[Solved] I MISS MY KIDS SO MUCH

Hey Yoda,

Cheers, well, she was totally against me in the S7 report, however nice she was to my face, when she interviewed me for 3 hours.
The thing is, there isn't anything else I can do, apart from this course, and she has suggested that regardless of the course, maybe its best if the kids don't see me.
I can't see why she would say that, if it wasn't she wanted. I will obviously fight it, if she recommends that I do not have anything more than indirect contact, via cards and letters etc.

I appreciate your support, and Slims, and the other guys.

S74

Hi Scott I'm a bit confused, you mention CAFCASS were against you in the S7 but then you say 'if she recommends'? Has the S7 been completed and filed with court yet? Is the indirect contact an interim order? Just to clarify, there is a S2 safeguarding letter provided to the court at the start of proceedings and then sometimes a S7 more detailed report can be ordered by the court, which usually takes about 3 months.

Hi Yoda,

At the start, months ago, I had a different CAFCASS caseworker, who interviewed me over the phone.
When her Safeguarding Letter was finished, it was fair and suggested/recommended that I be aloud to see the children, supervised, at
a contact centre in the interim, whilst things continue with the court etc.

I was pleased with this report, but when I got to the Hearing, there was a CAFCASS man at court, and he spoke to me in a room, alone, as
I no longer had my Barrister with me. He asked me what I thought of the Safeguarding Letter, and when I told him, he told me that he was
against what had been suggested/recommended, and that he would be advising the Court against me having contact at that time.

When we got into court, he told the Judge that CAFCASS recommended that I attend a DVPP, and that we come back after I had been on
the course for a while. In the meantime, I could only send appropriate cards and letters to my kids, at the cost of £40 per time. Apparently,
it cost that much for the Applicants Solicitor to forward them on(which simply meant phoning or emailing my ex, to come in and collect
what I had left, on her way home from work most likely).

So, I then find out that I have a New Caseworker. After 5 months, and no one has even met up with me, though all these allegations have been
made, she finally gets round to seeing me. She interviews me for 3 hours, and she has already interviewed my ex, and my two children.
I am totally honest with her, and she seems understanding. She suggests to conclude, that the problems and physical situations were a result
of both me, and my ex, to which I agree. I explain how I was treated by her, and how I reacted, and that I regret ever swearinf at my kids etc..but
I really was under extreme duress from my ex. She shows empathy, and we move on. She tells me that my son has said some harsh things about me,
and I brace myself for what I am about to here. She tells me he said I made him eat sick, and I explain that the reality was very different, and she
showed me that she understood, and I had clarified the story. Basically, we then discussed how this was all part of the Brainwashing that his mother
was doing to him and his sister. The CAFCASS lady then assured me that if it were true that the kids were being brainwashed by her, then this would
be taken into consideration. She said that I needed to go on the DVPP, and that by going on it, I was doing what the court would want, and it wasn't
an admission that it was all my fault.

Before we parted, we laughed and discussed my kids, and we looked at photos of them. She told me "I can make your daughter see you, I can put her
in a car and drive her to a contact centre". She seemed to be telling me that I would see my daughter, but because of my sons age, they could not
do much about him not wanting to see me. I didn't like the idea of my daughter being made to see me, but I believe she was simply trying to assure
me that CAFCASS could arrange for her to see me, subject to me doing the DVPP etc..

So, the S7 is completed and I get a copy, as does court, and my ex. My interview is not mentioned at all. There is lots more that the children have said
about me that is very negative, and clearly the words of my ex. On reading the report, I am aware that I sound terrible, dangerous, cruel, unloving.
At the end, she concludes that perhaps it might be that it is in the best interests of the children if they do not see their Dad directly, as they have been
so affected by what they have experienced(at my hands alone), that seeing me could actually do more harm, and out weigh the benefits of then having
contact with their Dad. It then said that this should not put me off completing the 6 month DVPP, and that I still had a role in the childrens lives, and that
was to keep indirect contact going via appropriate cards and letters through the Applicants Solicitor, at £40 a time.

