tell people to do this). So be prepared for accusations of DV and possibly even child abuse against yourself. This is very common, so make sure there is no basis for any complaint whatsoever, keep records, be reasonable about everything and make life as normal as you can for your children.
Lock your personal stuff (cheque books, cards, driving licence, car keys, passport, money - anything else valuable or difficult to replace) away in your gun cabinet (figuratively - if you do have a gun cabinet farm out your shotguns to friends for safe keeping, otherwise your wife will claim she thinks you are going to shoot her). Look after yourself, keep fit and eat normally (don't drink, that will not help), make life as normal as possible. Your wife is the one that wants to leave the marriage (but on her terms, with your house and your money in her purse and holding access to your children to ransom) -so smoke her out and make her take the action. Unless you have done something wrong, I suspect she will not have thought that far ahead, if she is leaving for another chap/woman it is the norm for that person to fall by the wayside once they realise the husband is not just giving up, if she is just bored of being married then the thought of a fairly harsh life with only about half the equity from the house, only seeing the kids for half the time and not much in the way of CM may be sobering on her way to applying for a council house.
This probably sounded a bit harsh - there will be lots of others to take care of the touchy-feely welcome to the web site, but unless you want to end up living under the railway arches and eating cold toast you need to protect yourself and your children now.

Hi and welcome to the forum

We are a nice friendly bunch, keep posting and we will do what we can to support you. It's going to be a very difficult time for you so make sure you take care of yourself and take each day at a time.

Hello DuckSeason8192,

Yet again, I echo othen's message to you in it's entirety!

You will be in a state of shock, a horrible feeling. It can present itself as if you are in a dream as if things are not real. You may have this feeling, you may not but it will wear off if you do have it.

Please look after yourself by eating regularly three or four small meals a day, make sure you get enough rest / sleep and have a walk everyday. It is so important to do these things as they will help stop you from becoming debilitated. I don't know whether you have a particular interest you can pursue which could relax you and also serve as a coping strategy to divert your mind from the sadness you must obviously be feeling. These things are very difficult to do when you feel your world is collapsing around you but if, each day, you can attempt to do these things, they will definitely be of benefit to you.

If you are paying credit card debts or for any other items (such as a car) which are in your wife's sole name, I would stop paying these immediately. If you have a joint account and any of your earnings are being paid into the account I would stop immediately any further payments going in. I would also consider if you have a joint account withdrawing your half of the balance. I have known men to find upon enquiring of the balance at the bank that their spouse has withdrawn all the money or frozen the account.

Rest assured we shall help and support you. Many of us have been through exactly the same as what you are going through now and understand the emotions and heartache of it all.

Thank you for taking time to share your thoughts and give me some advice. It made for some scary reading about how bad things can get, but then I think I need to get realistic and prepare for the worst.

Unfortunately in this case my behaviour has been the root cause of this as I have became addicted to internet chat rooms and talking about [censored]. My wife told me she didn't want me to do this and I tried to stop but the compulsion was too strong and the problem persisted over a number of years. I got wrapped up in the fantasy and suggested things like watching others at a swingers party. My wife she cant be with a man who thinks and acts like that. I have admitted my problem and I am seeking counselling to deal with this issue (better late than never).

I did find a love note to my wife from a colleague (he is married too) at her work talking about how much he loved her and would think of her when their special songs came on and how much he would miss her over the xmas holidays. According to her this was just some quick chats over coffee that made her feel better about herself but I struggle to reconcile this explanation with the words he wrote and statements of love. Even after that issue came up she said we could try to make it work but then a few weeks later she dropped the bombshell.

So I still want to believe my wife and I can separate on good terms so I can do right by her and the children, but I don't feel I can trust that she will care about me or go through with what is being discussed.

On the money front, everything is in joint names and my life savings and financial support from my parents is all in the house. My wife has contributed while we were married but did not bring anything to marriage to begin with. So I am slowly coming to terms with what I will lose financially, as well as emotionally.

Thanks again for your words. I will probably be a frequent visitor to this site as I go through this process.

Hi and welcome

Hello DuckSeason8192,

I think we would all on here advocate maintaining an amicable relationship with a spouse during separation / divorce proceedings if possible as it saves a lot of heartache, money and unnecessary complications. However, a variety of emotions come into play at such a time and things can quickly turn sour. Regarding previous messages sent, if you are aware of how matters can turn against you, you will at least be more prepared if they do.

You have been very open and honest with regard to what you say is causing the problem in your marriage which is to your credit. Is it possible to rebuild any bridges with your wife? Is it feasible that she would go with you to your counselling sessions to gain greater understanding of the issue which causes disharmony between you? Can you rekindle an exciting intimacy between the two of you? I am not expecting an answer to the questions I pose as you may not wish to comment on a public forum.

