[Solved] Single mum looking for advice

Hello again, it all sounds quite frustrating.

You mention there is an actual court order in place? Didn't that define the times your son spends with each of you? As long as your son is available to see his dad on the defined days (even if he doesn't show - without giving any notice of this, which is irresponsible behaviour towards his son, and not particularly respectful behaviour towards you), then you would be following the order. He should be in no position to demand alternative days, rather, he would need to negotiate this with you and seek agreement.

Years ago, my son's mother determined the amount of time and when I could see him (a single fixed day a week - which I was deeply unhappy with). Sometimes she would alter this with very little notice, and force an alternative day which she said I had to give an answer to within 24 hours, or forfeit seeing my son for that week. This was one of the many reasons why I went to court in the end. The times our son spends with each of us is now defined, and if she wants to change any dates she now has to ask and negotiate rather demand and dictate.

There should always be room for some flexibility, but if one party is being irresponsible, then I think it makes sense just sticking with dates defined in the order.

Unfortunately no he's got a set number of days but we need to work the dates and times out ourselves I am flexible last weekend he said he was ill and asked if he can see him tomorrow so he's supposed to be seeing him tomorrow. he doesn't speak to me contact is sorted through a third party he won't speak to me directly he makes lots of excuses why he can come and he does this regularly it's really distressing for my son he just wants to see his dad regularly

Thanks for replying to me I really do appreciate it.

It's sad you had to go to court sounds like she was being difficult I'm glad you got contact with your son sorted

Hi dad's just a update

Son went to see his father today he really enjoyed it and was happy when he came back so all good it that sense but his dad past message tho son about something he's not happy with me about .. is that right? I understand father doesn't want to talk to me I can't make him but should he be pasting message tho child shouldn't he be using third party or writing me a letter or something? what do you dad's think? Opinions welcome. Thanks in advance

You're right - he shouldn't be passing messages through your son - it's just wrong, especially if - as you say - the message is just a chance to be critical of you. It's cowardly, and could be quietly upsetting to your son if this practice continues. He doesn't have to talk directly with you, but he can send you a note or text that won't use a child as a messenger. My communication with my son's mother is almost entirely through texts (which wasn't entirely my choice, but which I have come to prefer for my own well being) or through 3rd parties,

Children that young are not always the most reliable transmitters of messages anyway - I sometimes take some of the things my son says his mum has said with a pinch of salt. Children are also capable of playing parents off against each other - it's a natural part of their development, I believe. A situation such as this when the child is the messenger will sooner or later become fertile ground for him to practice this.

If you're able to, perhaps you could text your ex or pass a message through an adult 3rd party familiar to you both, asking how he thinks you could both pass relevant messages to each other relating to your son's care without your son being the conduit.

On the positive side, your son had a good time with his dad and came back to you happy, so that's something to hold on to.

That's true my son can't remember what the message back was just what it's about so I sat here racking my brain to what my ex said to him.

My ex did said he would say he's concerns via email a while back but has failed to do so he does normally go tho third party but chose not to this time. I don't email him because I'm worried it be seen has harrsment if you get what I mean

I do definitely hold on to it I'm pleased for my son when he's happy

Thank you again for your great advice Toks.

You're welcome.
I sometimes look through the mumsnet forum myself - I think it sometimes helps to get views from the 'other side', so to speak 🙂

I agree NH83, your son should not be treated as a messenger, and if it were to continue, then he'd start to dread the contact for fear of what message he was going to be expected to pass. You need to agree on some way to pass messages without involving him, short of a sealed meessage in an envelope.

Can your son read?

If not an exercise book where you can simply write any useful bits of factual information about your son while he's in your care can be passed back and forth between you. (Many child minders do this but they put in observations)

Take a photo of the messages you just write in case the other parent decides to rip out pages, destroy the book or be otherwise destructive. The reason to only start it if your son can't read is to see if it works.

Hi Greengage

Thanks for your reply. That's a good Idea not sure if my ex will go with it but it's definitely a good suggestion. Thanks

hi,

the court put something like that into my order. as ex is silly and does not want direct contact. they said can communicate with a 'contact book'. shes not doing that and i am not bothered. she passes on messages through her brother. what can you do when people act retarded. just move on with life....

i got told off by cafcass during court proceedings. one day daughter asked me can she stay the night (ex refuses all overnights). i said i don't know, ask your mum. so when she did, her mum cried to cafcass lol. to me that seemed pretty harmless. cafcass said dont use kids to pass any messages. can put them in middle of conflict and create divided loyalties. and other time i got told off simply because i told the kids we can go disney land one day. i got accused of making false promises to kids :p

Perhaps write a letter and ask the third party to hand it over?

Explain that passing messages via your son is not acceptable and either you need to communicate via text or email or through the third party.

Perhaps add that unless his contact becomes consistent, you will have no hesitation in returning to court to vary the order and either have a schedule added or apply for no contact.

It has to be what is in the best interests of your child and not what suits the parents.

With regard to maintenance, just go via CMS - so much easier.