I have since got myself another Barrister, as I have raised the funds. We went to the Dispute Resolution Hearing on September 30th, and this was adjourned
until January 2017, as I had not started the course properly by that time(through no fault of my own).
My Barrister was able to get the Judge to stop me paying £40 to send cards etc to my kids, but apart from that, he was totally on the Applicants side.
It was agreed(at that time), that A Finding of Fact Hearing was not needed(as I had admitted to some things, like swearing etc). My Barrister did tell me
however, that my ex could still ask for a Finding of Fact Hearing, later on.

So, in January, we have the Dispute Resolution Hearing(that was adjourned 3 months earlier, to allow me to have attended the DVPP for half its duration),
so the court can then see how I have responded etc. Myself and my ex also, must attend a Separated Parents Course, for half a day. We will both have done
this by the time we go to the next hearing. Then there is the Final Hearing, but my Barrister said theres the possibility of another hearing before this, it
depends on my ex really. I now send weekly cards to my kids via a friend of my ex, and I don't know if the kids have received them, as no one tells me.
Only if CAFCASS were to see the kids, would they be able to find out, and I do not believe they have any plans to see them before January. Sadly, my son
has a birthday in December, and I will have to send presents etc.to this friend of my ex, and just hope that they get them, but I just don't know.
It is also quite possible that my kids are so full of hate for me, that they themselves, choose to discard my cards and presents, as their mother has them
believing I left them for Another Woman. This is not true, but you can then imagine how they view anything from me. My kids have even said(in the S7), that
they do not believe I write the cards to them, and my daughter said that "He used to steal things for his girlfriend"!

The CAFCASS lady has put it out there, to my ex, and to the court, that perhaps the kids will be messed up if they see me in person. Surely then, her Solicitor
is gonna hold on to this, and my ex is gonna no doubt, over the next 3 months, be saying that the kids are having nightmares, wetting the bed etc..just so
the court goes with this suggestion. To me, it looks like I don't have a hope.I know the courts decide, and its their decision, but they usually go with what CAFCASS
recommend, and they have so far.

Best Wishes, S74

Hey Scott,

I've been in the system for almost 18 months now.

My story started with the ex walking out with my four-month-old twins. I didn't see them for six months - until they were 10 months old.

She told the police, cafcass and the court and anyone else who would listen that I didn't have the capacity to look after the children and that I had spent our entire relationship controlling her. Of course, the real truth was a very different matter. None of what she was saying was true.

The Court have an obligation to your children. Not to you and not to your ex.

It sounds to me like you've done some things you're not proud of and you've been honest about them. Hence the DV course. Stick with that, learn from it. It will give you something to put in front of a judge to say "look this is me, this is what I've learned".

I've been lucky with CAFCASS although, the first S7 I had was riddled with lies from the ex. This confused the court and hurt me like you wouldn't believe.

If I were you, I would try to force a Fact Find - right now they are focussing on your bad points, turn this around and establish that not all of the "facts" are true. These hearings are the perfect environment for the court to see who really is telling the truth.

I have my children overnight now twice weekly and there is more to come - it takes time.

Accept what you're given for now and, as harsh as this sounds Scott, give yourself a kick in the backside and STOP feeling sorry for yourself. Sure it's natural to be upset and understandable that you are on the floor but it's not going to help you or your children.

I often tell people they need to understand The Welfare Checklist and also Parental Responsibility - this would be a good starting place for you. The Court live and breathe The Welfare Checklist as it is soley focused on the needs of the children - not the parents.

This isn't the end Scott, it's just the start. That is, so long as you decide to stand up and fight for your children rather than allow yourself to become a victim of yet another mother who decides she is going to take her children and destroy the ex.

Rapists, murderers and all sorts have contact with their children. I'm not suggesting you are in that category but I am telling you that you have not lost your children. You're going through a nightmare, we can't change that. What you can change is how you deal with it and what your goals are.

One other tip I have for you is to eradicate any resentment or hatred you have for this woman. It will only get in your way. If you want to beat her, do it with dignity and whilst you are in a calm state. That way the victory will be permanent.

The guys here on the forum are experts at these cases - they have an "overall view" of thousands of cases. I've looked at hundreds of cases myself and by and large, yours is really not that different to many of them.

