[Solved] New to DAD...

Hi There,

Welcome along.

What brings you here?

Darren

Hi Darren,

Last resort (no disrespect intended)

Am wondering if it really is worth pursuing contact with my children or whether it's just too hard for me and probably them too

No problem,

It is always worth pursuing contact, it won't always be easy for either you children or yourself, but they have a right to see you as much as you have to see them.

They need you in thier lives.

What have you tried so far?

Darren

Thanks Darren,

I've tried phoning, texting and emailing.

With emailing, I generally receive a cut and pasted piece of text that says how I've disappointed and destroyed the children and that she won't be bullied or threatened by my messages. For info, the only time I've "threatened" is by threatening to call the police when she moved house without a) telling me she was doing so and b) refusing to give me the new address. Other than that, my messages could not reasonably be interpreted as threatening or bullying.

I once wrote a letter to her (before we were married actually), she laughed at me, so I haven't written a letter to her since.

When their mother receives CSA payments, arranging to see the children merely becomes extremely difficult and only on a date convenient with her with zero room for negotiation. Without payments, contact visits are relegated to zero, which is the stage we're entering into now.

Until last weekend, I had a really encouraging level of contact with my 16-year old son - virtually daily texting with GCSE updates and we're following each other on twitter as well. However, on Friday night, he texted me saying "I don't think I'll be able to see you for a while now" and hasn't responded to any of my texts since, my other son and daughter's mobiles are switched off now...which is unusual.

I believe their Mother has told them that they're not allowed to be in contact with me; it happened for a 5-month period last year as well.

Hi there,

You need to take some action as it seems you are loosing out on seeing your children, I would ensure you keep all the emails and txt as evidence incase they are needed.

I would recomend sending a letter to her recorded delivery telling her that you intend to pursue seeing your children and that you would like to discuss arrangements for this through mediation, by the sounds of it she probably won't attend but by asking her to you are showing that you want to be reasonable in sorting your issues to enable you to see your children, within the letter let her know that you are aware of how the proccess works and will if needed apply to the family court for a contact order to be placed, ensure this doesn't come accross as a threat but just that you are letting her know you will follow this through.

I would have a read of yoji's guide at the top of the legal section for apply for and representing your self in court.

Hope this helps

Darren

Thanks Darren,

I'll write the letter tonight and send recorded as you suggest.

I really appreciate your taking the time to chat with me this morning, thanks again.

Not problem , hope you get somewhere, keep us posted

Hey Guys,

Just to let you know that the children's mother appears to have had a change of heart and said I can go visit them this weekend after all - she called late yesterday evening - thank heavens.

Clearly, there is still some way to go before regular access can be relied upon but this looks like a chance to move forward and at least see what the children really want to do with our relationship.

Thanks to all for your support yesterday - been a pretty dark few days.

Thank you again.

that's great news.

Enjoy your time with them, I would still consider trying mediation to try and get a more solid arrangment though as it all seems a little up in the air.

Darren

That's great news Bearish.

I love reading positive outcomes on the forum.

Sounds like things are moving in the right direction - keep us posted.

Gooner

Is it morally acceptable for a father to deny child maintenance for his three children (aged 10, 13 and 16 yrs) and to go out of his way to do so? How does a father that leaves his family in dire financial circumstances sleep at night? To leave his family after sexual dalliances on dubious marital affair websites and then leave them with no home after his spendthrift ways meant that their house was ordered for repossession and then to leave them with no contribution to their rented accommodation and for them to have to move home for the third time in as many years so that they have to depend on benefits to survive. Is it right to then demand access to the children on dates that are only convenient for him and only want to see them less than once a month. Is is right that he should then bleat on dad advice forums that he is hard done by when his teenage sons have to share a bed and his daughter has to share with her mother? Is it right that he should then connive to declare a zero income whilst having a highly paid job and driving a Jaguar and relocating to a new home four hours away from the children? Is it right that he finds another woman to scrounge off and remarry and desert the children he professes to love so much? Why would a loving (and so called "religious christian" father do that? Why reject your children in their formative years and cause as much trouble for them and their mother as possible and whilst doing so expect to elicit sympathy because his bullying and intimidating ways and the way in which he treats them with such disdain means that his children are reluctant to see them. Does such lack of support and deliberate dishonesty warrant sympathetic response from other fathers? Would YOU treat your children in this way? Does a loving father deliberately make sure his children go without and cause pain and suffering and expect them to love and respect him. Is the self-pity warranted or is such a father totally oblivious to causing his family hardship?

Darren - don't believe everything you read on this site - there are some men on here that actually give fathers a bad name and portray themselves as needing pity when actually they are flimsy with the truth and don't love their children enough to do right by them. If you are reasonable and honest and behave honourably and fairly then there would be good relations all round and the children would have no reason to be hurt and left without. Some fathers are bullying and manipulative and go out of their way to make life difficult for their families. Ironically some dads only actually want to spend a token afternoon with their children when it suits themself and according to their demands whilst not even paying basic child maintenance and living an affluent lifestyle themselves. Of course the children don't want to see a dad who would deliberately leave them to suffer and make their lives miserable. Attacking their mother doesn't help them. A real father would man up and do the best for his children and not resort to intimidation and nastiness. What goes around comes around..... Sorry Darren if you've been duped by certain new members to this site who think only of themselves and are less than honest. Like I say, it gives true fathers a bad name.....

The state and other taxpayers are paying for your children Bearish whilst you duck and dive to evade paying maintenance. That is wicked. Meanwhile your eldest son has to work to fund his schoolwork and sporting passion by taking on work himself and has at least got a work ethic. Their mother is left to struggle working full time in a low paid job in order to juggle caring for the children and fending off aggressive behaviour from yourself. Not a fine example of being a dad.

Susan,

Welcome to the site. I take it from your post that you are Bearish's ex ? I have removed some of your posts because they were a little repetitive however have left the remainder because everyone deserves a right to reply.

This is an open forum and anyone is entitled to post and lively discussion is welcomed - however we will not tolerate members just throwing insults at each other.

On a personal note - for my part I can not agree with any non resident parent withholding maintenance. The welfare of the child/children should always come first.

It seems to me that there is a lot of anger between, yourself and your ex and I can understand that - when a relationship breaks up it can be messy - and to be honest I am talking to both of you here -somewhere caught in the middle are three children. Whatever has happened before needs to be put to one side for the sake of your children. They haven't asked to be in this situation.

I can't tell either of you what to do, to be honest I wouldn't want to, but I would suggest that mediation might be very helpful in this situation.
Here is a link for National Family Mediation and also Relate both are experts at helping separated parents come to agreements and an understanding. We do have some relate experts on the site who we can ask to pop by and offer some advice if you would like.

Gooner.

Amanda,

I think Gooner has made a very sensible suggestion in utilising a mediation service.

What do you think?

Hi both

Just my opinion, but I would have thought that any conversation between the two of you should take place "off air".