Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Just don't know what to do as think I am in a lot or trouble. 6 years ago I divorced as my wife left me, it meant we had to sell the family home and split all the assets. I had been the one who paid the deposit etc so had lost a lot and had to start from scratch. 4 years later I met someone new, we waited 2 years before deciding to move in together. I sold my flat to be able to cover the deposit on the home and I was also left some money from my gran, which I have used to improve our new home. My parents also loaned me money to help do the work on the home as we got messed around by tradesmen. To go back a little before we moved in I said we would need to do a legal agreement to say what would happen to the house if we separated because I was the only one putting money in. She agreed but then there was covid and nothing had been written up before we moved in. After a few months of living together I received the agreement from my solicitor but my partner refused to sign it saying that she wasn't the type of person to take money from me but also that she would not move her kids again as they had moved around lots before they met me. Anyway time went by, we got engaged, got a dog. My ex caused loads of problems and took my kids away, we've spent two years at court fighting to get access back. It over now but now that I hoped we could put it all behind me my fiance says she doesn't want to be with me any more. I don't know what to do because my parents will disown me for not getting the agreement signed and also because they helped and I used my grans money towards this house. It will break them. I also don't know what to do because my partner can't work so I am doing two jobs to make ends meet for all of us. We split bills 60/40 but there have been many months when I have covered the mortgage, and food myself. I spend over a year struggling to pay the gas and electric on my own. I don't know what to do. I have also got myself into massive debt because I took out a loan for her car, an new kitchen and used credit cards to pay for work on the house and to pay bills when she couldn't. I'm having to go into a trust deed. Do I turn round and say if the relationship is over then I am no longer paying for her and her kids? I can't move out because I've poured everything into this house and am broke. I can't tell my parents. So I don't know if I just go on living here sleeping on the sofa and providing for them until the kids are all grown up but that could be another 10 years. I have no means to move out. Or do I have an accident so that, no one needs to know and my kids would be provided for? I just don't know what to do and feel like I have got myself into the biggest hole imaginable by trying to help others .
@Gooddad80. For sure, not an easy situation from which people will have different views. My suggestion is to be upfront with your parents. They will respect you for being honest even if they don't agree with your decision-making. It will at least take some weight off your shoulders rather than feel you're hiding something from them.
As for the legalities, I suggest seeking some legal advise through the Citizen's Advice Bureau (esp. if money is very tight). Here is a helpful link to enable you to hone your focus: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/deciding-what-to-do-when-you-separate/
Hi,
With debts I suggest you speak to step change: https://www.stepchange.org/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIi6byzJLm_gIV4ejtCh0CMQfCEAAYAiAAEgJL2vD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
With property issues I suggest you seek legal advice. Many firms offer free initial consultation. Your post suggests that your not married to her, so should make it easier to untangle yourself legally speaking.
Has your partner tried to seek council housing?
@bill337 thanks. I am going through the process of a trust deed at the moment, which I tried to avoid but just couldn't keep on top of all the bills being the only one working. I feel this means I won't be able to get another home for at least 6 years and I can't afford to rent.
My partner's not looked at council housing, she was there before we moved in together. I know she's going to refuse to leave the home and expect me to leave as she has her kids full time. I have reached out for some legal advice so hopefully I can get some clarity. I just worry I have lost everything and it's my kids who I'll not be able to provide for their future as I put everything into the home for our blended family.
Hi. Perhaps you could think about selling home, that way both of you would have no choice but to leave.
So sorry to hear this. Get some advice before you do anything drastic. Hopefully as you haven't been together too long she won't be able to claim support from you for her children. You may be able to get an occupation order to get her out but she could have rights. She needs to get herself on the housing list as she is facing being homeless. As a priority sort out your debts with help as suggested. She won't have many rights as you're not married. If you feel like faking an accident please call the Samaritans for support 116 123. Hang on in there.
No accidents! That's the first and foremost thing. Any more thoughts like that please reach out direct I'll happily talk on the phone for hours on end, doesn't even need to be about this we can put the world to rights if you want. Failing that go along to your local Andy's Man Club or talk to the Samaritans.
If you aren't married then I'm fairly certain in the end you'll keep your home, on the downside I don't think you'll be able to recover any lost money. If she presents herself to the council as homeless with children it is their duty to rehome her temporarily whilst they find suitable living arrangements long term. Make sure she knows this, you can present this to her as being helpful it doesn't have to be an argument. You're just 2 people trying to do the best for your kids, though she's going about it the wrong way by the sounds of it but you've got that common ground to be going on with. Not that you should, but offer up furniture as a sweetener if it helps maybe? Again not that you should, but anything to get her out of your life I would think is worth it.
If she isn't on the deeds then technically speaking, you are entitled to change the locks whilst she's out. I wouldn't advise it but just want to reassure you, legally speaking, I don't think you're up the creek totally without a paddle. But as others have said do speak to parents, they'll be ok i'm sure. Even if they're not the weight off your shoulders will be a massive help, you don't need them all to understand and be supportive but if just 1 person is it'll be a real life line for you. And speaking from experience, they'll all be supportive.
Stay Strong and keep us updated.
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.