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Hi all
I'm what you may call a newbie on here, very glad i came across this site as have been freaking out a bit.
Bit of background, I am 33, my girlfriend is 31 - we've been together for 18 months and she told me she is pregnant on Christmas eve - this is very unplanned as wanted to wait until we were married before we started a family, that and i personally don't believe we're in the right place in our relationship to even consider children .. so this was a rather unexpected and somewhat unwanted present from my perspective.
So now we're 2 months in, and i feel absolutely nothing but resentment towards this child,i'm doing my best to stay positive but it is a huge struggle - all i see is the negatives it will bring
Is this is normal attitude? I feel incredibly guilty that my girlfriend is happy but i can't share that with her
Hi JAFFA1981,
It is normal to feel a little apprehensive when you discover your expecting a baby. I would imagine that this would be magnified if the pregnancy is unplanned.
You say all you can focus on are the negatives. In your mind what are the negatives?
You say you wanted to wait until you were married before you started a family. Was this what you both wanted ? Had you discussed this ?
Being an expectant dad can cause all sorts of emotions so don't think your reaction is abnormal and stop feeling guilty about how you are feeling?
Keep talking
Gooner
Hi Gooner
Thanks for the swift response and the encouraging words ...
In terms of the negatives, my mind always goes back to
a) financials - how 1 salary support 3 people, when 2 salaries barely supported 2
a.i) having a child now pushes out longer term financial goals such as getting married
b) life, as we know it will never be the same again (I appreciate that's somewhat selfish)
c) even though i want kids, i find it very hard to be around babies and i struggle to see how i will cope
d) what if, when it arrives i just don't like it
e) how will friends and family react
We have always said that we'd get married first and enjoy some "us" time before starting a family, and losing that opportunity has upset me quite alot
I guess at the end of the day, it is what it is and i just have to deal with it - nice to be able to talk about it though 🙂
Hi JAFFA1981,
It sounds to me as if you have a real mix of some valid concerns, a little fear of the unknown and a little negativity about your ability to be a dad. All this is perfectly normal.
Bringing up a child can be expensive, however you will be entitled to some benefits to supplement your wages. Check out this benefit checker at Turn2Us which will enable you to see what you can claim. You will need to start to budget and plan for the big event. Yes you will now have to push back some of your long terms plans.
I'm not going to lie to you, life will not be the same again. That is not necessarily a bad thing but feeling concerned about it is also not at all selfish.
We can help with all the advice you require, you will be able to cope. This is one of the questions we get regularly. How will I cope, what do I know about babies and what if I don't have the right feelings when my baby is born. Having doubts about your ability to cope, love and care for a baby are normal -in fact if you had no doubts at all I would be more worried. I can't make you any promises other than we are here and can offer advice and support to you.
I totally understand your fear of missing out on 'us' time. You and your GF can still have 'us' time. You just may need to plan it a little more than now and be slightly less spontaneous than you are able to at the moment.
how will friends and family react
I have no idea. I would hope in a positive way. How are you expecting them to react?
Are you having any other concerns?
Can I ask what you meant when you said
i personally don't believe we're in the right place in our relationship to even consider children
Keep talking,
Gooner
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