[Solved] Should I just let her see our son?

Hi There,

I would say a child needs both parents in thier lives and if the mother wants to be part of your sons life then you should encourage it.

I'm not saying just roll over and say "yes see him as and when" but you should discuss this with her, I would send her a message asking if she would attend mediation with you so you can put in place an agreed arrangement, that way you will be able to gauge what sort of contact she wants without having to agree to anything (mediation isn't legally binding) the mediator will help to promote conversations without arguements so hopefully you can both avoid court.

If your son is thinking the way he is it would need to be a gentle proccess though as it doesn't seem he knows his mother so I would say either contact with you at first or at a contact centre.

GTTS

Hi,
Kids really do need both parents, even if she has not been a good one so far. Be magnanimous, arrange for her to come and see your son.
Best wishes,
A

...I can understand your reticence but you are fully in control here and I think with some thought and setting of boundaries then it might be possible to allow them a relationship.

At the moment your son is still a little boy, but if you withhold contact, when he's older it may cause problems! At least though if you enable contact and she lets him down, he will draw his own conclusions as he gets older and you can say hand on heart that you did everything you could to try and encourage their relationship.

I wouldn't involve court personally, because its taken out of your hands effectively...you are asking them to make the decisions for you! If you get a biased judge, god forbid, you could find you will have to comply with an order you aren't happy with...but by then you'll have no choice!

Talk to her, agree contact in a place and at a time you are happy with, supervise it for a period of time, set boundaries and see how it goes.

Well Luke finally saw his mum again on the 29th September.
It had only been 273 days since she last saw him!!!!

Obviously I supervised the visit which took place in a children's ball park/indoor play area. This was her last chance, if she messed this one up then it's back to the Courts we go.

Luke was looking forward to seeing his mum.
I was hoping it went well, for his sake.

The following day arrived and...........

The day went well even to the point were Luke ran up to his mum when he first saw her and gave her a big hug. He was obviously pleased to see her. We have agreed that she has the same contact in two weeks time, again with my supervision. Then we will slowly but surely build the contact up. All in all a good day and she never even gave me [censored]!!!!

Now I need more advice.

How often do you think that we should continue this arrangement for?
When do you think she should be allowed un-supervised contact?
(I would like to point out that his mum has had mental health issues in recent years even to the point of being `sectioned` twice in the last ten years or so)
When do you think she should have over night contact?
Could anyone offer a `plan of action` that details a gradual build up of contact which may eventually lead to over night contact for her?

Thanks for reading guys.

.

Hi There,

That is so good to hear that it went well,

I would say continue for as long as you feel the need, don't be pressured into giving un supervised or over night contact until you feel it is right for your son, your ex has a lot of work to do to make up for the absense and hopefully she will understand this and work with you for the sake of your son.

What I would do though is say that for the time being you will meet every1 or 2 weeks in different places to see how things go, when she is showing that she will stick to that you could then maybe head to the indoor play area for say 3 hours and you leave for the middle hour and extand it over time.

GTTS

...I think you should take things slowly, she needs to prove that she isn't going to disappear out of his life again!

I agree with GTTS to continue with the fortnightly supervised contact until you feel confident that she will stick at it. Perhaps after another four sessions you can incorporate a weekly phone call or face time.

Due to her history you need to be really sure that she can be trusted and I would hope that you will be able to talk to her about this. If it were in court they would be asking for medical reports, you couldn't ask for this and that is why you must be absolutely sure.

I wouldn't even be contemplating overnight at this stage, I think small measured steps are what is required. If this were contact at a contact centre, the supervised contact can go on for months before a court orders it to move to unsupervised.

Perhaps after 8 - 12 sessions at the play centre you could move it to supported contact at contact centre. This would mean that she could have contact fortnightly (usually) without you there but supervised by centre staff. Here's a link to contact centres nationally

www.naccc.org.uk

I would want to see at least a further three months of that before moving contact to unsupervised. This could start with a morning or an afternoon every fortnight for another three months. Then a full day every fortnight for three months, then two days (without an overnight) for a further three months....and so on.

I would also want to make sure before overnights start that the accommodation is suitable and once it starts I would want to be able to speak to him to make sure he is happy.

I think you should aim for a weekend every fortnight and a teatime contact midweek weekly.

Have you spoken to her about what she would like and how she sees it progressing? That might be helpful.

Good luck