[Solved] Lost Father and Bizarre Situation

Hey there fellow dads,

I'm writing this post because I could really use some insight and suggestions on what to do with my current situation. I have scoured the internet and could not find many cases like mine, so I'm hoping anyone can offer me advice.

My story: (Sorry if it's too long, but I figure that the details will help in analyzing)
I met my ex-girlfriend a little over two years ago at my job (she was a customer and asked me out) and we were both crazy in love for each other. She lived two hours away from me, but we were both willing to make the commute to see each other and would alternate visiting. She lived with her mother (She's 30 now) and I lived with my family (I'm 34 now). She was funny, sweet, beautiful, intelligent and trustworthy, which I valued a lot since I had been cheated on a couple times in previous relationships. I never got jealous and I learned to trust her, which was so refreshing from my past experiences with other women. We were the perfect couple in many peoples' eyes.

After a few dates, she admitted to me via text that she had some sort of cold sore problem on her lips from her aunt kissing her on the lips as a baby, which could potentially be contagious if we kissed when breakouts occurred and she wanted me to know the truth. It wasn't contagious as long as we didn't kiss when she had breakouts (it happened 2 or 3 times during the entire course of the relationship, usually for about a week each time it happened). I chose to stay and appreciated her honesty and figured not kissing for a week or so occasionally isn't the end of the world. I embraced her for who she was.

For the first 9 months, we'd visit and stay the night at each other's respective homes every few days. I had a great relationship with her mom (my ex is estranged from her father and older sister, and she was estranged from her brother for the first year we dated) and she had a great relationship with my family. We never argued and if there was any disagreement, we'd talk and get it resolved as our motto was "to never go to bed angry at one another." We both would have done anything for one another. I trusted her and she trusted me, and to my knowledge, we were both faithful the entire time.

Three months into the relationship, she ended up getting pregnant, but sadly, she miscarried (ectopic pregnancy) and the gynecologist said that she would most likely never have children because of the ectopic and because the other tube was blocked. I chose to stay with her despite the possibility of never having children. She took it hard and I stayed with her even though I was sad that I might never have kids (I always wanted them at some point). I loved her and would have stood by her side for anything.

Fast forward 9 months into the relationship (which was still perfect) and her and her mother moved much closer to where we met. It was 25 minutes from my job and now only an hour drive to each others houses. I helped her and her mom move with one of my brothers and I was so happy that she was going to be more local. It made the commute much easier for us both. Around the same time, we decided that we wanted to live together and looked for apartments, but couldn't find one that we were both happy with. Coincidentally, her mother told her about local homes a couple blocks away from her mom's house that were in foreclosure. My ex had a pretty good job and she decided to purchase a home in her own name. It was her decision and I supported it. The house needed a lot of work, but I am very handy and was able to help her fix the house up. She bought the home in January of 2019, but we still visited and lived at our parents homes until the house was ready. I invested $5-6K in materials and did about 200 hours in labor on the home, which included re-doing the entire stairway system, replaced all of the floors, fixed holes, replaced appliances and a whole slew of other improvements.

As luck would have it, she got pregnant again (I was so happy) in March/April of 2019. When she told me, I was thrilled and really started thinking that she was the one I'd marry. Around the same time though, she stopped coming to my parent's house because she was concerned about the pregnancy with third hand smoke from indoor smoking. I was bummed, but understood and made the extra effort to visit her since she got pregnant (as she was high risk). We still had a great relationship though despite this pitfall and I just stayed at her mom's house more often.

I finished the majority of the home improvements in September of 2019 and that's when we decided to move in together. During the first two months, I finished the floor work downstairs and just in time for the baby shower she was hosting at the house in early November of 2019. The morning of the baby shower, her mother sends me a pretty nasty text about my brother bringing his puppy over. My brother only asked because no one else could watch the dog that day. (My brothers and I were going to go out and do something while the ladies had the baby shower). I didn't argue with her mom and had my brother leave his dog at home. I texted her mom back politely and said the dog isn't coming, sorry if I made you upset. Her mother is allergic to pets, which I forgot about since it's not something that was discussed much, but she didn't have to be nasty about it. Keep in mind that her mother and I had a seemingly great relationship with no issues ever. I was upset that her mom was acting that way and I said to my ex that I was thrown off by how her mom reacted when she found out the dog was coming. My ex got mad at me and said "That's my mother, don't be upset at her!" After that, I didn't really want to argue, so I left to go get ice for the party and to cool off (I didn't freak out or anything, but was angry inside). I got back home with the ice and we made amends and had a great baby shower. My family brought over $2K worth of baby supplies and her small family and limited friends didn't contribute nearly as much (I didn't care, but it's important to know).

