[Solved] I AM DREADING XMAS WITHOUT KIDS

Hi there

I can only say how distressing this must be, not just for you, but for the children too.... stories like yours are an inditement on the system...whilst we see many successes on the forum, there's still injustice and stuck right in the middle are the children, made to suffer because of the inadequacies of the system....when it works , it works well...and even though things are improving its far too slow and one injustice is one too many.

Even when it seems that the odds are stacked against you, try and remember that you are their father and they need you to stay strong for them and to keep at it. We are all willing you on.

All the best

Thanks Mojo,

Yeah, I will hang in there cos I must, for them, in the hope that I do get to see them at some point, but just lately it is so hard everyday.

I am not an evil, horrid person, and I am sick of feeling like a flippin criminal. Surely I could have been granted a [censored] phone call over Christmas, but no, I'm a Stereotype,
and I just have to dig deep and hope, and hope that one day the kids will be back in my life.

Cheers, S74

This is my 2nd Xmas without my daughter and I am finding really heard.

I have never celebrated Xmas as a child due to being raised in a Muslim family, but after my daughter was born to a Catholic Filipina mother. I found a reason to celebrate.

For seven years I knew what was like to be dressed as Santa Claus, rushing to buy Xmas presents or to decide Chicken or Turkey?. Now this is all gone.

Last Xmas I celebrated with my daughter was in 2014, when she told me that it will be her last Xmas. I pressed her to explain, but she started crying. Later I found out it was due the fact that the mother met and Algerian guy online and apparently converted to Islam. This Algerian guy is in fact a paedophile who is after my daughter and this was the reason she was taken away from me in the first place.

Hello Amirc,

I really feel for you mate, it must be beyond belief, to have not see your daughter two years running at Christmas, I am so sorry.
All I can say is hang in there, as best you can, like the other guys tell me, and that means something, to know that others are on your side.
If what you say is true, about the new guy with your ex, then that is something I cannot even begin to imagine, and I just hope that she(your daughter),
does not come to any harm, and that this man be stopped.

Do all you can Amirc, that is all you can do, and take care, S74

It's tough man I know how it feels I suffered 2 xmas's without my baby girl and I never seen her for 10 months all I can say is stick in there like [censored] don't make the situation any worse and hopefully the courts and cafcass will see that you are committed there was plenty of times I gave up hope whilst absolutely every one and everything was dead set against me but I got through it somehow and I couldn't possibly spend anymore time with my girl than I already do.

It might seem completely stupid to you and my ex really was the [censored] from [censored] but I decided to change my tact with her and actually praised her sent her bday xmas cards ect and it did pay off in the long run you might not be able to do that but atleast try and be nice about her to cafcass and the courts it really does go a long way in their eyes.

All the best

Slim 🙂

I agree with everything Mojo has said. We are all behind you and you have to try and find the strength to keep going. Things can and do turn around, but you have to keep going to get there.

Sending best wishes your way

Hey Yoda,

I appreciate the support, and I am trying so hard to think of things turning around at some point, hopefully, but it's so very hard.
It was my sons birthday yesterday, he was 11, and to not see him, or here his voice is just beyond words to me. As a human being, I cannot think how my ex could actually keep me from my children, and sleep at night, I really can't. I missed my daughters birthday too, and never knew if she had a party or anything, it's wickedness.

Well, off the dr in a minute, make sure I'm alright, for the sake of the kids. Sent their Christmas cards yesterday, and cried a bit writing them, as you would.
Bought both of them lovely Christmas presents, only to have the ex, and her father, slate me, in front of the kids, for trying to buy their affection, it is disgusting.

