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Hi,
My names Paul, this is my first time on here. I'm currently going through a break up, it has been long and drawn out & realistically has gone on too long, its off, then on etc (her not me, i've always tried to keep us together), i should of let it go and accepted it & stuck to one of her many splits. My main reason has been fear of not seeing our daughter (2 years old) and my step son (8 years old), first thing in the morning, last thing at night & any/all the available time inbetween, I love them both very much. The mother is very controlling & my home life has been a miserable (the ending it was a control technique), apart from the children, she has played games, been abusive etc, etc. Friends, family (both hers and my own) have asked and advise not to put up with it, but I perseverred, for the old cliche of "for the children". It all started on a bad footing (she wanted me for money etc, broke up my previous relationship, all very silly of me, I'm as much to blame) and when reality kicked in as it always does, I found myself loving, someone, that had no love for me & saw me as a meal ticket. It dragged on, as has the split.
My main question is residency, I'm fortunate as I own my own company, so I'm very flexible, time wise. I don't expect residency of my step son, he has his own parental farther in his life, it is for my daughter who is 2. I have been the main parent in her life, i.e I'm the one who has put her to bed, been there during the night for feeds, illness etc & generally it has been me who has woken her in the morning (my ex wouldn't get out of bed etc at times) from her first being born. I generally take her to nursery & have been picking her up 2 days of the 4 she goes. If she falls over, feels poorly etc, it's me she turns to. Recently her mother has taken more interest in her, due to the situation & jealously on her part. Now the time has finally come, where we are to live seperate, I sincerley believe it would be best for us to both have joint custody/residency 50/50 for our daughters benefit. I have family support around me, my ex has non as her family are 160 miles away (her mother more, as she moved to Penzance (394 miles away) shortly after our daughter was born. I believe I am more patient with her, spend time playing with her, spend time educationally with her (counting etc) and have always been fair with my sharing of time between the children, my ex has been biased in the past towards my step son as he is very demanding of his mothers attention (she has made it that way & used to get jealous of my step son and I having our own time & when he used to turn to me first for things).
How would I gain joint residency?? my ex has voiced opinions against this (partly just because i suggested it, regardless of our daughters welfare) and do I have any rights. Personally I would love full residency, however i don't think that would be fair on our daughter or my ex (why is it fair for her to have it though??), even though I am in a financially and time wise better situation.
Please can anyone advise or point me in the right direction??
Sorry to ramble on, I look forward to anyone who can help.
Hi there and welcome 🙂
Breaking up is always hard when there are children involved.
I would advise you to try and sit down with your ex and talk through the issues of contact. You could start by telling her how much the children mean to you and you to them, and it would be in the best interests of the children to try to make the changes so that they are affected as little as possible. As they are used to you playing a full part in their daily lives, you feel this should be allowed to continue...have a timetable ready, which days and times etc. Listen to her concerns and address them where you can, and try and be open to some flexibility. If this isnt possible for whatever reason, you could invite her to mediation, this is where you would sit down together with a trained mediator who would guide you through the issues and hopefully help you to come to an agreement. Heres a link ~ www.nfm.org.uk
If none of this has worked then you can apply to the court for a defined Contact Order. This can be done through a solicitor which will cost thousands, or you can self represent which will cost £200. There are two stickys at the top of the Legal Eagle section, the first is called "Contact Order C100 Guide", this is the form you would submit to court to apply for Shared Residency and it would be on this form that you would outline the level of contact you would like and why. The second sticky is "A Guide to Representing yourself in Court" and has lots of useful information about the court process. Bear in mind that the judge would have expected you to have exhausted all other avenues of resolution before asking the court to intervene.
Good luck with everything 🙂
Paul,
Have just been awarded Residency of my 3 children (12, 10 & 8) and don't doubt for one moment that you don't stand a chance. As a Dad you can offer your daughter as good an upbringing as her mum, if not better by what you say below. When I first went to Court I was told by a Judge that I was being ridiculous and I would never get my children and I am so glad I appealed this initial decision as I did get them in the end. I had to get a CAFCASS Report done and was extremely dubious about this as had only heard negative stories about them when it came to dads seeking custody - how wrong was I!! The CAFCASS Officer appointed was brilliant and said all she was interested in on who was the better parent to offer stability and support for the children. The Report came back in my favour, mum wanted to move to be closer to her family which sounds like it could be quite similar towhat you are going through, and the children were all settled in school with a close social circle of friends and sports clubs, after schools clubs etc.
Hope this is of some reassurance to you and if I can be of help in any way then just give me a shout. Good luck to you and don't feel like you don't stand a chance as a Dad because you do.
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