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Hello all,
Any guidance welcomed and considerations of how much scope there could be to secure 50:50 arrangement or even secure permanent residence in my home to protect son from increasingly irrational and toxic behaviour which is becoming more problematic.
What little access and routines that have been established since separation are being changed on an irregular basis with little or no notice. Mother still resists more balanced shared care arrangement. Planning activities is ALWAYS difficult and 8 year old son is now increasingly aware he is missing out on things he would like us to do together or with his friends.
Appeals and requests for consideration documented in exchanges by text demonstrate unreasonable, inconsistent and erratic behaviour. Ongoing abuse and threats may help demonstrate, support and substantiate allegations of a complex, irrational personality disorder combining a functioning alcoholic with ongoing after effects of brain injury sustained many years ago.
Mother limited access since separation to optimise claim with CSA. This is contrary to agreement that there would be no restrictions on access for long established bedtime and breakfast routines from birth upto 4 years old. Allowances only provided to accommodate her own indulgences. The years of dealing with this and dedication to ensuring my son's well-being have seriously impacted my career and financial status so now scraping by on a very low income.
Finding a solution is time consuming and almost impossible. Injustice of UK legal process appears to create barriers and the (former?) CSA creates a system to justify and encourage unethical, unscrupulous and manipulative behaviour which is counter productive to the welfare of children and concerns of caring parents forced out of their upbringing.
Thanks,
WD
Hi WD,
I'm afraid the path your ex-wife has taken is a well trodden one: it is very common for mothers to limit residency or visitation in order to maximise claims on their ex-husband's estates and CM payments. The state's aim seems (reasonably) to be to keep the welfare budget to a minimum, but in order to do this it penalises one parent (almost invariably the father) whilst favouring the other (which is unreasonable, but no one much seems to care). The degree of bias in family court cases would be illegal in most other parts of our society (for example employment law), but the state and society at large accepts it.
What can you do about it: legally probably nothing, there are some well meaning groups that chain themselves to things and climb tall buildings but no one cares much. You could embark on a Bob Geldof type campaign, but even if your ex-wife is a habitual drug user you may not achieve much. You can do a great deal for your son though: be there for him all the time, make sure he knows you love him and form a strong bond in spite of his mother's behaviour. This is a long game, one day you will see the benefits, and be able to look him in the eye and tell him you did all you could.
I'd love to say that you would have a good chance on a shared residency order (I managed to get that for my son, it was expensive and took me to the limits of my resolve, but it was well worth it for him), but in my experience courts will avoid intervening unless something is going badly wrong for your son (and at 8 he is a bit too young to be asked to determine that, unless he is at risk).
I'm sorry I can't put a shinier gloss on this WD, difficult mothers are just hard work and you just have to stick with it and be a really good dad.
Best wishes,
A
Hi WD and welcome to the forum
I have to agree with othen on this being a well trodden path.
However, I have to disagree with the rest I'm afraid othen, not everyone has these experiences. . It is possible to follow a legal route on the contact issues; firstly via mediation as it mandatory to attempt this process and secondly by making an application to the court.
Whilst a court application won't resolve the financial side of things, it will be possible to secure for your son the certainty and routine of a court order defining what happens for his contact time with you and he is the priority here. You still have many years left of trying to do the best for your relationship with him.
An application fee is £215 although exemptions and reductions are available for low incomes. It is not that difficult to self rep, a good portion of our members have done just that with great success. Have a look through the stickies at the top of the Legal Eagle section for more info and we would all do everything we can to support you if you choose to take that path.
It's true there are some 'well meaning' organisations that have made extreme demonstrations over the years, however there are organisations such as Families Need Fathers who are the UK's largest shared parenting charity who have been around since the 70's that give fantastic support and guidance to parents facing these issues. FNF have the support and recognition of the family court and hold regular meetings all round the country run by volunteers that are able to assist before, during and after these issues.
http://www.fnf.org.uk/help-and-support-2/local-branch-meetings
Keep talking and we will try to support you any way we can. Good luck.
Good afternoon Yoda,
I am delighted to have been proven wrong, and wish WD good fortune.
O
...the trouble with our family court system is the fact that every judge has their own way of dealing with things and their judgements can vary wildly! That's why you will read such differing stories here. Whilst some find it extremely difficult to get a bare minimum of contact, others succeed with relative ease in securing a 50/50 agreement. its a suck it and see situation I'm afraid.
Others experiences are a valuable resource but cant be used as a measuring stick for what will happen in anothers case. I think it's best not to be pessimistic or too negative when advising and supporting new members, the journey is daunting enough... Let's not put people off before they've even started!
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