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I have recently had my final hearing and I have to say it was a positive outcome.
I was asking for shared care, which I didn't get, but I got all the time I asked for, every other weekend Friday to Sunday, midweek overnight, 2 midweek 4 hour sessions, 6 weeks holidays, Father's Day, shared xmas, Easter and birthday. I had to make some adjustments to my work arrangements to make this possible, and I also had to explain what my plans are for that time and how it will benefit the development of my child. In the back of my mind I'm well aware that this is discriminatory and it wouldn't have been this hard had I been a woman, but that's secondary and I don't let that get in the way of my primary goal, which is to raise my son.
I'm still a bit in shock. The last few months have been such a storm, the non molestation hearing, the weeks not seeing my son, the constant barrage of allegations, which were hard to take, but in the end, I got the impression played in my favour because I never responded in kind.
It's still early days, and the allegations the ex makes against you is something that you don't completely forget, but for the sake of our son, I choose to let go, because that's the only way he will grow up without conflict. I believe this whole experience will make me a better dad, so in an odd way, I honestly feel like I should thank her for how difficult she made things, because that only made me want to be a dad more, and paradoxly our son will benefit from that.
I've done a few mistakes along the way, but there were a few things I feel helped make the whole process go more favourably, 1) self referring to supervised contact ( the reports were fundamental ), 2) not attacking the ex, which made me come across as a level headed dad who puts the child first, as opposed to a mad mom who kept raising new allegations, 3) working on myself and letting go of things I can't control.
It wasn't easy, it took swallowing some pride but now that I got the result in, I'm glad I did it.
Big thanks to Mojo who has been fantastic throughout, and every one else who answered my questions and supported me and my separated family along the way. I hope Mr B179 sees this.
One thing that got me through the time I wasn't seeing my child was imagining and writing down the things I was going to do with him once this storm had passed. My storm has passed, now is the time to keep the peace and be a dad again.
Finally, I want to spare a thought to the dads who have been struggling for years. Your courage has been an inspiration and you have helped me even if inadvertently.
Good for you. Really glad it worked out for you.
A great post with its tips and observations. It's early days for me but you've been a real help and I'm grateful for it. I hope you'll continue to contribute to site.
Thanks for sharing and glad you've had a positive outcome for you and your son.
So glad to hear you got a good outcome 🙂
Fantastic that you got a good result that you are happy with. I know we both didn't get the shared care but it's only a legal techcallity on paper and dads are both seen as equal in the eyes of the law.
This is another positive outcome and gives hope to those who go through the system, I have a friend who recently got his non mol dropped by the Courts and a friend who had a great outcome on the first hearing.
The system worked for us and hopefully many more to come but I feel for those who don't get the result they was looking for.
Best of luck to your future.
Thanks superprouddad, posts like yours are a real tonic for others working their way through the system and your advice and tips are a great help to many.
It has been a pleasure to work with you, you have always had the capacity to take advice on board and make changes in your approach to an often, very distressing situation. You have worked so hard and I'm so pleased that you will stick around and help others on their journey...well done!
Congratulations for getting such a good outcome. It really helps with people like me who are in the middle of the same process.
I am also hoping to get equal shared care. Which is basically continuing our existing informal arrangement with ex , as we both work full time but somehow now she wants to be the main carer which I do not agree with.
One thing that confused me about your post, you said you didn't get shared care. With that amount of time , I think it qualifies as shared care, does it not? May be not equal care though.
Hi.. It is great news that you got an outcome that you are happy with.
Can I ask.. what is the difference between shared care and the kind of order you were awarded?
Thank you.
Hi there
A shared care arrangement is what used to be called shared residence, in effect it means that the children named in the order reside with both parents and have two homes. It doesn't have to mean a fifty fifty split of the time the children spend with each parent.
What it does is to equalise the parents position in their children's lives, rather than the children residing with one parent and having contact with the other, which can be interpreted as the resident parent having a more superior position.
Superprouddad wanted to have it written in the order that his child lived with him on the days/times that his child was with him. What he has is the mother named as the parent that the child lives with and he as the parent that the child visits or has contact with.
So everything else being the same, what is the significance of the words "live with" from the courts perspective in the future? I mean legally speaking is it significant at all?
Thanks
Thanks Mojo, that’s exactly right. I should have written “shared residence” ( which I didn’t get ) instead of “shared care” ( which I did get ).
Legally speaking, the only difference is that the parent whom the child “lives with” can take the child abroad for up to 28 days without the other parent’s consent. I believe he/she cannot do this during the time the child spends with the parent they don’t live with, but am not sure.
On the other hand, if you are the parent the child “spends time with” and you want to take the child abroad, you need consent from the other parent.
In practice, it doesn’t really make that much difference. When I bring my son home I tell him let’s go home, I don’t tell him let’s go to the house you spend time in :).
Strictly speaking, shared residence is a defunct term which was set aside back in 2014 along with contact orders, it all now comes under one order - the Child Arrangements Order, within this order it would be written that the child lives with one parent and spends time with the other, which in effect, gives residence to one parent, or it would be written that the child lives with one parent on x amount of days and lives with the other parent on x amount of days, which is shared care/ shared care arrangement.
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