Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
I need help and maybe just a space to vent - And I want some advice from fathers.
I'm not a dad, I'm a mum. I'm all for Rights for deserving dads but where are the rights for mums?
I don't want to start on a negative nor for people to get defensive but I feel that it has been so heavily campaigned in the last few years about rights for dad and how the system was failing them, but what about mums?
I want to tell you my story/ current situation and I welcome your advice because I'm slowly loosing the will to fight anymore.
I have a beautiful incredibly smart but emotionally challenged six year old boy.
I come from a good family, a nice larger than average family home two proud working parents. I fell pregnant with my partner of several years, he had been controlling, verbally abusive and on many occasions overly aggressive and often violent but I saw glimpses of hope over the years and had thought it might one day take the right direction and never go back. This wasn't the case at 8 months pregnant we had just got our new flat and as I stood and painted the nursery with just the light of a heat lamp (I couldn't reach to put in a bulb) my partner was yet to turn up for the 3rd night in a row I received a call on my mobile from a guy whos speech was slurring and mumbling - he told me he was sorry but he had just been (we will call him Rob) and he had taken an unintentional heroin overdose and I needed to get to hospital. This was the start of rapid declining story, baby was born the habit continued. I fought long and hard to make it work, I attended counselling sessions with Rob paid for a rehab stint everything you could think of it just didn't make a difference he was never around stole money from me repeatedly. Sold my baby milk to another couple just to get some cash leaving me and the baby with nothing, he frequently stole my car as I slept and things quickly spiralled, would frequently sell the belongings of my home. The final straw was a night I was at home with a friend when there was a loud crash through my front door, it was the police raiding my home as they believed it was full of stolen goods and cash. They lifted my sleeping son from his bed to search under his mattress before rummaging through my underwear draw, thankfully they didn't find anything they were looking for but did find 2 crack pipes hidden behind the pipes in my sink cupboard and a bag of needles on the top shelf in his wardrobe. This was the final straw and I removed Robs stuff from my home made him fully aware of the situation and that was the last I saw him for the next 10 months.
Over the next 8 months Rob dipped in and out of our lives usually begging for money - breaking into my home whilst I was at work and bleaching all of my belongings whilst shredding my clothes because I wouldn't give him £20.
life got pretty unbearable, and threats to my life were a weekly occurrence, my son and I ended up moving in with my parents just so I could sleep at night.
I met my current partner when my son turned just 3, up to this point (We will call my son Charlie) Charlie had suffered major separation anxiety from myself and started to show tendencies of a child with mild autism . They hit it off like a house on fire - finally Charlie had someone in his life that was regular - there everyday and for once there was someone in our lives who's ultimate goal was to make us both happy. Six months later we moved in with my partner and life was good, 4 months after this Charlie started to call my partner dad and a year later our child was born. Charlie was intermittently seeing Rob but only when his girlfriend of the time was also around. Charlie started coming home more and more upset after every brief visit and one day after his 4th birthday he asked me why Rob used needles. This was the final straw for us and after I had finally seen the way we should have been getting treated I stopped all contact with Rob, I continued to maintain visits between Charlie and his paternal family for a further 4 months until I was made aware that they were letting Rob take him in those times even though we had agreed previously this wasn't Ok,
We saw nothing of anyone for 2 years until we were taken to court by the grandparents for visitation rights. We fought until we were blue in the face to stop the visits but the judge granted them monthly visits for a day at a time claiming it is important for him to know his bloodline. These are the same grandparents that couldn't be bothered with him for the first 5 1/2 years and saw him 3 times a year for a couple of hours at a time if I forced the visits, watched there son beat me and steal from me. I had a handful of times asked them for some help financially to buy nappies, milk ect. Always rejecting me - as a result I took a second job in the evenings as well as my full time job just so we could afford heating.
Rob has now applied to the court to See Charlie even though he has a criminal record that was recently disclosed to me that contained 52 different convictions mainly for violence and buglary. Charlie knows the truth about everything we have always been very open but impartial on all the facts from his life so far. He genuinely dislikes this family and cannot bare the thought to be away from me and his sibling. The judge told me I have no option and the father will always be granted rights to see there children. But where do my rights come in? I gave birth to this child and have raised him for the whole 6 years of my life but I cannot do anything to protect him? How can this be? I don't know whether I was just incredibly naive but I honestly believed being Charlies mother I would always be the one to make the decisions as to what was best - but it appears the government actually owns my child.
The police had fitted emergency response alarms in our home and I had to carry an alarm with me at all times they were that concerned for mine and my sons safety but now the courts will hand him over to the same man?