As for CAFCASS reports by the way, the judge in my case agreed with me and reversed the CAFCASS recommendations. These reports are not as cast in stone as people believe. Prove they are wrong, prove the children's best interests would be served another way and the judge will listen.

You can win, if you allow yourself to.

Hi JD, thanks for what you said.

I just hope against hope that the Judge will not go with any recommendation from CAFCASS or the Applicants Solicitor, for me to not have direct contact with the kids.
This whole thing is just a waiting game, and about going through the motions, and I am doing all I can, but in many ways it is because of what my kids believe about me, that gets me, as I can understand why they would have negative feelings towards me, considering what rubbish she has told them.

I write my cards to the kids, but I cant write anything other than stuff about school etc..and this will annoy the [censored] out of my son, who no doubt thinks I am taking the Michael out of him, sat with my girlfriend, rubbing his nose in it. It isn't true, and I just wish I could somehow get through to him, and my daughter, but I can't, I have to just let them think I am out partying every day, and as long as they think this, then I am fighting a losing battle. My ex, and her friend, are still vetting what I write, so I don't know if they might have even not aloud the kids to see them, who knows, not me.

I know that my Barrister will say that I have done the Course, and I am not a danger to the kids etc.and there is the Contact Centre in any case. I read what you mentioned, the Welfare Checklist, and I am sure that can be used AGAINST me to argue the kids should not see me. I know how all this has gone so far, and I just can't imagine that because I have gone on some course, the Court will decide, after 9-12 months, to let me start seeing my daughter. My son, due to his age and opinions, kind of being out of reach now, from what I have researched.
It would be nice to think that they do allow me to see my daughter etc..but for some reason, I have been treated like a Criminal, like a nut job, based on the word of my Ex, and not much more, and overnight, I have been wiped out of my childrens lives, after looking after them since they were 6 months old. I never, ever, thought this could happen, and now, the nearer I get to the end of this Circus, this Kangaroo Court, the more dread I am filled with, as I think that it will not go well, and they will
say that it is best for me not to see the kids, because it is too harmful to them. It is like everyone really believes that I am a dangerous, cruel, and nasty man, who doesn't deserve the right to be anywhere near his poor kids.

I am trying so hard to stay strong, and be positive, but what I am up against, is a Stereotype, and I am trying to be realistic in what I think may well happen, that's all.

S74

Hi'ya Scott,

Not much I can say, add or advise on the legal side of things for you mate - I lost all the trappings and financials when I divorced...the house, the cars, the pensions etc but I kept the kids as my ex left us - but what I would say is that in your situation, you've got to stay strong for the sake of your little ones!

One day - maybe not tomorrow or next week, but one day, they WILL want to know you fella - its human nature...

As has been said to you already, have a box for each of them and keep a diary - when you feel low or somethings on your mind, write it down so that they can read it when their older...all those special thoughts that you really want to say and want them to know, put it all down on paper - time & date it too...photo's of you as you move through life - for them to look back on and to build-up that picture of you - their dad and the life that they've been kept from seeing, being a part of and from sharing with you, photo's you've got of them that mean so much to you - keep them...they'll cherish them too one day!

Don't bad-mouth the ex - it'll make you look bitter and vindictive...honesty is a bitter pill to swallow some times, especially for children and young adults but put things down that matter to you and let them decide the truth for themselves - they'll LOVE you all the more for it in the end!

Keep your chin-up, keep fit,stay healthy and keep active for their sake - time really is a great healer sir.

Guy.

Hey Minor T,

I appreciate what you said, and like you and one of the other guys suggested, I will get some keep sake boxes for when I do see them.
I miss them so much mate, and I don't want to miss them anymore, its so wrong. I just hate that the one person they should be able to trust more than anyone, is the one person they cannot trust(their Mum), and when I do see them, I won't waste a single word on that woman, because she would want that.

It just feels like I'm doing nothing to see them, even though I am. I miss them every second of the day, and it kills me that they don't know this.

Cheers bro, S74

Keep 'ya chin up mate - IT WILL WORK OUT in the end!

Stay strong...

Regards - Guy.

I will try mate, have a good one, catch you later, S74