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Hi All,
New here, been suffering in a bad relationship for quite a while and if honest in retrospect it’s been like this since before my boy was born. I have tried to be strong and stay for my son through obscene mood swings and physical abuse but it got too much, I’m far from perfect and blameless I also understand my limitations but her depression and blame was effecting the whole household and dragging me down also. I’d known that I had to leave for a while and as odd as the scenario it does feel like a weight off my shoulders and all I feel is detached and a little hollow.
The history of the situation isn’t really important I have made my decision and there is no going back I just want to be the best father I can be to my son and make this as painless as possible for all.
Here’s the scenario we moved in to rented accom as a private let 3 years ago from separate housing (No contract) she has two older children that I get on with and will offer and like to still be part of their life. My son is 15 months old id like regular access , I am staying at my mother’s house for the foreseeable future with a view to saving up more funds to purchase a property Jan 17 ish, we have no linked assets.
After initial conversation she has bagged my clothing and I will be leaving a key out for me to collect my belongings on Friday when her and the children go away for the weekend. Whilst all of the white soft and electrical goods were purchased by me I have no intention of taking them my bikes and personal items are all I want/need.
I have been refused access to my son until next Monday when I can have him between 5-7 while she works then the same Tuesday and Thursday – I am willing to take this on the chin as I really don’t need a scene and want thinks to calm down and for want of a better expression finalise, but moving forward this is untenable as 6 hours a week is not enough.
She has also stated that she wont allow overnight access until he is 4 and “I can take her to court over it if I like “she is the first one to mention court I am happy to mediate first or at least try to – what are my rights on this please I can’t find anything conclusive.
Again I don’t have an issue with this but she has demanded that I pay the next two months bills and rent for her My concern is that I will be setting a precedent and I should propose this in writing with a final date in there. I also need to understand where I stand with paying maintenance during this period.
I’m happy to do what’s right for all the kids I just don’t want to do something wrong that will either effect my access or rights longer term.
I appreciate you taking the time to read my ramblings and welcome any comments or advice you may offer
Many thanks
Hi and welcome.
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It sounds as though you are being sensible and realistic, with what you are planning.
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Firstly, with regards to payments of bills, if you feel it is fair to pay the next few months for her and you are able to then there is no reason why you shouldn't. if you feel you want something in writting to explain that you will only do the next few months and that she will be on her own so to speak after that then you could, though be mindful that if you want to keeo things friendly as possible then a formal letter may taint that slightly she may feel like you are being over the top. so maybe have a vebal conversation instead.
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With regards to child maintenance, you have 2 choices, you can agree between you what you pay, there is a calculator on the CMS website that will help you to understand what they would set as an amount and you can use this as a guide, or you you could contact CMS and ask them to open a case where they will set the amount and then you can pay your ex directly, they will do a collection and pay your ex, but again as you want to keep things as nice as possible itwould be better if you paid her, the best way to do this would be via a bank transfer marker as child maintenance as this will show proof you have paid, if the payments needs to be in cash and handed to her, then pick up a reciept book with duplicate pages and get her to sign to say she has recieved the payment.
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At 15 months there would be no reason not to have over night contact with your son, and if she won't agree then you would firstly have to try and attend mediation this is now required before you apply to the courts for assistance, hopefully once the dust has settled she will start to talk and you can agree things without the need for court, but if you do end up there you can represent yourself with the need for solicitors and we can hlep with advice and support.
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It may be worth asking for a member of her family to be there when you collect your things, the last thing you want is for her to claim you have taken something when you haven't, which could upset the future discusions.
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Good luck and ask anything you need.
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GTTS
Thank you !
Hi there
The fact that you feel a weight has been lifted would suggest that you have made the right decision for yourself and ultimately for the children...it's never good for them to be around such a toxic atmosphere.
If you would like to do a rough calculation of how much maintenance you would be expected to pay you can use the CMS calculator here
www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance
It's early days and it would be a good idea to let the dust settle, I think it's also a good idea to set a cut off point...paying the rent and bills for the next couple of months seems fair, but make it clear that this is just transitional, to give her a chance to get her own finances in order.
Contact arrangements and maintenance are two entirely separate issues and one is not affected by the other....however some parents do use it as a bargaining tool over access, which is wrong.
If after a few weeks or so she is still being unreasonable and withholding contact then Mediation is the first step and is a requirement before court action can be taken. Obviously it's best to try and avoid going to court if at all possible, but sometimes there's no alternative. There's lots of info about the process in the stickys at the top of the legal eagle section which you may find useful and as said, we will do all we can to advise and support you if needed.
All the best.
Thanks for your time in reading and replying . Its cathartic to get this out there there . There's no point in blow by blow accounts or blame but its going to be a testing time for a while .
Hi and welcome to the forum
It is extremely cathartic to talk about these situations and GTTS and Mojo have given you very good support. Keep posting and we will do what we can to assist you.
Good luck
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