My best wishes go out to all the Dads on here, who did nothing to deserve what was done to them, cheers Yoda, S74

Hi Scott,

I'm not sure sure of your children's ages, how relevant this advice is, or what your are/are not allowed to do in terms of contact. Some good advice i got was to make contact with the children's school (or nursery), speak to the head if possible and get an update as to how they are, ask if you can make a monthly arrangement for updates as to how your children are doing, that you want to be notified of parents evening if you have parental rights (you don't have to attend at the same time as you ex!), and ask for copies of their school reports be sent to you as well. This helped me to know my kids were doing well despite all that was going on and gave me a feeling that i'm still involved. Arrange to send your letters and gifts to your children through school instead then you'll know they have got them and shows those people who opinions that do count that you really do give a s**t. Ask that the teachers to read these letters out to them - the school is obliged to look out for the best interests of your children and help them where it is safe to do so. After a month or so you can ask the teachers how the children have been reacting to the letters - in my case my kids were very positive and eagerly awaited this each week which was noted by the teachers, then evidenced by the head on my behalf which i then took to court.
I was luckier that most here as i got supervised contact three hours each Sunday up until just over a week ago where i now have much more, i wrote my letter straight after the children left on a Sunday and wrote about what we did, what was funny, what the kids had talked about that was going on in there life, i also started to including one or two photos from my phone and reminding the kids of what we were doing a year ago to that week.

I've been very luck compared to most here in regards contact and its mainly because of the good advice that I've been offered, and from the advice offered to others that I've read about in their forum posts that has really helped me and my children get more contact so much sooner. I've done a lot of personal development work on myself in coming to terms with my feeling towards the ex and as difficult as it is this person is going to continue to dictate things in your children's lives, and thus your life - so the sooner you are able to start dealing with those emotions effectively the better it will be for your children and you, maybe you should also book yourself onto a parenting course, the certificate as evidence as well - any personal development you can do that will show Cafcass/the court/your ex the better and it will definitely help you become a family again sooner.... sorry if i'm reading in to this wrong or being blunt but i hope some of it helps.

All the best.

Hi B E's Dad,

Thanks for the comments, my kids are 6 and 11.

I am sending cards to them every week, but their Mother is apparently reading them to the kids, so they are sadly probably not getting to handle the cards themselves, and certainly not being aloud to keep them themselves, somewhere safe, to look at again, whenever they want to feel close to their Dad.
I am not aloud to say many things I would like to say, as their Mother will put a spin on it, and basically won't show the cards to the kids, under the guise that I am saying bad things, or negative things, or having a dig at her. I want, more than anything, at the end of each card, to warn them about crossing roads, and that is not a dig at anyone, its just so incredibly important, and you can never be told enough, you know that bro.

So, it was agreed in Court, that I send my cards via this person she knows, only, after 5 weeks, he hadn't been passing them on at all. So CAFCASS contact me, no apologies, just to say he will Now pass them on, now he has been spoken to by CAFCASS, and he knows what is expected of him. So, my son just had his birthday, and I had been assured by CAFCASS that he would receive his present on time, via this chap to my ex. Only, I get informed that my son doesn't get his present until after his birthday, even though I sent it a week before, tracked and signed! The ex tells CAFCASS that this guy has been away, so no one could pass on the kids stuff, which is pathetic, and even if it were true, my ex is supposed to be obligated to the Court Order, to make sure the kids get their stuff, regardless of this guy being wherever.

I did ask, in Court, that it be the School that passes on the cards and gifts, and makes sure the Children read them, somewhere neutral, and without influence from their mother. The Judge said no, and that they didn't want to get the School involved. I still believe this would be best. I asked CAFCASS before, and she said they would not do this, even though I have read that others have had them do this for the kids. Its [censored] obvious my ex is not wanting the children to have these cards, for fear they might feel sentimental, yet, she tells her old mate at CAFCASS, how she reads the cards to the kids, even though my son is 11?! No doubt, if she even reads them at all, she only reads certain bits. Of this, I have no doubt.

I attended a Separated Parents Course, that took half a day. The ex would have had to have gone too. I sent my certificate to my Solicitor. I have just sent my weekly
cards to the kids. which are no doubt eagerly awaited by my ex. The children have never written back, and I cannot imagine their mother ever letting them. If a third party were involved, this could be encouraged without the children being made to feel like they were taking sides, or trying to hurt their mother.

CAFCASS have now contacted my Solicitor, to adjourn the January Court Hearing Until March, because they want a mid way report from this DVPP in am on, and it is not going to be ready in January. The thing is, it was never gonna be ready, or it be half way through the course in January, yet this is what I was promised back in September, but as usual, the goal posts have been moved, and CAFCASS can do what the [censored] they like.

