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Looking for some advice. My ex has a personality disorder. Anyone who's read older posts of mine will be familiar of her abusive antics.
A very long story short, she's manipulating my child and making my child feel like they can't leave her side. As a result it's causing my child to have a frequent outbursts of anxiety with my ex, myself, and at school, unsurprisingly. She's basically emotionally abusing my daughter, making her feel that she won't be able to survive without her mum, and mum won't survive without her - she tells my daughter that she cries when she's away with me. Who does that? Anyway, I could write a whole novel on her behaviour, but basically, my ex has emailed me asking for my thoughts and what I think we can do to help the situation. However, my response would be to tell her what she's doing is wrong, and until her and her family change their ways, there will be no improvement. Clearly, though, my ex won't want to hear that. So I'm a bit stuck. I want to help my daughter obviously, but if I am seen to be criticising my ex, I am opening myself up to a barrage of abuse, and knowing her, she will think 'Great, if what I'm doing with our daughter is causing him distress, then I'll turn the dial up and keep doing it, despite how it might affect our daughter's wellbeing'.
I've put off replying for a week now. I feel that if I don't reply this week, then when I pick my daughter up this weekend I'm going to get an earful, which I'd rather avoid. Anyone else been in this position? How can I respond with helpful advice that is ultimately telling her what she is doing is manipulative, without it sounding like that? I don't want to pander to her anymore, I feel she needs to be told the truth, but don't want to make the situation worse.
PS. Although I haven't explained everything in full, I can promise I'm not blame-shifting. My ex is genuinely out of control.
hi,
in your reply to her you can politely put it that she needs to actively encourage the child to see her dad. if she doesnt care and just brainwashes the child to the point that she doesn't want to see you, then next steps would be to get social services involved. don't mention socials to your ex at this stage.
Speak to the school and ask to get her pastoral support, that might be a good first step as it's someone independent your daughter can speak to.
Thanks for the advice.
actd, she was meant to be seeing the school counsellor last year, I think she saw them once and that was it, which I wasn't impressed with. Long story short, the communication from both the school and my ex has been poor, but I need to sort this out for her. Will try and speak to her teacher this week. Now she has a different teacher, maybe something will get sorted properly. My worry is that my ex will find out she's seeing the counsellor and try and manipulate it - tell my daughter what to talk about and what not to talk about. I think I need to talk to the counsellor myself and give them some background info.
bear in mind, if she does get pastoral support, anything your daughter says is completely confidential, and that includes not telling you, but that reassurance will hopefully allow your daughter to be more open.
I agree that pastoral support is probably the best way forward.
Yes, whatever your daughter talks about would be confidential, but at least you would be able to liaise with the school and tell them the concerns from your side and mum can tell them hers.
Perhaps say to mum that you're feeling a similar way to her and the school are probably best placed to recommend someone who can support your daughter that isn't you or her?
I’m not defending your ex. The situation sounds awful. However, I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression a lot. There can be triggers but the majority of the time it just happens for no reason. My loved ones around me worry about me, struggle to understand how it can happen for no reason and always look for reasons why I’m like that. It may genuinely not be your ex’s fault - it might be no-ones fault. It’s sometimes just brain chemistry.
There are lots of websites on line that can give you suggestions to help - breathing exercises, yoga, fresh air, eating well, exercise can all help. As others have suggested, counselling may also be a good idea.
I take CBD oil which is a cannabis oil. You can buy it online. It’s safe, it is legal, it can’t get you high and there are children that take it. It helps me so I would recommend it.
Best of luck with this mate.
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