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Hi All,
New user to this site and I'm glad I found it. It's been almost 18 months since the separation of me and my soon to be ex wife. Long story short, I was a dedicated father and husband, Married a woman with 2 young kids, looked after them like my own. Over time had 2 more, 18 months ago, caught her cheating (she had been for a year).
On the night of confronting her, she denied but she was unaware that I had her lovers mob number. I called him on speaker and he admitted it....I held her hands and shouted WHY did she do it....why destroy our marriage. She called police, got done for Assualt - community, a fine, some stupid course for 4 months every mon and weds, oh and a 5 year restraining order so I can't contact her and social services got involved, can't see me kids with a solicitor. (miss them like crazy) (trust me, it was a knightmare). Ontop of that, she went down the child maintenance route.
The crazy thing is the timing could not have been better as just bought her new car, spent 10k on furnishings for our place (all in my name) and now she claims benefits etc (due to our youngest who has DS)...she earns around £3k a month for doing nothing, just pay simple bills.
I am stuck with the 10k + debt, child support, finance on the car, additional bills for rent etc mob phone bills for the kids etc.
I became so depressed ended up drinking heavy every night....a bottle and a hlf of brandy every day...turned to drugs everyday (the expensive stuff), prescribed anti depressants (don't ever take them).
I have started to come out of it, in a new relationship (for the last 8 months).....
I have not paid CS for 8 months due to the fact that she has everything, she cheated...recently, CS are threatening court action plus received divorce papers, she cited unreasonable behaviour.....
My questions are:
I don't want to pay CS because of what she did (still bitter) and the debts she left me with - CS don't care - can I do anything about it as owe arrears?
Divorce papers, I won't sign and advise that she cheated is that right, can't afford solicitors but I want to name third party, should I?
I just need general help, guidance from anyone out there please......
Thank you in advance - broken hearted..
Hi There,
.
Ok I will try and answer the parts I know about and give as much info on the bits I'm not so sure on and others whould fill in the gaps.
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As far as child maintenance is concerned you will have to pay this including the arrears, CMS/CSA should take into account the debt that you have which was from your marriage so if they won't then you may have to appeal this, I'm not sure how much of a reduction you would get but everything helps, as said you would need to pay the arrears so it could be worth speaking with them to try and set up a payment plan before they look at collection from earning which they would just set an amount and take it and you get no say in it.
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With your divorce, I can fully understand why you want to fight this, and there are 2 thoughts firstly you are bitter and fully understandably so yes you can deny the reaseons she has given and cite adultery and name the man and I don't think anyone would blame you for this, but however the divorce papers are just a piece of paper that you will file away in a drawer somewhere and never look at again unless you re marry, so actually it's a means to an end, you will always know the real reason the marriage broke down and so does she even if she hasn't admitted it in the divorce papers. By fighting her reasons (and as said no one would blame you for doing this) you will make your life harder in the long run with your children, the divorce in general and even financially. I would allow the divorce to go through with her reasons give her the win, it really doesn't mean anything as you both know the truth.
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With your history of drink and drugs, you need to make your life as stress free as possible, by fighting her on the divorce you are going to put more stress on yourself and risk going backwards, it's great you have started to move forward but staying forward is going to take work, don't allow yourself to get into a tunnel vision of getting back at her for what she did, just let it go. I know that's easy to say as I am not in your situation, but from my own experience I wish someone would have hit that home to me while I was fighting my ex wife as I would have had a lot less stress and also been better of financially.
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You can apply to the courts for an order where you can see your children, becuase of her claims and the charges you had against you it won't be easy but you still have rights and so do your children to have a relationship with you, the court costs just over £200 to make the application, becuase of the restraining order I don't thnk they would enforce mediation before hand so that would save you money (i could be wrong on this though) so your costs would be the application fee. You can represent yourself through the courts and with the huge improvements you have made in your life I would recomend it as the judge will hear the regret in your voice for taking the path that you did with drink and drugs.
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Your case will be complicated and it is lickely that you will only get supervised contact to start with, but we can help you through the case with advice on statements and what to ask for, we have members who are very experienced with this and we will support you throughout.
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Good luck and keep us posted.
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GTTS
...just to mention, if the debts are solely in your name the CS won't take them into account as far as her claim is concerned.
Sorry to hear you were in such a bad place, with the children stuck in the middle. GTTS is right in that mediation isn't an option because of the domestic violence, so your only other option is to make an application to the family court for a Child Arrangements Order for contact.
I'm by no means an expert on divorce, but would have thought that adultery might have a bearing on any financial claims that she might make, I'm thinking about spousal maintenance. It might be better to get some legal advice about where you stand and the best way forward, some solicitors offer a free initial consultation which you may find useful.
Best of luck
Hi There,
.
From my experience, the reasons for the divorce don't have any bearing on the finances, this is what I was told by my solicitor, but as Mojo has said it's worth getting that checked by a solicitor.
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GTTS
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