[Solved] Single mum looking for advice

You can't do anything to encourage him to see his child, that's really down to him, but keep the option open for him to do so. With regards to maintenance, yes, he is partly responsible for this child, and he should be responsible for the costs of caring, so I would suggest you contact Child Maintenance Services and open a case with them (costs £20) and let them sort it out with him.

Hi there,

As you say – it takes two to make a baby, but it seems you have been pretty much left holding the baby so to speak. There are so many dads on this site that would have little understanding of your ex, and would consider all their Christmases to have come at once if they were dealing with co-parents who wanted to encourage their relationship with their children.

Unfortunately, there is no way to make a ‘non-resident ‘ parent see his / her child, even if a court order was in place. It sounds like you’re doing the right thing by keeping that door open, but it is unfair on both you and your child if there is no routine and the father might disappear for months, as you’ve said. Is there any way you can at least establish something routine with your ex, such as a phone call to your son every week or fortnight on a fixed day and time, something your son can expect / look forward to? That might be a start to establishing routine times they could expect to spend together. At the moment it seems to be completely on your ex’s terms, which provides your son with no emotional security in terms of bonding with his father.

In terms of maintenance, your ex has a responsibility to provide for his son whether her wanted to become a father or not – the fact is he became one under the legal definition of the term. Again, most if not all fathers on this site pay maintenance for their children even when they are being blocked by the mothers from seeing their children, because it is a legal (and I would argue) a moral obligation to pay to support their children, regardless of how they feel about the mothers, if they have the means.

A few year ago, a colleague of mine told me about her situation: she also had a young son and a supportive new partner. Her son’s father only engaged sporadically, and wouldn’t pay any maintenance. Eventually, when asked point-blank, he said he wanted every weekend with his son. She said she was convinced he’d asked for this because he was certain she’d refused, but she called his bluff and agreed to it. She said it was difficult on her, but she felt she was prepared to pay that price if it meant her son not getting messed around anymore, and having set times with his dad. She said she decided not to press him for maintenance because didn’t want her ex to do a vanishing act on his kid, and she and her partner were able to pay for her son - ultimately, she’d gone from a situation where her ex was having irregular contact and making no contributions, to one where he was seeing his son 2 days every week and being financially responsible for him on those days.

It’s entirely within your rights (and more importantly, your son’s) to expect some financial contributions for the upkeep of your son. You could try to negotiate and agree on a private financial arrangement, or you could go down the more formal Child Maintenance Service route. Either way, it’s up to you to decide the when and how in this situation you’re in.

That’s what I think, but it’s just my point of view.
Good luck.

Thank you for your replies very helpful

I've got myself into a situation where my ex picks and chooses the dates he sees our son to suit him and regularly cancels even on the dates he picks which is sad for my son who asks every weekend if he's seeing his dad and my reply is "I don't know" it's got that bad that I don't tell my son until I know on the day he's definitely going because he cries and gets very disappointed when he can't go.

I asked my barrister what I should do if he doesn't turn up for contact she said if he doesn't show up for at least 6 months send him a letter asking him whether he wants contact or not if he doesn't I should take it back to court for a no contact order, I don't think he doesn't not want contact with our son he just wants everything on his terms.

Why would you go back to court? Sounds like you want to take him to court and emotionally batter him. That is what most women do play the game and take all the fathers money and stop contact.

If he does not make an effort with his son what will the courts do? Your son is better off without him and you both can move on.