Safeguarding my kids without messing them up - ideas needed

Hi,

New to this forum and forums in general. There is too much information to share but suffice to say my ex and I have a poor post marital relationship and have been separate for about three years. Custody was split 50:50 in the holidays and they stayed with me 6 out of 14 nights (resulting in quite a shocking and unfair maintenance situation which I bore stoically).

This summer I received a call from social services asking me to collect my two children due to safeguarding concerns relating to my ex wife's new child. Since then I have been sole carer transporting them to and from weekly contact visits of 4 or 8 hours supervised by their new stepdad to be's parents.  

The social worker initially thought the investigation would take 4 months but now that has been extended by a further 6 (taking us to about the end of May they think). I have launched a new child arrangements proceeding to try to get a 'lives with order' and formalise the current arrangement. This might help expedite an end to the maintenance payments which I am now struggling to make as I have full time care with associated childcare and other costs on top. More importantly it should allow me to ensure my children are protected to some degree should the outcome of the investigation be so grim as to mean they are unable to return to shared care.

The problem is that my ex has been trying to gain increased contact at a rapid pace through our son. Last half term she told him they wanted an overnight visit and were waiting to see if Daddy would say it was OK. The social worker had suggested it was something to discuss but I was uncomfortable as the supervision was to be provided by an uncle rather than the grandparents. Instead I agreed to a longer visit but starting on the day. I was told by the social worker at the time that she would talk to my ex about keeping the children out of disagreements in future.

Now it is nearly Christmas and my son volunteered over breakfast last week that he would like to stay overnight at Mummy's on christmas eve. I told him that sounded nice and I would ask the social worker. The next day he said Mummy had suggested three nights and he thought this would be better. I can't tell him about the real reason why extended contact is a potential problem so I explained to the social worker that three nights would have to be agreed or a suitable explanation would be needed (obviously he can't know the truth or the background (which I am not sharing here either)). They were going to court to discuss sibling contact that week anyway.

This week she emailed me to claim the social worker had agreed with them a whole range of dates and asked whether she should collect the children from school this Friday or if I would drive them over. I decided to wait until today before replying as the social worker was visiting. I received a text again pressing for me to agree to Friday after school on my way home.

It turns out the social worker had supported only the three days mentioned above, knew nothing of the rest and admitted to only mentioning a gradual increase to be agreed between parents. She suggested we try the three days and, if these go well, perhaps a weekly overnight stay. The problem is that, though the children would like more, if the investigation goes poorly, they may then have to accept less... so the current situation is probably in their best interests even if the contact is safely supervised.

The big problem is that my Ex has also now whatsApped my son and told him she is expecting to pick him up from school on Friday. He is really struggling with the situation already and further shocks + involvement are not helping. He has started to hurt himself with stationary at school and reportedly wrote he wished he was dead on his computer. I am very worried and am chasing the local counselling service through the school.

I am really worried about the impact on his wellbeing now and in the long term and don't know how best to protect him. If I agree to her (my ex's) demands I potentially put him at increased risk of harm both imeadiate and perhaps also after the investigation....if I refuse, he seems likely to suffer increased anguish and mental trauma as she draws him further into the contact process....

I am sorry this message is so dense and would appreciate any ideas. I have just emailed the social worker and asked her to discus the matter directly with my Ex. I have told my son that there has been a mistake among the adults and that I have asked the social worker to sort it out but that it is definitely not this Friday.... 

Am I doing all I can? Am I going to get in trouble when I can no longer afford the maintenance payment on time (this month I am waiting for a cheque and am going to be late as the amount for December is £540 (thereafter just £270) and I don't have it. CAFCASS is next month and I am dreading that too...

Any advice on any of it would be appreciated. Mainly, how do I protect my children from the process and my Ex's pressure?

Thanks