[Solved] I don't have any friends

Hello Headspace

I might have something to contribute on this. I come from a twisted family that played a lot of mind games - usually directed at me. Eventually I had enough and it was a case of either keep a distance or crack up. So I kept a distance and after a time something interesting happened: I got stronger and they all seemed to implode. It was as if they had stopped being able to feed on me for a kind of energy.

It was a lesson I learned to use in other contexts if people are giving you a hard time and my wife and I gave it a name: radio silence. But it must be total silence ie. they must get nothing to feed on. Nothing at all.

Sometimes the act of breaking causes drama and defeats the object. In this case I learned a strategy I call 'making smoke'. In the old days- as I understand it - if a warship ran into trouble against an enemy it could turn its smoke black and run away hidden by the smoke.

Similarly if I don't like a situation I will put up a kind of smokescreen and head toward the door. The intention is to get out and stay out but I put up the smoke in the hope that it won't be obvious straight away.

IMHO the only cure in your situation is Radio Silence stubbornly applied until she moves on to somebody else who will give her the feed she needs.
But the way to do it in the first instance is not to announce it - because she is alerted to it and play all sorts of games - but Make Smoke to cover your intentions as you slip out the door.

Yes - and it has dawned on me whilke writing this that my cow of a wife is using Radio Silence on me. I just hope that's all it is.

Thanks Dan

That sounds like a really good way of dealing with mind games and I'm glad it works for you.

As for me, I agree with what some guys have suggested and cut off contact.
It now seems that she has got the upper hand, by stating a lot that we are just friends and nothing else, yet I still get routine phone calls and messages. The problem with this is its all on her terms when she sends them, but if I don't reply I get an earful.
Yesterday, I backed out of a wedding that I was to attend with her at the last minute; ok, it annoyed her like I thought it would and I apologised, and after a row on the phone she then sent messages from the wedding trying to cheer me up.
She messaged me asking if I would come to the evening function and at the last minute I drove the 15 miles so as to show my face.
She mostly ignored me, put me down and made me feel like an idiot. I was in a good mood and made everyone laugh at our table and she told me I'm embarrassing.
But the confusing thing was, I drove her home as she was going to ask a family member and when I got home after dropping her off, she messaged me a few times and she was just having a bit of banter with me and admitted I was hilarious and not embarrassing!!
I have to find the strength to let this girl go and I just don't know what's making me keep hold of her as she is not nice to me mostly and we're not even together now .

Hi Headspace

'Radio Silence' is a clean break but the trouble with mobile phones is you're always on call. Is there a way it can 'go wrong' or get broken for a few days? Maybe get the number changed?

If you're anything like me it's possible that the thing that's keeping you with this person is fear of having nobody or nothing if she goes. But there must come a point where nothing is the better option.

This is my situation. I have just turned up in a new town and don't know anybody. It looks like I am losing my wife and children. I have no extended family and no friends. It could be I lose a majority of the savings and pension I have spent most of my life building up.

That's possibly a good description of nothing but it's better than being tied to somebody like that headcase of yours.

Have you noticed the irony that you call yourself 'Headspace' but she doesn't let you get any?

Morning friends

Last night whilst at work I let my phone battery die and I have yet to charge it up.
This is my way of making a clean break and having no communication, but at the moment I'm enjoying not wondering if my ex girlfriend is going to message or call which puts me right back to neediness!
I wil need to charge my phone up at some stage, mainly so I can communicate with my ex wife for our daughter, but I already know the plans for the next couple of days.
Unfortunately, I am working tonight and the ex girlfriend is also on shift, so I will hopefully be able to avoid her.

Headspace

That's a good first step, if she does try to confront you just cut her short and walk away, she'll soon get the message, hopefully!

H I Headspace

Good move with the battery - but working in the same job and sometimes shared shifts must make it incredibly difficult. Leaving aside this big difficulty did you mention she still has some of her stuff at your place? You can't keep your distance unless you get it out first or she always has an excuse to initiate contact. It might be worth getting all of it out one way or the other.

The other thing that might actually solve the problem is 'give them something else to think about.' This requires a certain amount of patience and/or cunning. Basically, can you make it so she latches on to somebody else? It might happen as a matter of course if you keep up the break for long enough and she needs to make somebody's life a misery - but is there anything you can think of to help things on a bit?

Dan

You can always block her number, so it will go through to voicemail when the phone is still switched on.