I hope you keep posting as support will be readily available for you.

To MotherofaFather, thanks for your support and advice.

Unfortunately, based on what my wife has said, I cannot see any possibility of reconciliation. I had a number of opportunities to recognise my behaviour as an addiction and seek proper help, but I failed to take them.

I still love my wife and want to do right for her and the children but the trust has broken down and I am scared of the potential outcomes. She has said she wants (and needs) my help with the children and looking after them because our work commitments and the children's life means I would need to be around to help out at the weekends. So there is something positive to hope for, but as I said, trust is an issue for both sides.

I have been to see the doctor and I am managing to eat and drink a bit so I can still function for the children, but it is a struggle. I am seeing a doctor today to get signed off work this week but then I have to go back to a high pressure job next week and the thought of trying to function in that environment terrifies me.

I will be going for a long walk later and to find out options for where I could live if I leave the house.

Thanks again for your support. Speaking to others with similar experiences is a great help.

Hi Duckseason 8192,

Amicable seperation can be achieved, but it is always better to be aware of the worst and there has been some sound advice, like seperating your income streams.

Still not 100% sure on your tenure where the house is concerned. If bought is this it leasehold or freehold, and whose name is on the leasehold / freehold? If in joint names you will both be equally responsible, and if they cannot get the money from your wife they will look to you for payments. If leasehold in your name you will remain the person responsible for meeting any costs from the leasehold. These costs can be considerable, especially when major works are involved. You really do need to get legal advice on this if it is leasehold or freehold, whether in joint name or particularly in your name. I agree with that you need to resist moving out before these questions are answered at least.

You will need to give some thought to what happens next, ie moving out. When my marriage ended I deliberately chose to rent a room with all costs included. It has some distinct disadvantages, but the important one for me is knowing what my monthly outgoings are. This has allowed me to continue supporting my daughter, although she is an adult now. I have maintained an amicable relationship with the wife and as a result had a good Christmas with them, partly helped by having to work over the Christmas period so not around each other all the time.

After 3 1/2 years I am now considering finding a cheap bedsit. This has more to do with wanting to move closer to where I work, but also as I get older the extra costs for more privacey is beginning to be worth the extra cost. A large part of our amicable arrangements is we are both focussed on what is best for our daughter rather than any personal relationship which may or may not be there.

It may be that at some point in the future it will be possible for a reconcilliation, despite the current situation, but I would strongly suggest that you concentrate on being a father to the children and supporting your family as best you can. Any future discussion regarding reconcilliation leave for your wife to approach you rather than the other way.

Personally I found work to be a great retreat from the pressures allowing me to concentrate on other things rather than what is happening immediately around me. Consider letting your boss know what is going on, you do not have to go into reasons. My boss was fabulous, and shortly after splitting up I had a health scare as I was tested for cancer, fortunately nothing was found. My boss did signpost me to some of the services provided by my employer, including counselling and legal support. Sadly what did suffer was my studying for a level 4 diploma, but as my boss pointed out considering what I had been going through it did not surprise her, what did surprise her was how well I had done.

It worked for me, but may not work for everyone, but work can be one place where we can forget about what else is going on, talking to your boss can give a little leeway if it does suffer.

Hello DuckSeason8192,

Of course you want to do right by your wife and especially the children but please remember you do need to consider your own situation particularly your finances. You have a life to live after all this is settled and you must not deny yourself what financial assets are rightfully due to you.

As I said previously I would remain in the family home and go through the necessary legal processes whilst living there. Difficult I know, I have been there and done it and survived! Do not move out. Consider the difficulties it will present if you do move out, it will be more costly for you, you will not see the children as much and probably not be able to accommodate them if they wish to stay overnight. Depending on your financial arrangements regarding the cost of daily living and the mortgage (if you have one) you could find yourself paying in full or contributing for a property you no longer live in. Added to which you would be fully funding another property if you rented.

Let your yardstick be "what is fair and reasonable" when decision making.

I would without delay, seek legal advice. Many solicitors offer a free 30 minute consultation.

Thank you everyone for your support and thoughts. I think I am overstepping the forum boundaries by talking about my problems in this forum so I will post elsewhere from no on.

If anyone wants to message me instead of on the forum feel free.

Over the past few days the steps I have taken have been massively helpful for my mental state and what the future could hold. My family and friends and work have been amazingly supportive and understanding.

If anyone is reading this and I am in any position to give any help now (even at this stage) it would be take things one day at a time and speak to people openly and honestly to make things better. My friend told me that I haven't ruined my family's life, it will just be different to what we had planned and that I should focus on the new beginning and what I can do to make that the best it can be.

All of your support and advice has been really helpful. Thanks all and probably see in you in the other forums as I go through this process.

Hello DuckSeason8192,

I have sent you a Private Message.