[Solved] MEDIATION in five days

That sounds like a bit of a bombshell mate. A few things come to mind.

First, it’s nice that you got him a Christmas present. I think it’s also really good that you are talking about rebuilding trust not just with him but also his mom. If you haven’t seen him in 5 years, it’s going to to take a LOT to rebuild that trust.

Have very low expectations for the initial stages. I presume this is from a different mother than your daughter. When did you last speak to the boys mother ? Have you been contributing financially ? Does he have a stepfather ? Have you got parental responsibility of him ?

Basically accept that she is going to start by saying no to everything you ask, and judging from your description, you can’t really blame her for that. She will want to test you over time that you really have changed. You need to accept this and not be discouraged by it.

It’s understandable that whatever happened in the past was the result of problems you were facing, however, this is something you are better off talking about with your therapist, your family, your friends or even us. Do not talk to your son’s mother about your problems. Talk to her about her problems and how you understand your past actions made her life harder and you want to fix that.

So in short, my plan would be:
- Apologize.
- Focus on her problems, not yours.
- Stay calm when she says no to everything, accept it’s going to be like that for a while.
- Rather than asking for things, offer things. It will get you to your end goal faster. If you don’t already, start paying maintenance.
- Start small, ie, don’t start asking about overnights, instead ask for things that can help you get to know him, like what are his hobbies, what’s his favourite food, how is he doing at school, does he know how to ride a bike yet, etc. Once you get these things you can build from there slowly.

Let us know how you get on.

I don't know about a step father, and I've been paying out of my benifits for the last five years, and yes I've got P.r.
A received a letter from my sons mother about two months ago after I sent a few letters explaining everything,

It's really good that she's agreed to mediation. I've taken your advice on bord and I've wrote it down so I can use it next week,

Also do you think it's a good idea to take all his Christmas cards from my family to give her or post them??

As you are having shuttle mediation, you can ask the mediator to ask her if she is happy to accept the gifts and cards, but understand if she refuses... as Superprouddad says, try not to have any expectations, then whatever small steps you can achieve will be a bonus.

It is a good sign that she's agreed to mediation, I would let her know you are happy to take her lead on how to progress contact, let her make the suggestions and accept that you must be patient, she may surprise you and want you to be involved sooner rather than later.

Cheers mojo, I'm prepared for the long road and it wouldn't be fair on my son or his mother to just jump right in and rock the boat.

I've been sending my son a letter every week for the last few months. Just asking about hobbies, school etc.

I will update this post on Thursday after the mediation meeting. I'm really nervous.

Wish me luck

From the sound of it, with regular letter writing, you've been doing some groundwork already and this will help make progression onto direct contact easier for him.. Does he reply to your letters?

I hope it goes well for you on Thursday.

Best of luck

No reply from my son yet. And I'm also keeping copies of all letters sent. I'll keep you posted.

Thanks again pal

Agree with all of the above. Small steps. Best of luck!