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Ok I need some advice here. I'm a father to a 9yr old and 6yr old girls. Great relationship and have them 50/50 with their mum.
I haven't had a relationship with my father since I was 10,my mum and I left him at that age because he was abusive physically and mentally. After my mum died 7 year ago I got in touch with him looking for some answers and met twice. There is no relationship there between us at all. I feel sorry for him as he is old and sorry for what happened and missed out on my growing up but also his grandkids. I'm now 38.
My dilemma is he has been in touch recently and really ill with health, heart attacks, Ms and not well. My girls know he is alive but don't know about his past. Should I let him meet them because it would make his life a bit more worth it it or not. I'm struggling and need some advice from dad's who don't know me and impartial. Please some advice
Hi there
This must be difficult for you and I can understand how conflicted you might be, all sorts of different emotions could be at play.
The fact that you sought him out after your Mum passed away, but was unable to establish a relationship with him makes a decision harder, but also tells me that you wanted some kind of connection with him.
He showed remorse for what had happened and you felt sorry for him, did that help you to find some closure? I don't sense that you feel any animosity towards him, this would suggest that you have been able to forgive, if not forget.
As the girls know about him, nothing would be gained from telling them what happened, at least not until they are much older...but I think the dilemma may be more about your own feelings to be honest.
My worry is, if he died without you having introduced your girls to him, without you showing natural compassion for a dying man, you may regret it... you may end up feeling guilty for not having reached out to him at the end.
By giving him the opportunity to make his peace before he dies, you are also allowing yourself a sense of peace too. Guilt is a destructive emotion and I wouldn want you to carry that with you.
Could it be your sense of loyalty to your Mum that's holding you back? I think she would want what's best for you and your girls.
I hope you're able to sort out all the different emotions you're experiencing and make the right decision for you and your girls.
All he best
I think they only point I would add to the above is that if you do decide to introduce them to your father, that you have a conversation with him first to make clear what he can and can't say to them - you don't want him blaming your mother for the split. Perhaps an agree story that you all just lost touch rather than any blame, otherwise your daughters are going to get caught in the middle.
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