[Solved] Mum who needs advice

Hi and welcome to the forum

Nobody can know what is going on and whether this is being driven by your ex's mother or not. Having said that, even if the dad isn't interested but the grandmother is, perhaps you could deal directly with her? A child has a right to have a meaningful relationship with both their parents and families but they also need routine and consistency.

Perhaps another option is to ask him to attend mediation with you so that you can work out a way forward, You might find it takes time for everything to settle down but dad needs to commit to routine and stability. For every parent fighting for any extra minutes they can spend with their children, there will be parents that just aren't that consistent or interested.

At the end of the day, you can't force him to take contact but perhaps you could work out a routine with your daughter's paternal grandmother for now. At 3 months old, a baby needs contact with paternal family little and often and as they get older, they need routine and stability.

If the father isn't contributing financially, you can contact the CMS to sort that out for you.

His mother verbally berated me last i saw her telling me i was a bad mum because he cant take her for a couple of days she is 3 months and breasts fed she only wants things on her terms.
i am doing all the work paying for everything on my own how long iam i expected to wait for him to get his [censored] together and act like a grown man and is it fair that he get to take his time and jump back in when he feels like it? She is young and doesn't know whats going on but i really dont understand why he gets to come back after walking away if i had done that when he did she never would have been born i never had any doubts about her but i have to wait for him to get it togeather im not going to csa for money i can provide what she needs
Im interested in what others in this forum have to say

I can understand why you are upset, but it's really not about you or the dad, it's about your child's right to have both parents and wider family involved in her life.

I think you have to separate your differences with him, there are many separated couples that put their differences aside for their child's benefit.... that means no arguing in front of your child, no bad comments about him to your child and working out a regular schedule of contact that you will both stick to. It's a good idea to work on a Parenting Plan, this covers all aspects of co parenting and makes it easier because you have guidelines and boundaries already decided and agreed.

At the moment, because you're breastfeeding, it's common sense that contact with her dad and his family must fit around that, maybe you could think about expressing milk for her to be fed by her dad so that he could have a little longer with her at some point.

As she gets older and more independent, contact can be increased and it's usual for overnight stays to start at around 18 months.

I don't understand why you wouldn't want him to contribute financially, don't be too proud, it's his responsibility to provide for his child, so think about swallowing your pride and getting that extra help in place...it will help towards things your daughter will need as she grows.

As I said, you're angry right now, try and rationalise....from the timeframe you gave, you were only together a couple of months or so, I doubt you planned to get pregnant, it will have been a shock to him to find out about it so long after you split up. You had time to prepare, he may have been running scared ....becoming a parent is a very big deal. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, just trying to see both sides.

I think mediation might be a good idea, just you and him sitting round a table, discussing how to make it work and putting some kind of agreement in place, mediators are trained to help with this and will not take sides.

All the best

I think mediation is the best way forward, but he has to understand that he needs to show that he's reliable (and keep his mother in check, though that might settle down if he starts to prove himself). Don't be bullied into something that isn't right, but if he is prepared to start being a proper dad, then it's worth considering a plan for contact for the longer term, so starting off with a small amount of contact and increasing over time - if he can agree to that (a bit of compromise on both sides might be needed) and stick to the plan, it could be best for all concerned.