[Solved] Son seems distant from me..

Hi there,

I don't think that this is something that you have done, your son is at the age where he is developing a social life with changing to secondary school his group of friends will have grown and he will be exploring different things,

I've seen my stepson go through this over the past year or so, he has just turned 13 and he doesn't have the same level of enthusiasm to seeing his dad anymore.

Just be there for your son, I know from ts difficult but as they get older they start looking for some freedom I'm sure he doesn't mean to upset you

GTTS

Hi Son of Edinburgh,

Okay with tongue in cheek, yes of course you deserve it, and now I will explain why.

It is part and parcel of being a parent.

Around 11 our kids got on to secondary education. The first year is a huge time of transition and often behaviour will worsen. The school is not micromanaging them so much and they are given greater responsibility for their own time management, often parents will not take their children school and so they often meet up with friends and start developing a life and interests outside of the school and family.

So by the time they 12 or 13 they begin to push for more independence and their interests begin to put them at conflict with their parents. Part of being a parent is building those bonds in the early years to see them through these more difficult periods where, a parents, we slowly allow them to pull them away and start developing as individuals.

I know as a father I have often put up with stuff I would not from anyone else, and sometimes I wonder why I put up with it. The thing is we can either put up with it or deliberately try to sabotage our relationship with our children. If in a moment of weakness you do snap at your son you may find it a long time before you can even begin to repair the relationship with your son. As frustrating as the situation is do you really want him to believe you have slammed the door shut on him?

They are not rejecting their parents and as parents we have an important role to play during this period in helping them to develop as a person. They are still learning from us, how we deal with difficult situations, conversations etc. in part act as a role model on how to handle these types of situations in their own lives.

For parents not living with their children this can be a very difficult time. Your wife will be dealing with similar situations, but will also see the other side when he needs her, or decides to spend time with her. It doesn't mean that you are or have been a bad dad. As you said, yes it is to some extent a matter of having to 'suck it up', and doing so because you are a good father.

One thing I would recommend is, in accepting as your son gets older your relationship will change seek to work with him to evolve your relationship so it works for you both. For example you say he doesn't contact you despite having several means to do so, but does he know what times are convenient for you during the week? If he is not happy with daily contact negotiate with him about when it is 'convenient' for him for you both to spend some time chatting. Suggest that on some occasions you will call him, on others he will call you. After all if you have always initiated contact he may feel uncomfortable contacting you. This way he learns that it is okay to contact you if he wants to.

If he questions why you are bringing this up tell him you recognise he is becoming more independent and grown up and that you are treating him as such. This way you are showing you respect him as a person and his growing independence.

Hope this helps.

I would agree completely with the above 🙂

Perhaps you could also arrange some proper time together, say once a month, to go for a meal, or to see a film, but be flexible if he's going ut with friends - if you try to pin him down to a definite time/date in advance, it may become a chore for him.