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Hi, I was wondering if I could get some advice.
We have a little girl who will be turning 4 soon.
We both looked after her for just over 3 years, My ex is now dictating how many days I can see her, she is the primary carer etc.
I want a 50/50 split as I feel both parents are equally important to a Childs well being.
Would anybody please be able to explain where I would stand legally with this or is the ball in her court?
Thank you for any advice.
hi,
if your after 50/50 then court look at different factors, like age of child, how far/close you live to child, can you do school runs, is there acrimony/conflict between parents, what is communication like etc. you could try invite your ex to mediation and see if she will agree to it. you could take it to court as last resort.
@bill337 Hi Bill,
Thank you for the advice, unfortunately we split up and like most relationships we argued, she is now seeing this as mental abuse and doesn't believe she has to see a mediator because of this.
We are now living relatively close but every now and again I get threatened with her wanting to move away and take my daughter which has been really stressful.
Thank's again
Is this a relatively recent break up? If so, emotions will still be heightened and anger towards one another will still be there, it’s the process that we have to go through so there will be arguments and animosity. Unfortunately, women know they have the upper hand with the children and will use them to hurt you, whilst not realising that they’re also hurting the children (something I really find hard to understand in women). The best thing to do, is try to be amicable as you don’t want to go to the family court as they will automatically favour the woman and leave you out-of-pocket. Let things calm down a little because she would need your support in the future. Be the better person as it’s the kids that are important and you need to protect them as well as taking care of yourself.
Thank you for the advice, it's tough after I've been seeing my daughter everyday to now be dictated to by her mother. She refuses to see mediation on the grounds that the arguments when we were together were mental abuse. There is a blame game going on. I guess I would just like a third party involved to set down some ground rules we both have to follow, I'm feeling very powerless at the moment.
...from what I am reading there doesn't seem to be much in the way of support for fathers.
Thank you
@marek I understand where you are coming from my friend. Whilst I had always got to see my daughter, I was made to feel I was to blame for everything so any couples counselling was out of the question.
Is she quite amiable? Would the dust need to settle before she might be more accommodating?
If not and I know this is not easy, but try to be calm, don’t get into any arguments and show her you are there to support her and your children (sorry, do you have more than one?)
Nothing worng with getting some free and impartial advice such as citizens advice or Google to get a number.
Thankfully I didn’t have to go to court and line the pockets of solicitors so if you can avoid that, it would be good.
Try your best to keep lines of communication open as much as possible with your kid(s) and although you may have to wait a week or two before you see them which is generally the norm, use the time to take care of you’re self both mentally and physically such as exercising if you can, or any distraction methods, just avoid anything that’s going to give ammunition.
keep posting as there is a lot of support on here.
Headspace
@headspace Hi!
Thank you for your reply.
I have tried to contact citizens advice etc but they all point to mediation which is a no go from her.
I guess I wanted to get a solicitor involved if only to know where I stand, but I'm not sure about the financial costs.
I find it really difficult to keep lines of communication open when the ball is totally in her court and things can change depending what mood she is in.
As soon as I left she bought our daughter a puppy which made it harder for her to spend time with me because she was missing the puppy.
I feel both parents are equally important to a child.
Hi Marek
How old is your daughter? When do you get to see her?
It’s tricky and as a father we know that the ex generally calls the shots because they on most occasions automatically have the children and thus they know how to hurt us. Maybe she got the puppy as a way for your daughter to be distracted from the separation, her way of helping your daughter to cope with it -I’m sure it’s not a personal thing, but I can understand how you feel because in my own break up I took everything personally.
What helped me was having the mindset of knowing that my own child was safe and happy when I wasn’t there and although I found it hard, I drew satisfaction from it.
Give it time; it’s all up in the air and emotions are high but it will get better. I remember being told the same thing when I was posting daily and it was good and true advice. You’re not alone and remember we’ve all gone through this and we’ve got your back. Take care of you first so you’re able to take care if your daughter.
Headspace
@bill337 Hi Bill, initially it was once a week but I managed to get a weekday evening and an evening over the weekend, but all this can change depending what mood she is in, with threats of moving away etc...
I just find it difficult when the child's best interests should be the most important and I honestly feel both parents are equally important.
As soon as I was told to leave the house, she bought our daughter a puppy which meant it was harder to see her because she missed the puppy....
I don't like the fact my ex partner controls everything after we both spent the first 3 years both bringing up our child.
@marek ok that is very limited time to be spending with your child and seems unreasonable and unfair. From legal point you would have to attend mediation. Even if she is refusing now, you can still book an appointment with mediator. It's called a MIAM. They can decide if they want to invite your ex to mediation. If she refuses, then they can give you permission to apply to court. Have a look at family mediation council site https://www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/
Do everything you possibly can to avoid Family court. It is a stressful , painful and stupidly long process. If Mum wants to deny you all contact , she can and when you mention court there is a good chance this is what she will get advised to do - and there is nothing you can do about it.
Expect her to start making allegations about you too IF you make a court application , this is a pretty standard reaction - so you could end up having to defend your character because that will be attacked as well as fighting for a few hours of contact with your child every week.
A pretty grim picture but its best you are prepared.
@harveybdac This sounds awful and doesn't paint a pretty picture of fathers rights especially when we have both been bringing up our young daughter.
Stop listening to whoever is telling you that you have "rights" - you have none. Mum has no rights either - the only person who has any rights is your daughter.
Yes, your daughter does have rights and that includes having contact with both parents. Do you have parental responsibility ie are you named on the birth certificate? I agree its best to keep out of court if you can as its stressful and painfully slow. There are various guides on the advicenow.org.uk website which might help you work out what would be reasonable in your circumstances. It would also be good if you could get her to agree to mediation.
@champagne Hi! Thank you for the advice, it's tough after I've been seeing my daughter everyday to now be dictated to by her mother. She refuses to see mediation on the grounds that the arguments when we were together were mental abuse. There is a blame game going on. I guess I would just like a third party involved to set down some ground rules we both have to follow, I'm feeling very powerless at the moment.
...from what I am reading there doesn't seem to be much in the way of support for fathers.
Thank you
M
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