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Hi
I'm new to the forum. Looks like a good place to get some advise and read some heartening stories.
Not sure if I'm looking for advise or just to rant a little but here goes...
I split from my ex about 1.5 years ago. It was a very amicable split, no-one else involved, just the love had gone. We have a beautiful 7 yr old girl together. I moved out and into a rented flat where I still am. The ex stayed in the house and I pay well over the odds in maintenance to cover her morguage (£500 twice as much as i need to) to allow her and my daughter to stay in the house. We remained close, not physical of course. But friends. I see my daughter on Wednesday evenings and every other weekend. I really wanted more access but my ex always said it would affect her benefits if I had any extra nights with her and she would have to sell up and move 300 miles away.
Anyway, fast forward to about 4 weeks ago. I get a text message from my ex saying that she is seeing someone and has just had a 'playdate' with her new boyfriend and our daughter plus his daughter. This put me in a spin. I had no idea she was seeing someone and the thought of playing happy families with my daughter just made me feel sick. I asked her about ity a few days later and she told me it was a guy she had only met 4 weeks earlier, that she didnt think introducing him and his daughter was too soon, it was none of my business and to basically [censored] out.
I looked at our separation and thought to be safe i had better make my visitation more official as nothing was written or agreed. So I approached mediation. It was during my initial session that I was told that my ex's benefits were not affected by more access. That if she was to attempt to move away there were orders I could put into place. Loads of food for thought basically.
Anyway,two weeks ago I came to take to my daughter to school on the Monday morning and she was kinda cowering away from me. She didnt want to talk or even look at me. I asked her what was wrong and it all came out that the new boyfrined had stayed the weekend. That mummy had told her he was now her partner and that she wasnt allowed to tell me and now she was going to get into trouble. Of course I reassured her that everything was going to be ok.
I was furious. So hurt. I have no idea what to say. What to do. Basically I have been doing my visitation, Wednesday eves and my weekend last weekend but am not talking to the ex and its really really uncomfortable.
I feel like I need to walk away from our friendship. Get what I can (increased access), to pay less maintenance to a reasonable level (although this would potentially force my girlfrind out the house??)
Lost, confused, hurt, please help??
Hi and welcome to the forum
I have edited your post to remove names and places that could identify you as we are a public forum.
If your ex is agreeable to attending mediation then you can discuss all of the issues of contact and finance together there although any agreements are not legally binding.. If mediation is not successful, you can indeed apply to court to have contact arrangements formalised and for a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent her moving. Finances are not usually dealt with in family court unless it is to make decisions about large sums of money and property and these are dealt with in separate proceedings.
Unfortunately, the appearance of new partners can often unsettle things. Maybe a positive to consider is that if her new relationship is going to go the distance, she is less likely to want to move away.
Reducing the money you pay might cause issues with contact and the relationship between you and your ex but try to discuss these at mediation.
Here is a link to the CMO calculator which will tell you how much you should actually be paying.
https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance
Good luck with it all and keep posting and we will try to help where we can.
Ideally, you need to speak to your ex - she may be feeling that it's difficult to talk to you also because she thought you'd react badly. If you can manage to talk through a solution, it's going to be much better for your daughter, and hopefully also for you and your ex.
Im no expert and despise the fool that my ex is with purely on the basis since he has been on the scene her games have become even more destructive (read my holiday story).
So from this point of view try and meet him and see if you can get on with him will make things easier in the long run, you've a right to know who is staying under the same roof as your kid.
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