During the last month of her pregnancy, she was very stressed over going into labor, so I stayed home. I luckily was off for my regular seasonal job and got a gig redesigning a famous musician's website, so being at home was great so I could make money and spend time with my love.

Now, as a side note, it's important to know that her mother had a horrible divorce/custody battle with my ex's father, whom I never met (I always wanted to meet him, but she said it wouldn't happen as my ex's mom moved, changed last names, phone numbers, etc after the divorce/custody case). My ex's sister (my age) claimed to have terminal cancer around the time my ex bought the house in January of 2019, where she was able to reconnect with her estranged brother. Turns out the cancer was a weird hoax, but it helped my ex get her brother back into her life, which I always told her she should do as family is important. After the hoax, my ex resumed to being estranged from her sister, but her brother and her reconnected.

Going back to the last month of pregnancy, she was strict with my family and texted them that if they smoked, they had to change clothes, must wash hands when seeing the baby, couldn't drink around the baby, etc. or they wouldn't see the baby "PERIOD." I was included in the group chat and was upset because my family already verbally agreed with her terms. My family never did anything to her and I think my ex didn't like my father because she witnessed him and I verbally fighting and him telling me to leave the house a few times the past year and a half. My dad and I love one another, but would argue as we worked together during the seasonal job. My ex's mother knew the issues I sometimes had with my dad and started to dislike my father. I feel like she projected her divorce onto him in my opinion, which in hindsight is probably part of the reason why she stopped coming to my family's house when she got pregnant. My ex and I had an argument (no yelling or abuse, just slightly heated) because while I agreed with her points, she didn't have to text my family in such a "mean" way. Her text reminded me of the one her mother sent about the dog in November because some of the wording was very similar ("This is the way it's going to be, PERIOD"). I asked how she'd feel if I texted her family that and she said they didn't do anything, but neither did my family. My family was upset about it, but didn't fight or give us a hard time. We got over that incident quickly and then she went into labor in mid-December. I drove her to the hospital and am listed as the baby's father on the birth certificate. Overall, everything was fine during the hospital visit. My family didn't visit when we were at the hospital, but that's because every single one of them got really sick (bad flu's) and didn't want to jeopardize our daughter's immune system, so they opted to wait to meet our daughter until later. I was sad, but understood and grateful that they put the baby first.

We get discharged from the maternity ward and go home a couple days later. I ended up taking the baby to the pediatrician with her because our daughter developed minor jaundice and had an anterior tongue tie (both relatively minor and fixed). After we get the baby back to normal, I go out to buy all of the groceries, baby supplies and whatever else my ex needed so that she could heal at home. I paid my fair share of the mortgage, utility bills, helped buy furniture and helped out at home. I watched our baby half the night, every night, and did whatever I could to help my ex with our child (I wanted to do those things because I loved her and our baby).

Christmas comes and since my family is still sick, my family decided to postpone our Christmas party until New Years Day. My ex and I ended up taking the baby to her mom's house for Christmas, which I was fine with and supported because I wanted our daughter to bond with both sides of the family. At the party, I noticed that my ex's mom didn't take any pictures of me holding the baby, but she did of everyone else (my ex, her aunt, her brother and his wife). I was hurt, but didn't bring it up to her and still haven't. Also, photos of us and the baby came in the mail from a photographer I hired at the hospital and my ex's mother didn't take any of the one's with just me and the baby. She said that she's sure my family would want them. I was sad inside and hurt, but just thanked her and said that was "thoughtful."

