[Solved] Reply to solicitors letter?..... and a rant.

Hi there

Feel free to rant Chainmail, it helps!

If s up to you whether you reply or not, but if you do I would suggest you word it carefully. From what you say, you have a non mol against you, so you have to be really thoughtful of that.

As annoying as it may be, I suggest you apologise for being 10 minutes late and explain why, also stating that you were assured by the cub leader that he was there in plenty of time for the walk and had a great time...you could state that the update meeting with his teacher took longer than expected and as it was his birthday, there were presents to open and candles to blow out and you felt that it wasn't in his best interests to deny him that by cutting it short on his special day, adding that you are sure that his mum wouldn't want that to happen either.

You should also agree that you will keep communication strictly for the purpose of making contact arrangements and appreciate the offer of using texts or emails to make requests in future. Say that you in no way felt you had been unpleasant, but if that was how you were perceived then you apologise, suggesting that as it was the first time you had been there for five months and it was emotional for you, but you will make sure that you keep it as low key as possible next time.

This may sound a bit like pandering to her, but you know that it's just a tactic to get through the period of your non mol without making it more difficult.

Why have you only got an hour and a half with your kids? Do you have a final order, or is the case ongoing...if it's a final order and you feel that you should get more time with your kids, in six months or so there's nothing to stop you applying for a variation to increase contact...keeping it on the low low and being compliant will help with achieving that.

All the best

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I will reply to her...... sorry but i may be using your wording :whistle: , I certainly don't think that i could have written it as nicely without letting my emotions show though.
I must admit I really don't want to pander to her and this does feel like that but i'm happy to take advice..... i just feel that I've pandered to her for so long just to make things work..... for..... well i'm trying to stop making her the reason for my feelings....... i just find it difficult to see why my children have to miss out.

I suppose that this is because we're now going to a contested hearing and then a final hearing regarding our kids...... watching her in court last Monday I sincerely believe that she thought I might back away and and just accept her offer, her face dropped when i said that as we could not come to an agreement with regard our kids that I would like it to be decided by the judge.

I suppose this was to be expected.... why do women change into this seemingly vindictive vicious possessive person, its like being married to Jackal and Hyde..... soon to be divorced if Nisi ever come through.

I think this is why I've been so melancholy today too..... I just feel so frustrated.... tired..... i've wanted to walk away so many times its almost like psychological warfare.... a college said the other day that this is exactly why shes doing it.... to make me walk..... can i get the judge to send her to counselling for the sake of our kids?.... is this what women are like to each other? ..... I know it takes time for both of us for things to settle and its unlikely to happen whilst this is still in court but i feel that my children should not have to miss out. Sigh.

anyhow, thanks again. this helped the other day and a bit right now.... i understand why people feel so weak and fragile with all the ups and downs..... read headstongs posts before this..... really touched a few nerves... it seems that so many of us feel so alone for the first time..... truly alone..... i must admit i think that i had lost myself in the 'US' over the years and that now having to try and find myself.... lol just caught myself carrying on rambling. really though thank you.

Hi again,

just a quick question after reading one of your replies to Gagsy, this question has been bothering me since last week.

I had a hearing at the end of November in which judge said that contact would go up to every other weekend plus one night a week once i got my own place and that if we could agree then a final order would be made. I got a place (little two bed) and so at the hearing last week was expecting for this to happen, her solicitor said to judge that it needed to be three bed as this is what they had at home and it would disrupt school nights having to share,I explained that my dauhter had shared our bed for the last four years and that for one month every summer the kids shared a bed in their grand parents caravan. judge went with them and changed contact from every sunday to every other weekend friday/saturday night but no mid weeks as it was inappropriate (his words)........ was this a situation where the judge was dragging his feet so that in the end he can still give the extra day at the final hearing instead of equal shared care when i asked for?

Hi Chainmail,

My partner had similar recently where at one hearing the judge said that he would get 50/50 care if he went away and secured a 2/3 bed property for himself and the children by the next hearing which was 4 weeks later. After lots of stress we found somewhere and got some furniture etc onlybto bevtold when they went back to court that he would only get every other weekend (fri- Mon)and one over night in the week. This was all because at the pint she thought she would lose by only getting 50/50 she mad some hideous false allegations and although the judge said they weren't going to take them into account, they clearly did as he never got the 50/50.

He can't really afford the property he rushed out to rent but did because he was told he would get the 50/50 and realistically he could have managed with a 2 bed place with what the order states as the children aren't over lots.

He tends to let the children have a bedroom each when they are with him and he has the sofa bed in the front room when they are over. That might be an option for you to consider if your ex feels they need a room each.

Hi Stacey,

Thanks for the reply.... i know i'm the same, the situation at the moment is one bedroom each and me in living room when they stay, can't really afford a three bed but feel that i have to get one now, this was mentioned to judge also at the time.

