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Hi.
Im new to forum life so please for give any noob errors.
My wife and I have a 2 week old beautiful son. things haven't been right between us for a year. I was distant, miserable, loosing weight, not supportive and after talking to a therapist at work, possibly going through some kind of mid life crisis at 34 years old.
We separated just after Christmas and its been up in the air, off and on since a couple of weeks before he was born. I couldn't carry on living like this and decided to move to my dads a few weeks before he was born. Things were pretty frosty at best and understandably so as in essence, I had just left my very pregnant wife and just to add insult to injury.....I crashed my car!
When he was born I was at the birth and it was almost like nothing had ever happened, we took him home and for a week we ignored our situation for the most part but then it started coming up in conversation. She wanted to know what was going on and in truth, I was there for my son and i'm good at being a dad ( who knew?) but I'm just not in love with her anymore. I will always have feelings for her as we've spent 10 years together but I cant give her what she wants. I'm hurting her and i hate that and it needs to stop. I have plans to rent a place just out of town so that I'm near.
He's now 2 weeks old and doing really well. I'm lucky with work and I have quite a bit of time off to spend with him, the issue is that she only wants me to come 3 days a week which I don't think is enough. She says its hard for her to see me being such a good dad and not being her husband anymore..I'm trying to be as nice as possible and I get where she is coming from but it makes me so sad that i'm not with my boy more.
I feel like a bit of a fraud, i'm not getting my hands as dirty as i should, i want more dirty nappies. I feel like i'm not being allowed to be a proper part of his life almost as a punishment for my absent feelings for my wife.
Will it get better?
Will we manage to get this sorted with out resorting to awful legal things?
I want to contribute to her house costs but she won't let me.
Should I fake my feelings of love just so that I can be closer to my son?
I'm a bit lost.
No no no don't live a lie . I to spent five years of a unhappy marriage thinking it was for the best. I remember what my solicitor said when getting divorced who was female she said I wish males would grow [censored] instead of prolonging the inevitable. I don't know you but also you do need to consider what your wife has gone through. She may not of been the ideal wife but her hormones have been all over the place and also the coming months with sleepless nights won't help. Time apart may be the answer get your heads around what do you really want ? If you have an employee helpline with your work use it talk to someone. I'm now five years further on from growing [censored] and never been happier. The key thing is to be open honest and try and stay civil.
Hi There,
.
I think that maybe some couples counselling may be a good idea for you both, it's not just about trying to resolve issues and keeping a relationship together but it could also help you to seperate in a better way, and give you and your ex some closure and allow you both to be honest.
.
But I agree that no you shouldn't live a lie, it will only end in tears and more stress in the long run.
.
GTTS
I've done what i've done to be true to myself and true to my son, I dont want him growing up seeing a loveless relationship. So, I think in that respect I have done the right thing. I think the hormones are in full swing with her as I'm getting a barrage of hurtful messages which I guess is fair because I've caused some hurt. I just wish we could put all that aside for now and concentrate on whats best for the little man.
I'm having counselling through work which is helping, writing lots of things down. Just wish I could be there for him more.
We did go for couples counselling and they said to wait until the baby is born and come back for 'negotiations'. My wife said that its a waste of money to pay someone to tell us how to split up but I think it would be really helpful to do it in a calm atmosphere where everyone gets a fair say, plus there is a referee there 🙂
Things have gone from bad to worse.
I do realise that I have caused massive hurt to my wife and I understand that she never wanted any of this but now she is limiting me to seeing my son only 2 days a week, which in my eyes is completely unacceptable. Its like she is doing this because this is the only aspect that she has control over. The reason that she is giving me for this is that its really hard to watch me leave everytime i'm there. I want to be there as much as I can for him but now it is looking impossible to come to a solution between the 2 of us.
Can she do this on these legally? I'm not sure what rights I have as hid dad?
She says that the child won't have a family that he needs but he will have a mother and father that love him .....and, I think she is planning on moving back to where she is from, 50 miles away so she can be near her family.
I'm worried that I'll lose the bond I have with my boy .
When I made this choice, I didnt think that I would see my boy so little...I thought that one day we could be civil and amicable and even one day friends. I have never raised my voice, i'm always friendly towards her but all that I get back seems to be hate from what I've done.
Maybe I was being naive to think that it could be such a clean break and I could get to see my son regularly.
any help or advice would be very much appreciated.
R
I would really try and get to Relate or another couples counselling session.
Your rights as a dad are fairly limited in so much that if the mother says you can't see him, then you can't force her.
I would try and give her a bit of time, she's had a baby and a relationship breakdown at the same time, that can't be easy to deal with.
The other option is mediation - you can discuss contact and finances at the same time.
If counselling or mediation don't work, the only other route available to you both is a court application.
Good luck
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