The day before New Year's Eve comes and my family still hasn't met our daughter. They are all better from their flus, but wanted us all to come to their house to spend the holiday on New Years. They were all excited and really looking forward to meeting our child. The day before the party, I was out buying diapers, nursing clothing for my ex and returning a uniform my ex had to send back to her job as it was the wrong size . On my way home, I talk to my family on the phone and they ask if we're coming to the party. My family was upset because she had said that she would rather have the Christmas party at our new home (via text earlier that day), and didn't want to go there due to the baby being a newborn, but they had already set up for the party and were upset that my ex was giving me a hard time about it. I then called my ex and asked about the party and suggested we go.

Sadly though, my ex was not having that or permitting even just me to take the baby, even after me being open and honest about why isn't so important to me in a very soft way. She said she didn't want the baby to be near my dad, even though he never did anything or said anything mean directly to her. He included her in some texts directed at me, which were putting me down, but were not directed to her. I said that we'll leave if anything happens, but her answer was still no. My dad wouldn't do anything harmful, but I partially suspect her mother may have pushed her not to come over because she most likely knew about his texts and did know that I'd have to stay at her house on occasion when my dad was upset with me. I feel like she projected her bitter divorce/custody battle onto my father. This is just a gut feeling and I could be wrong though. After trying to be "nice" about it on the phone, I raised my voice and told her that it's messed up what she is doing. I ended up not getting dinner and just went home.

Then, once I got home, we discussed it again. Despite the excuse about not going because of my father, she said that the drive was too far and bumpy for the newborn even though we have a top of the line car seat. Then, she brought up the smoke and bad smell from pets, even though my family had stopped smoking inside for months and the house didn't smell. It was excuse after excuse for why we can't go, and I even said that it's not right that the baby could go to her mom's house for Christmas, but not my family's house, especially since they haven't met our daughter and her mom can come over anytime as she lived one minute from us. My ex's rebuttal for why it was okay for her family's Christmas party was that it's only a couple blocks away, but that's just not acceptable and ridiculous in my opinion. I asked her how she'd feel if I tried to prevent her family from spending time with our baby, which she just pretty much ignored.

When I got home from the returning of her uniform and buying baby supplies errands, and after the phone heated call, we got into an argument because I was upset that she was preventing my family to meet and bond with the baby. I caught her fidgeting with her phone mid argument and she was recording the fight. She admitted it to me and I admit that I yelled and said some not nice things, but I was frustrated that she could be so callous. I ended up calming down and left for a couple hours to cool off and got her flowers and decided that I'd compromise and not bring the baby yet. When I got home, she had the baby in our bedroom with the door locked. I knocked and she said that she "didn't know the condition I'd be in when I returned." Keep in mind that I don't drink alcohol and don't have a drug problem. I've never hit her or threatened her either, as I think that's just plain not right. I was upset about it, but decided to just go downstairs and work on the computer.

New Years comes and I go to my family's party alone. They were sad, but accepted it and I left a few hours later. The following day, my family drives an hour to our house to meet the baby on January 2nd. My family didn't say anything bad to her when they visited (despite being a little upset) and they all enjoyed meeting their first niece/granddaughter.

The next week is fine overall, but I start to notice that my ex isn't texting/calling/cooking food for me or doing things to show she cares about me nearly as much. I assumed it was just because of being tired from lack of sleep with the baby and being cramped at home since the baby's birth. We still messed around a little sexually and she did text/call me in loving ways sometimes, but not nearly as frequent. One day, I come downstairs and she doesn't really acknowledge me for 15 minutes after I greeted her good morning. I realized something was off and I brought up my observations because I wanted to make sure that she was happy. It ended up turning into a fight and I yelled, said mean stuff and even suggested we go get her some medical help because it's just so weird that she won't let me family be a part of our daughter's life. I was angry that her mom could come by on a daily basis, yet my family could not. I calm down finally after a brief outburst and she tells me to get out of the house and that she wants to be separated. I apologize and try to explain my position nicely again, but she wasn't having it. I ended up accepting her wish and began packing a couple bags so that I could go to my parent's house to cool off for a couple days.

