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Hi i am new on the forum and wanted to share my story and get some advice.
So i am a father to 2 beautiful girls who are everything to me, they are aged 8 & 6.
I caught my wife texting another man around 18 months ago, she begged me to forgive her and i did, thought we could work through things and then at Christmas she told me she didn't love me anymore. Cut a long story short i tried to give her space and time but that just led to me staying home with the kids whilst she stayed at her friends to get space. she would take them to school and drop off and then would leave home as soon as i got in from work, weekends she would usually stay away for at least 1 night.
I don't know if she is meeting up with another guy or genuinely at her friends but in reality i don't think it matters now, if she doesn't want me then does it matter who she does want?
She decided that she wanted out of the marriage and to sell the house etc about a month ago and we are going through the details. she has become quite nasty with her general attitude towards me and i am really having to bite my tongue so the kids can't see us arguing. it's not easy.
We have the family home which neither of us can afford to purchase on our own so we need to sell this and have agreed to split the equity 50/50.
we have also agreed 50/50 shared custody of the kids which i am determined about, i need my kids in my life and if that means cutting some work time or spending out on childcare before and after school i will do so.
she works 2 days a week and was looking to rent a house in the local area and use Universal credit to avoid having to work more days, it appears because she will have equity of around 90k she can't claim this benefit and it has made her question if i should have 50/50 care and it would be better for the kids to not have to move around so much (ie can i let her have them and pay Child Maintenance) I've told her i want 50/50, its best for the kids too who i have become extremely close with over the past year when she has been out looking for space.
My worries are telling the kids, sure they have an idea everything isnt right but telling them we are splitting and they have to lose their home is really hurting me and thats before we tell them.
I then need to find a home and i can't afford to buy in the local area (my ex is going to rent here) my brother and his family live 15 miles away and houses are cheaper so i was thinking of buying a house there, its a 20-25 minute drive to school - do you guys see that as an issue? i just think it will help me have a fresh start but i dont want to do anything that will make it harder for the kids to come over and see me (there is a train that they can catch which is only 4 stops and 20 minutes if i wasnt able to get them in the car)
i want them to stay at same school and attend secondary schools in the current area to stay near friends etc.
lastly i am looking for some hint that things do get better in time, i can't remember the last time i slept through a night and my Ex just says kids will be ok etc when i feel so guilty about the hurt this will cause, i do still grief for our marriage although that is easing all the time with her nasty behaviour.
i thought my life was set, that i would grow old with my wife and enjoy watching the kids grow up so this has hit me like a hammer.
Hello, first of all, well done on focusing on your children and not getting nasty with your ex. That is the best way to be and make sure your mid set stays that way. It is horrible separating with children involved, it is hard for everyone.
Have you both thought about attending a mediation session to discuss the child arrangement? From what you have said, I cant see anything that would raise concerns regarding safety of the children. But moving a half hour journey away from their school might be of concern to the mum. Is there no way you can continue the mortgage payments yourself?
Your kids are the priority, they can probably tell everything isnt right but try not to expose them to any issues with their mum. My eldest is 5 and she always says she wishes i lived with her and it kills me because she doesnt understand why I am not there anymore.
Try and get it sorted as cleanly as possible. Stay clam, stay focused on the kids and be the great dad that you are already. Good luck with it.
thank you Ferfer, i really appreciate your advice. On the house..i can afford the mortgage but can't raise enough to buy her equity out completely and she won't agree to me staying without all of her money, that would be my preferred option and i know would make the transition easier for the kids, My Wife just says i worry too much and they will be fine, she may be correct on that i really don't know.
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