[Solved] Hi and help

just my opinion for what it matters

You should never walk away an 8 year old child knows his farther and rest assured I speak from experience if you have a positive influence on your sons life you will cause him far more harm in the long run as he will know you didn't want to see him once a month is better than nothing and has he get into his teens which wont be long this will make things easier hopefully.

All that said if you are having a negative affect on his life this isn't good so you need to make sure the time you do spend with him is only positive.

Hi Sean

I find it upsetting when I read about children of such a young age suffering from depression and I feel for you too...life has a habit of throwing us curved [censored] and it sounds as if you've had a lot to deal with.

I'm sure the support worker didnt purposely make you feel as if your sons problems are your fault, but I can understand why you have been so badly affected by it. Did you discuss your present situation with her and make her aware of your disability and mental health problems?

its important that you concentrate on the things that you could perhaps do something about and put to one side those things that you have no control over.

Your sons teeth whilst upsetting are something that you can't really do anything about as he doesn't live with you, hopefully when he gets his second set he will begin to look after them a little better. This is something you could talk to him about.

The bed wetting could be a symptom of his distress, but there are things mum can do to help him with this, such as limiting his fluid intake before bedtime and taking him to the toilet during the night, perhaps you could talk to her about this.

When a child is born with serious health issues it can often have long term effects, hopefully now the support agencies are involved he will get the help he needs.

Have you used the CMS calculator to see how much child maintenance you should be paying, whilst it's admirable that you want to pay for your son, it might be that you could reduce your payments and give yourself a little more leeway financially. Here a link to the CMS calculator

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-childs-maintenance

It's important that you look after yourself too, can you talk to your partner about how you're feeling? Perhaps it might be a good idea to go and see your GP or talk to your CPN if you have one. Don't try and deal with your feelings alone, it's a good first step that you've come here and can talk about how you feel, it does help to open up.

Everyone needs a helping hand from time to time so I'm glad that you've reached out to us here.

Chin up Sean and keep talking.

Hi Sean,

Welcome to the site, sorry too hear you are so down at the moment, as Mojo says you need to look after yourself right now, you have 2 children and 1 on the way, they need you to be there for them you may not feel like you are much use the way you feel, but children's love is unconditional.

I agree that a visit to the doctors would be a good idea, if you are reallys struggling them you can always talk to the Samaritan's I know talking to them as helped members in the past.

Keep talking to us we are here for support.

GTTS

Hi Sean

Realistically, I think if you walk away from your son, you aren't going to feel any better, but if you can make any difference at all to his life, then you are achieving something, and even if that's just showing him you care about him, then that's going to make you both feel better. I can't add to the advice about maintenance, though it might be worth speaking to CMS about it - with you being on disability benefit, you might only have to pay the flat rate, I'm not sure about that, and then the extra money you have means you can visit him more often. I'd also get the support worker to give both your son and you as much support as possible - it sounds as though the mother is seriously neglecting your son, so there needs to be some intervention there.

Most of all, you need to look after yourself - there are a lot of people who need and love you, so you have a lot to give still.

Sorry i have not replied i had a email, i take sedatives and when i do im in a dream world most the time.
While i am suicidal i wont act i have to much love for my boys, my dad killed himself and i know the devastation it leaves behind.

The support worker rang me back and apologize for her making me feel like that. We had a really good chat and i explained why i am upset.
She understands my issues and will take them into account, the CMS say i dont have to give her any money but i feel that is wrong i always have done i would rather be poor than see my son be worst off.
I had a very good job up until my breakdown and now i'm trying to find my feet again, and sadly i probably have negelcted him in the sense i not seen him much, part of the problem is i cant travel alone i have panic attacks on busses and trains its all a bit of a mess. His mum just see's excuses and doesnt really understand.

Hi Sean

Thank you for getting back to us and helping us understand a little more about your situation. I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad, I can't imagine how that makes you feel.

I'm glad the support worker has been in touch again and you've had a chance to talk to her about how she made you feel. Hopefully she will support you more now.

As far as maintenance is concerned I really do feel that this is something that you should think about, it's admirable that you want to continue to support your son, but reducing the amount you pay would take some of the stress away, just whilst you are struggling. It would also allow you to see your son a little more, which I'm sure would make him feel better and the money is still being used for your sons benefit.

Please don't think that you have neglected your son, you have been ill, it isn't your fault. It doesn't surprise me that the mother doesn't understand what is happening to you and how difficult you are finding it. Mental Health is often brushed under the carpet, people feel uncomfortable talking about it, but it's something that effects 1 in 3 of us at some point in our lives. Maybe the support worker will talk to her about it and try and help her to understand.

It might be a good idea to talk to the support worker about assisting you with visits, perhaps she could accompany you or find extra funds to help with travel costs.

We are here for you Sean, keep talking and please do give reducing your payments some thought.

Hi Sean,
.
I mirror everything Mojo has said, This isn't your fault and you shouldn't blame yourself, It sounds as though you are trying to be the best dad you can be, despite your own set backs, it is time at the moment though to focus on whats right for you, as Mojo says, reducing the amount you pay your ex would be a good start, you don't have much money so you do need to try and look out for how you manage what you have. Paying your ex as you currently do is good, but when you are then not able to see your son due to funds it's also bad. I do think that although I say that by reducing what you pay is the right thing for you, it's also going to benifit your son too.
.
I think although you may feel bad for not paying as much towards his living costs, you would feel better and contribute more to his life by being able to see him more often.
.
GTTS