I don't hear from her for two days and I called her to talk. She didn't answer so then I texted her that I miss her and that we should see a counselor to resolve these issues, but she just responds back saying that it's not going to work out between us and to get my stuff out on a few different random days. I let it go for the night and decide she just needs time to cool off. A day or two later, I mail her diapers and cat food for the baby and for my cat that was at her house. She responds the following day after I mail it saying thank you and that I need to move out on one of three different days. I suggest counseling again, but she says it won't work because of the yelling/insults, among other things (she didn't say what the other things were). I tell her that I'm sorry she feels that way and end up staying with my parents for a few more days because I figured she was just mad. Since I left, I had called once and she ignored it and didn't call back. I didn't stalk or text her begging to be together. I just accepted it and figured it's best to let her cool off, but she later texted me I had to get my cat and some stuff. Keep in mind we only ever had a couple recent arguments and I never hurt her or didn't do my fair share of work and paying bills. I was shocked and just thrown off.

When I went back exactly a week later to "get my cat and clothes," her mother is over the house and some of my stuff from upstairs is by the door. I also noticed that her mom must have bought my ex a new TV and internet router (As the TV and router were mine from previously). I was heartbroken and realized that this is serious and for real. I couldn't understand why this was happening and couldn't think of any reason why I deserved this. We were civil and I ended up taking some clothing and my cat. I was angry (I didn't yell or fight), but more so hurt at the time because I did everything for my ex and I had a good relationship with her mom overall. The following week, she insists I move out, so I move out on a Saturday a week after I got the cat and clothes.

Since then, she only text me a few times about scheduling for me to visit the baby on such and such days/times and her mother has since been at the house every single time I visit our child. My ex is cold and distant towards me every time I visit and I just put on a fake smile acting like I'm okay. My priority is my daughter, despite being heartbroken, and just do whatever I can to be a good father. I was hoping that my ex and I could reconcile, but I don't think that's happening anymore at this point, and I'm so hurt and angry about how she has treated me. I feel like her and/or her mom think I'd do something bad, which is probably why my ex's mother is there every time.

I have bought diapers and clothing for our fast growing baby on different visits, made a check today (Feb. 1, 2020) to my ex for child support (even though there's no court order) and have not discussed our relationship at all since I moved out. On one of the earlier visits, I tell my ex and her mother that I am sad that this is happening and not what I wanted. Since my ex didn't want to try counceling, I told her that I'd accept her desire to separate with her mother in the room. Her mom didn't say anything, but I truly feel that she looks at me differently for whatever reason and is trying to impede on my ex and I reconciling. I feel like they see me as a peice of garbage now, when I have done nothing to deserve this. I yelled at her two or three times, but that was only because she was keeping the baby from my family. I apologized for yelling, but my ex made no mention of being sorry for preventing my family from spending time with our daughter.

I am trying to be positive and happy for our sweet baby girl, but feel so lost and confused. We had the perfect relationship and it's just hard to believe that a couple fights would end it so abruptly. I feel used and know that I have to move forward and focus on the baby, but I'm just upset because I spent so much time working on the house, paying bills, helping watch the baby as much as possible while working from home, going to graduate school and doing everything to support my family. I even have a $6K ring that I bought because I wanted to propose to her. I filed for joint custody and visitation last week and she hasn't gotten the notice to my knowledge (I feel like they would have said something when I visit our daughter).

I'm still waiting for the court date and have since been looking for family attorneys, I signed up for anger management (even though I feel as if I don't have anger issues, I was just upset because of restricting my family) and am on track for graduating this May 2020 in the top 5% of my class. I feel lost and want to know what everyone thinks if you made it this far (Sorry this post is so long). I have no idea what is going to happen and I am heartbroken, upset and lost. I just think that the situation is bizarre and would really love some input/advice.

Thanks for reading and know that I am truly dedicated to my daughter no matter what happens. I feel like it's truly over and feel like my right to be a father was stolen from me. I feel like I'm going to be more of a "visiting uncle" that my daughter's father. For the time being, I'm leaving my ex alone and am just focused on the baby. This hurts and could use some help!