Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
My ex partner and I split over 4 years ago and we have two children aged 6 and 5 now. At the time I was would be working 6 months of the year( 2 weeks away 2 weeks home) and while I was off I would have the children overnight between 70-80% of the time which helped the ex partner to work as a full time nurse 12 hour shifts etc.
On separating I helped her to buy a house buy giving her over half the deposit towards a house so the children would have a settled home and avoid the high cost of renting for her. I have been giving her more then her mortgage per month, ever since and having the kids at the same rate 70-80% of the time (documented with a diary).
This situation has worked fine for the last few years. I bought a house in Merseyside and moved in there just over a year ago, about a mile down the road from the ex and close enough to the children's school and future schooling etc, but far enough away from the ex partner.
I have also gone self employed over a year ago now but have kept the payments the same ( 3 Job changes since the initial split due to the down turn in oil prices etc).
Now she has met a partner who lives in Liverpool closer to her work in the Hospital. Now she wants to up root the children to somewhere in Liverpool over 30mins drive away and rent out the house that I helped her buy.
Uprooting two children at such a critical stage in their personal development year one and two in school (September) while they have afterschool clubs football and swimming and are all settled in life in general I think is a terrible idea.
Also it will mean me seeing the children less really, which I do not want. Her main support over the last 4 years has been myself and my parents, now suddenly she wants to take them away from the main support structure she has and probably render me just a weekend dad. Which is the last thing I want. Then in turn she will want more money from me for not seeing the children as much.
A school run for me would take up 3 hours of my day and incur considerable costs to and from. And furthermore the house that I helped her buy with deposit contribution, she wants to rent that out (£600-650PCM)
I am just looking for advise on what to do to prevent this and what could she claim if she went the CSA or CMO way. Would my salary be taken in to account or will dividends as well? As I have been spending a lot on the house doing it up so have taken dividends over the last tax year to improve the house for the children to stay with me.
Any advise welcome
Hi There,
This does sound unfair on you, and I can understand the way that you feel.
I do think though that you would struggle to stop the move as it is only 30 mins away from where she currently lives.
I guess the best option for you would be if the children stayed at their current school and she did the travel for school runs to where they are currently
have you discussed options with her?
If so what has she said?
GTTS
Hi there
Ive got to agree wih GTTS, as the move would be classed as still accessible to you, I doubt that they would stop it, unless you could prove that it was to prevent contact.
It might be a good idea to try mediation, at least to talk about the implication and to get agreement on contact arrangements once the move has happened, as part of that you would discuss travel arrangements and sharing the expense of that, perhaps splitting the travelling, with one of you dropping off and the other picking up. You will want to kow what accompdation she will be moving to, that it is to the same standard that the children are used to and also information about the school that they will be attending. Heres a link to the mediation service
www.nfm.org.uk
Maintenance is calculated on gross income, heres the CMS calculator that will give you a rough idea of what you might expect to pay.
www.gov.uk/calcuate-your-child-maintenance
Im not sure where you stand on having taken dividends over the last year, sorry about that. Hopefully someone will be along to share their experience about this with you.
Best of luck
The school they are in at the moment is one of the tope primary schools in the area so it would be a better idea to keep them in there. I have tried talking to her but it is like treading on eggshells all the time, the 1st suggestion of anything other than what she wants to do then I am blocked from the phone or whatsapp etc. Like I was for fathers day just gone.
I suggested that we sit down with all the people that this will affect and discuss it, and the response was well I've already decided that I'm doing it anyway, this is the maturity levels that I am having to deal with.
Mediation is something that I will be putting to her again.
Thanks for your responses, I think I will be getting legal advise about the housing situation.
Any other ideas are more than welcome
She might take more notice of attending mediation, if she receives a formal invitation from the mediation service directly.
If you think the move might be imminent, it might be as well to make an urgent application for a Prohibited Steps Order and Child Arrangements Order, in which case you wouldn't need to attempt mediation beforehand.
If you feel that due to the nature of her work, having to work 12hr shifts and relying on you and family to support her with that...the fact that she will have much less support if she moves, that she refuses to discuss schools and accommodation, or how contact with your kids might work after the move, given that they have a firmly established routine where they spend a lot of time with you and your family...and uprooting the children from an excellent school where they're happy. All reasons to argue that the move isn't in their best interests.
Even if you aren't successful in stopping the move ultimately, it will be delayed whilst the court case takes it course, you might succeed, there's no way of knowing. At least you would have an order in place at the end of it that defines your contact with your children, whereas waiting until after the move to sort it out might see you having to settle for an arrangement you're not happy with.
If you're children are used to a certain amount of contact with you, that would also be a reason to sort it out prior to the move. Once court action is underway your coparenting relationship with your ex is likely to deteriorate, she may try and stop contact or limit it, so be prepared for that.
Mojo,
Yes I will try the formal approach of the mediation, I am reluctant to go to court because of the total breakdown in communications that will inevitably happen there. Not that comms are great now, but not sure if I want to risk me seeing less of the children because of court proceedings. But it may come to that.
Thanks for your input I will see if there is any joy in mediation.
Regards
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.