A new issue has cropped up. went to pick the kids up again this morning...... second time that i've been to the old FMH after fridays letter because i have the kids again today. I was greeted by the kids mother with a big smile before she proceeded to start trying to have a conversation, i tried to ignore her and just get kids into the car as quick as possible when my son turned around and asked why i was ignoring his mum....... because of her letter on friday! i felt i couldn't say a word, then she tells my son "see i told you he would speak to me to sort things out"!!!! this was followed by a set of instructions about what i could and couldn't do...... This has completely ruined my day with my kids, after i left i promised that i would never let her affect my relationship with my kids again but today i've felt like i did at the end...... worthless, useless that i couldn't do anything right..... an overpowering sense of powerlessness...... and for the first time ever i've cried in front of the kids this afternoon as nothing has gone right today..... then i return them and she's been out and bought a big basket ball net and a ball each ..... she was ready and waiting.... kids ran off without saying goodbye and she had the biggest smile on her face.

How do i stop her abusing me like this.... i've spent the last five months trying to build myself up and i feel like a broken shell again.... i can't go back. i want to get an order..... do i phone the police and report this..... it sounds so ridiculous when i say it back to myself but..... i...... i dont know if i can take this for the rest of the kids childhood.... i'm sorry. i've felt like i've kept this up for so long but the reality is that she can do this when ever she wants and i dont have any defense.... and my kids suffer.

...I think the answer to your quick question is that your judge wasn't strong enough to stand firm on this, but there's nothing to stop you revisiting this at the next hearing...were you self repping?

It's absurd that a two bedroomed place isn't adequate, they don't live there full time, and as they still have a bedroom each, this should have been acceptable. May I ask how old your children are and if they are the same [censored]?

It's impossible to predict what a judge may decide, but it's up to you to,put as strong an argument as possible to convince them that it's in the children's best interests, that is all they are concerned about. Make that arguement successfully and you may see midweek stays added in the final order.

I feel for you CM...it might be better to revert back to using your dad as a third party, just for a while, to get yourself back on track.

Court is such a draining and emotional experience, particularly when a non mol is thrown into the equation.

She shouldn't be "telling" your son anything about the situation between you both, I would be tempted to,add a paragraph about that in the letter to her solicitor. As far as issuing instructions for your time spent with your children, that's also to acceptable, it's up to you what you do with your children when they are in your care.

Her behaviour sounds similar to how a narcissist would act, it's a tactic to make you feel powerless, don't let it get to you... perhaps if you read up on how a narcissist manipulates to gain power and control, you may be able to defend yourself against it.

What would you be phoning the police to report? You can change the way you feel, but you must take back control and you can do that by not placing yourself in the firing line, responding calmly and not putting your self down.

You know your kids love you, she may have bought their attention today, it's another tactic to make you feel intimidated. Don't let it get to you and don't beat yourself up about it.

Chin up and be kind to yourself.

Thank you.

I feel so sad... i think ... i don't know... i just feel so sad for my kids... even for her as absurd as it sounds.... i know that being out of the house that i'd never get full... or even primary custody.... not that i'd want the kids to miss out on their mum... i just don't know, all the emotion just seems to have drained out and i feel hollow.... is this worth pursuing? is it worth putting my kids though this for the next two to three months to try and get an equal shared care agreement? i know my kids have been anxious this last week again because of issues at school.... is it worth it when i have doubts about the judge even granting equal shared care? I just don't know. All the anxiety and .. its so weird how ... the words.

To feel so powerless and to know that my children are going to grow up seeing this, learning how to be like this..... i've never liked bullies and i think that how I've come to view her and why i probable felt resentment towards her..... and there's not a dam thing i can do about it just like normal. I know my children will consciously/unconsciously deiced what they take as they grow up but the ex is so like her mother..... i can just see my daughter growing up and becoming like this and not even realising... it just being one of those learnt behaviors.... this is how we get what we want.... and i can't protect my kids from her..... [censored] when it comes down to it i can't even protect myself..... i know it will come. the strength will return but just how mush damage is done to my kids in the mean time.

thank you for taking the time out of your weekend to reply, its very kind.

... I think it's normal to feel sad CM, your life has changed and you're having to deal with a really difficult situation. When things get too much, it's important to take time out from it all, just to recharge.

It's also important to keep busy and look after the basics; getting enough to eat and adequate sleep, as this will help with your energy levels. If you can't face full meals, eat a little and often, join a gym or go for long runs. If you can gather yourself you will begin to feel better and that will have a knock on effect across the board.

There are no quick fixes, but with a little effort you can find a better place to be in. The bonus is that as you build yourself up, she will see this and it will take the wind out of her sails I'm sure! Your children will also pick up on your growing confidence and that will help them too. You see, she wants to maintain control and if you can step outside of her circle of control and rise above it, it will take the power away from her.

Help your children grow into well rounded and balanced people, by being that person for them., but for now concentrate on the here and now and don't worry about the what ifs. Children are much more resilient than we give them credit for, your children will deal with this if they see that you are doing so.

Keep talking CM, it will help to get perspective and we are here to support you. All the best.

Thank you Mojo.

It strange this need to reach out and make a connection with someone.... it didn't start out like this,...but all of a sudden i'v come back into direct contact with this behavior..... one that has broken me ... one that i just don't seem to have a defense against.... i thought that i had spent the last months building myself up.... and i know that i have built myself up alot..... only for it to all fall again .... and fail badly because i've been all over the place emotionally.

I am extremely grateful to you... and that their are people like yourself in this world.... that you and people like you have made your own adversaries into something beneficial for others.... and most importantly our children..... Thank you