Morning my friends

Thought I would give an update on my current situation as I know some of you have been helping me out by reading my thread and commenting with some invaluable advice.

I did speak to my ex girlfriend over a week ago and told her finally that although I would love to be friends, whilst we're still currently communicating, albeit very occasionally, I was still having feelings for her. I told her that I want no communication, I was going to delete her number and I will block her on what's app. This was all amicably and communicated respectfully.
She did not want this to happen, but did recognise that I was struggling worse than her (she stated she still missed me), but I had to do what I needed to do.

So up until a couple of days a go, I'd not seen her for 2 weeks and there was no contact for over a week; I had a miserable time with this and missed the contact, but I knew going 'cold turkey' was the only way to begin the healing process. I even went up to Cumbria for three days to clear my head, but I just felt lonely and sad.

I saw her best friend at work a couple of days ago and just asked her how she was and she stated not good as she was having some personal problems. I asked her friend to message her saying hi from me and that I will contact her soon.
That night, my ex did message me and we exchanged a couple of messages which was nice and civil.
I saw her at work the next day and we had a hug and a long chat where she opened up about some of her problems. It was good seeing her and I felt ok about it.
Since then, we've resumed messaging a couple of times a day now and she even rang me yesterday for a 5 minute chat.
It's so nice that we can resume a friendship after not seeing her for 2 weeks and not talking for about 10 days, but I have began to feel a little attachment again, waiting for her messages and then overthinking when she hasn't messaged me.
On a plus though, I have recognised that I am going this way again, so I am using mindfulness and rational thinking to tell myself that we are just friends, nothing else and that we're not going to be contacting one another all the time like we did when we were together.
I'm not that sociable and don't have friends outside of work, but I have got a couple of numbers from friends and arranging a meet up. I have my books as I love reading and I workout regularly. So despite not having any company, I do try and occupy myself.
I think rather than cut off contact again, I am going to minimise the contact again, but this time not tell her. We're nothing more than good friends, but I still need to detach a little from her just until I can heal fully.
Also, seeing my ex-wife a couple of times this week has been emotional for both of us (we're good friends but even that still hurts).
I just need to be self compassionate and stay away from relationships until I am strong again. Counselling is helping through work, but I only get 6 sessions and they always miraculously say you're healed on the last one as I've used them a couple of times (nature of the job).

As the great Buddha says -"suffering is optional"

Headspace

Hi,

I go to counseling too - Every Thursday evening for an hour as of 2 weeks ago for 6 sessions. Ive also been going to Alanon ( Families of alcohol dependents ) for a few months and have found some benefit to both.

Ive recently separated from my alcoholic wife and I am at a loss at how to make new friends. I'm was sociable and normal with a fair amount of good friends, however over the years you settle into family life and go out less and less with your mates, go to the gym less and do all the other "stuff"less until you have a very tight circle consisting of mainly you, your wife and your children.

I know Ive become introverted due to dealing with her alcoholism, and that's made meeting new friends difficult. I know what to do in terms of joining clubs, starting a new hobby etc but am struggling to actually do it. I feel so lonely I don't know what to do or where to tun. When I actually look, most numbers on my phone are something to do with my children in terms of dancing, football or swimming - They are not friends but parents that briefly discuss who picks up and drops off.

I am in my forties, and have boxes of pictures from my youth before wives and children where ever dreamed of, with me doing all sorts of things with both close and distant friends. I never dreamed I would be all alone on a Saturday in November so lonely that it hurt.

Hello and thanks for your reply.

I too am in my mid forties and maybe it's because we have had the family set up that we are now thrust into a life of loneliness makes us panic a little.
One thing I have realised, is the amount of people in our situation, middle aged and alone with some having left their comfortable life with nothing. It's perfectly normal to feel alone and scared, just try not to avoid it and do the wrong thing.
I have found some solitude in meditation and my interests, gym and reading and counselling is helping.
You won't feel like this forever as the human nature soon adapts; like you, I had a lot of friends in my youth, but since my 30's I've mostly done things on my own. I'm definitely not socially awkward, but I would rather be alone most of the time.
Keep talking on here and if you want to private message me so we can talk further, that would be OK.
I found this forum invaluable when I was at my worse time last year.

Headspace

Hi,

Its a kind offer thank you, and I would take you up on it if I could figure out how to do a private message - Give me a clue!

Near the top of the page, where it has your username, there is a bit to the right that says "private messages" - if you click on this, it will take you into the messaging system. Let us know if you are still having trouble doing this.