So there's me, it's gonna be 11 months, without seeing, or speaking to my two children, that I raised from 6 months old. I won't have my opportunity in January now, to have my solicitor beg the judge to let me pay for contact in a centre, supervised. I was clinging to that date, that chance, now it's gone.

Oh yeah, my ex has told my solicitor to get me to send cash to the kids for Christmas, or, she will send me a list of what they want(what she wants). She wants an idea of my budget too! I sent some gift vouchers for the kids, back in August. It was my daughters birthday, so she got a big one, but I got my son a smaller amount, just so he didn't feel left out. You're talking £100 and £50. My solicitor askes my ex, what did they children get with their vouchers, and mother replies"I can't remember".

I am a decent man, a loving father, yet, I am being treated like an outcast. I have made mistakes, who hasn't, but I don't deserve this, and neither do my kids.
One final thing, and I may have said it before, but when the CAFCASS lady interviewed me(for 3 hours), I was candid, and told her the truth, 100%. She told me that I should go on the DVPP, and it wasn't an admission that I was a wife beater etc,,but it was me admitting any part I played, and so I agreed. She said "We can make your daughter see you, we can put her in a car and drive her". She concluded our meeting my saying she believed that myself, and my ex, had basically fought with each other, and the nasty remarks, the swearing, the name calling, the comments under ones breath, had become the norm, and I agreed.

The next time I heard from the CAFCASS lady was when I saw her S7 Report, and she never mentioned her meeting with me, but she slated me, and all the stuff the kids had clearly said out of anger, and their mothers prompting, she viewed as the literal truth. I read the report in absolute horror, and forgetting it was about me for a minute, it was like reading about a monster, like a [censored] monster.

I'm hanging in there, to spite her, to spite CAFCASS, to spite the Court. I'm glad we don't have the death penalty, cos I would have been one of the poor bastards that died for no reason, because a picture was painted, and to everyone, that was me, period. It is very sad, and my sadness grows every day.

Anyway, worse things happen at sea bro, best wishes, S74

Hi Scott....well....wow, i'm feeling really really gutted for you, there are bits that i can empathise with and there are other bits that just bring up an awful gut wrenching feeling even though i haven't been through those myself, you certainly have got it rough to say the least.

I have to say i really admire your resilience because i haven't gone through a fraction of what you have and your still sticking in there.... top dog!.

I've read some of Mr Slims back post and it sounds like they really stuck the knife in and twisted there too, if you've not read these you really should. I think out of all that i had read its his posts that have been some of the most inspirational in sticking it out and continuing to fight for your children's right to have a relationship with you. It seems clear that you are playing ball and jumping though the hoops for the ex/cafcass/court which at the end of the day is what you have to do.... but its also clear that your not doing it for them, your doing it for your kids.

I have to say the Cafcass Officer i spoke to actually wrote a fair reflection of my side given what the ex alleged in her Affidavit to get ex-parte orders.... i suppose no matter what profession you'll always get officers that are good and bad.

I know that just over three three weeks ago that i was in a very different place, day to day, week to week, very up and down, but back then the options on the table for the future, and what kind of farther i would be allowed to be looked very bleak to me and i felt that maybe it was better to simply walk away as it all felt too much, then things changed literally overnight after the last court hearing and now i feel so much more positive about the future..... as what Mr Slim says, stick in there because things will change for the better, and then you'll finally be back onto the uphill slope again and back to being a family 🙂

After all you've been through I know that you'll keep strong and come out the end.

Hey Slim,

I'm sorry if I hadn't got back to you, thanks for the comments. I respect what you did, and I am glad it paid off for you, but really mate, I can go forever without slating my ex to the kids(if, and when I see them), and the same with all the other muppets who are involved in all this, but send Her a Birthday or Christmas card, after what she's done to me and my kids, no way bro, and it isn't because hatred has taken over my life, because I'm cool in that respect. If I survive this, my kids will get my undivided attention, and anyone else, who wants to play games, will simply be ignored. I will not give her the satisfaction of thinking I give a stuff about her, or that I respect her, as she's the Mother of my kids, no, I wont anymore, because I don't. She is a Mother, of sorts! Anyway, I'm hanging in there, doing all I can do, and I even listen to a particular old song, when I need a bit of inspiration, when I'm feeling low. Check it out, BRAD, "The Day Brings"-it really is a classic track.

Later, S74