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Hi,
I am new to this site and have come for some advice. My son is 14 and lives with me 50% of the time (which I really appreciate). His mother and I split up 12 years ago, and for the most part we have a healthy relationship and he has seen this all of his growing life. The issue I have is that she is very relaxed in her attitude to the smoking of weed and 'soft' drug use. I have dabbled in that area in my late teens and early twenties, so am not naïve to the matter; however, my 14 year old son has started hanging around with a crowd of people known for their drug use. I have sat him down and spoken to him, openly, about drug use and the fact that at 14, he is way too young to be taking dugs of any nature, and the dangers of doing so. He has admitted smoking weed, but was very cagey about how often. We went on the Ask Frank website together and talked about the potential impact it could have on him, and also his whole family.
The issue I have is that his mother is allowing him to sleep over at much older teenage boys flats, where the drug use is happening, and almost seems to condone it. I have asked why she thinks this is ok, and her rely is that she trusts him to make the right decisions and so should I, or I will end up pushing him away. But surely, you cant let a child, and lets face it, that's what he is at the moment, get involved in drink / drugs, for fear of them not wanting to be with you?
I am so scared that he will say he doesn't want to come to me any more if he can get away with that lifestyle at his mums, but not at mine.
Has anyone else experienced this and got any tips or guidance?
I look forward to any replies.
Hi and welcome to the forum
Weed is a huge problem amongst our teenagers at present and I think you're right to be concerned about guiding your son in the right direction. There is also an argument for allowing him to make his own decisions but you both have a responsibility to set boundaries as well and ensure his safety.
Have you tried to sit down with the mother face to face and discuss a way forward? You could consider mediation where you could try and agree a way forward?
Do you think the mother is aware perhaps of the dangers smoking weed can present? From the little knowledge I have, it does seem to be much more prevalent these days than when our generation was younger. It's also a lot stronger with all sorts of chemically enhanced versions being available that are causing teenagers all sorts of issues.
In the short term, I agree that if you are the only parent setting boundaries, then you could risk pushing your son away. His mum's attitude does sound fairly irresponsible and a bit lazy. Other than sitting down face to face alone with the mother or considering mediation, I'm a bit stumped I'm afraid. If you did manage to agree a way forward with the mother, would it be a possibility that you could speak to your son together?
Hopefully some of our other members will have more to say on this matter.
Good luck
I'm afraid I can't offer any more help, I've been fortunate enough not to have had experience of this so I can't give any personal experience. It might be worth having a word with your GP - they may well know of local resources that could help.
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