It's so far cost me £8,000 to get through court with probably the same amount yet to come, but it appears there is nothing I can do? If I don't take him to the meetings I will be punished? But what do you do when you genuinely fear for your childs happiness, safety and well being? How can I have fought against this man for so many years due to his drug abusive and violence then rollover and take my child to see him?
I'm lost, please help me.
Hi
Firstly, it is probably worth pointing out that this section of the forum is where people can offer/ask for help and assistance to those that may need help navigating the legal system. Although some users may be affiliated with "campaign groups" - and I'm sure we all have our views about the current legislation and Family Justice process - this forum is mainly concerned with help and advice regarding the legal system as we have now - today . I also don't think it particularly matters if you are a mum or dad - there a many "partners of fathers" who post for assistance.
Legal matters relating to child arrangements (in England and Wales) - do not recognise "parental rights". Parents do not have "rights" as such - they have obligations, duties and responsibilities. This is a very common misconception about the legal process concerning child arrangements.
While this may sound weird - part of the reasoning is that the Court/legal process is not a magic solution to the complex and often emotional situation of child arrangements when a family unit breaks up. As a result - the Court (legal process) focusses on the rights of the child - and everything else is secondary to this.
I am not suggesting this is "right" or "the right/best approach". I am only explaining how the current situation operates. I hope you can then better understand why Courts, in following the law, make some of the decisions they do - and for your situation in particular.
In summary (very short summary) - the parent-child relationship is a right of the child and a responsibility of the parent. When one parent acts to "interfere" with the other parents parenting (such as hindering the formation of a relationship between the child and the other parent) - in the Court's eyes one parent was actually prohibited from carrying out their responsibilities to the child - and more importantly - the child's rights were not respected.
You mention the child's happiness, safety and well-being. Courts recognise that much harm can be done to children if they grow up believing one parent to be "bad for them" and one parent to be "good for them". Ultimately, a child is half of one parent and half of the other - and so they may develop a damaged sense of self: i.e. half of them is bad, too. Of course in situations where the child is in grave and immediate danger - you do have a responsibility to act. But "disliking" another person because he/she was not the best partner does not necessarily qualify.
It is very difficult to separate emotions - but while your ex partner may have been "not a very good partner to you" - has he/she harmed the child? Why should it be a mother's right to determine if a child should have a relationship with the other parent?
Sorry to be so blunt - but this is "netmums" reasoning (many posts on netmums follow the same logic): where a false premise is developed illogically to a conclusion that sounds reasonable - but is in fact not.
The crux of the issue is that a child has rights - he or she is not some inanimate object. They are not a "belonging" loaned out to the other parent at weekends and school holidays. Courts are only interested in the rights and welfare of the child and the parents' ability to meet those responsibilities. As such, consideration of mothers or fathers rights is missing the point and aim of the Court process, in the first instance.
HI There,
.
From your view point you have seen everything this man has done and how he has treated you, and that makes you very biased (understandably) towards you ex.
.
In umungst the above post which is quite in depth are some strong points, firstly your child is the one with rights, he has a right to have a relationship with his father, the way that the courts have changed the process and made things better for fathers is by focusing the rights of a relationship of the child with both parents which in effect is the best way to look at things, a child has a right to have both parents (and extended families) in thier lives.
.
I can understand your concerns with how your ex has acted and his past, but your child still has a right to a relationship with him.
.
The courts have a responsibility to protect your child, and I would expect that there would be an order that any contact would take place at a contact centre between your child and his father, where he could be observed throughout, this may be for a short term to gauge how your ex is, or it could be all the courts are willing to give your ex.
.
I feeel for you and what you have been through, but it doesn't change the fact that no matter how bad a partner your ex was to you your son still has a right to a relationship with him.
.
GTTS
Hi there
My son has residence of my grandson, drink, drugs and neglect from the mother were the reason for this. It's understandable that the parent picking up the pieces wants to protect the child from harm and shield him or her from the actions of the other parent, but as has been said, the child has a right to explore a relationship with that parent. In some cases the courts will feel that the risk of harm to the child is such that contact can't be allowed, in that case indirect contact can be what's decided.
I'd just like to add that when my son was awarded residency, contact still continued with the mother, it was a scary time as we knew that she hadn't changed and on a couple of occasions my son stopped contact to protect his child, he kept a vigilant eye on the situation and acted when he felt it necessary..... after that the mothers house was raided by police and a cannabis farm was found in the bedroom that my grandson used to use, the court still didn't want contact to stop! But it was reduced to a few hours a week with no overnights. We weathered the storm, because at the heart of we knew that there was love there and we didn't want to come between a mother a child. Today, five years later, she has settled down, their relationship isn't an easy one, he sees her every week but rarely sleeps over.... his choice. If their relationship breaks down again in the future it won't be because we haven't tried or because we obstructed it.
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.