[Solved] Help please.. children through a seperation

Hi siherber, welcome, and I'm sorry for the difficulties you are currently experiencing with the handovers.

Let me start by saying that I have no direct experience of the situation you are facing, however, I have been reading a fair bit on the topic, and the general advice seems to be to attentively listen to what the children have to say about how they feel and show empathy.

One thing you could do is encourage your children to draw something for their mom, which mom can then receive when the children are handed back over to them. Hopefully this will keep the children happy and reduce the tension with mom (maybe).

This video is about parental alienation, which I don't think is your case, but the advice she gives (at 6minutes 30 seconds) about "not taking the bait" and "showing empathy to the child" I think may well apply. I would also keep a diary of anything that feels odd.
https://youtu.be/e9mm5jBhUlE?t=388

As for the children looking forward to their time with you, again, just listening to them will take you a long way. Years ago when my niece was 6, she was telling me about her dolls. Instead of ignoring her or making a dismissive comment like most people did, I showed real interest in her doll, I asked her what were the doll's favorite activities, how the different dolls related to each other, etc... She spent the next hour telling me all sorts of stories about the dolls, and to be honest, I was starting to think this is too much, someone save me !!! But it was really worth it. After that, she always wanted to hang around with me, a few years later she called me out of the blue to tell me she had a boyfriend ! And she also wrote a blog post saying that she has 5 uncles and I am her favorite. So that would be my suggestion, listen to them and play along, be a bit silly, but because you are their father, also keep some boundaries. And never badmouth the mother.

Hope that helps.

It really is tough being a parent of kids who are part of a separation, especially if the parents can't be amicable.

I believe almost all kids if given a magic wand when their parents separate would wish that everything could go back to how they were. I know mine did. I'm on the receiving end of a whole string of accusations. I know that they're not true, but how much of this rubs off on the children, how much is said directly to them, how much they overhear in conversations with other adults, how they see things are tense between mom and dad, I'm not sure.

My only response to this is to be the best dad I can possibly be and let my children see that I'm not a bad person. I'm dad - the person they can relax around, have fun with and talk about anything to. I have almost no contact with my ex now and I think that's the best possible answer to stopping any further allegations, arguments or bad vibes that can rub off on the kids. That way I can just be dad, mom can just be mom and the kids get the best of both parents.

My oldest daughter has come to me on a couple of occasions and repeated some of the allegations and I've had to say that they weren't true. But by saying this you are then leaving the the kids conflicted and wondering which one of the parents are telling the truth. Unfortunately, if mom brings these things up (and I strongly believe that whatever the problems are between parents the kids should not be involved) then you have no choice but to deny them or tell the kids to just ignore it and let the grown ups worry about it.

It really is a tough situation. Other than denying my ex's allegations I've never said a bad word about her to my children, either before the relationship ended or afterwards. If only she could do the same! Children aren't footballs - they are delicate creatures caught in the middle of a situation that they don't want or even understand. They should have the right to love both of their parents and for the parents to love them back.

I still can't get my head around how things change, how two people can go from being in a loving caring relationship where they both want children, to the horrors of separation and all that comes with it. Everyone ends up suffering, especially the kids. Parents should try and be a cushion to help their children get through such a difficult time.

Hi there

Would it be possible to talk to the mother about presenting a more united front for the children's sake? You've managed to work out a schedule of contact and although things may be strained between you, the children will deal with the separation much better if you can work together as parents.

There are a selection of children's books that deal specifically with parents separating and children spending time between two homes, they're age appropriate and are a good way of sitting with the children and reading with them, they can feel empathy with the characters in the book and it may help to open a line of communication for them, so that they are able to talk about how they feel.

How would you feel about face time on the first night between the children and your ex? it might help to,settle them.

All the best