[Solved] Ex's games and building case

Hi there,

I wouldn't worry too much this. My son's mother similarly would take days or not even bother letting me know at all when he was unwell. Her behaviour likewise changed once court proceedings started and I started getting a lot of emails that were clearly intended for a wider audience as proof of how co-operative she was. For some reason, she seemed to have thought I'd junked all her previous emails of her being anything but co-operative or sharing.

You could respond by email:
1) thanking her for the update,
2) asking her to let you know if anything seriously changes.

Keep it as simple as that.
That was pretty much my stock response - sometimes I would just stick to 1). This pretty much put the onus on my son's mother to do the updating rather than her expectation I do the asking like a good little schoolboy.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being informed of any of my son's illnesses when he's not with me - I would rather know than not know. After the court case, his mother reverted back to her previous behaviour in this regard. Sometimes I'd only find out my son had been ill from his school attendance records, or from another parent at the school, or from my son himself when I next saw him. It's taken years of having to mention in texts or emails of my awareness from other sources of the occasions of our son being unwell, but his mother now informs me on the day.

I don't mind knowing about his illnesses but her controlling nature is too much for me. She lets me know then tells me to seek updates. What's wrong with her. I think this is all a precursor to stop contact

She cancelled contact yesterday and said he will get worse so can't reschedule today. How on earth was she meant to know he's going to get worse?!

I've not heard from cafcass and don't know who my cafcass officer is. The fact finding Hearing is In February. Is that normal for me not to hear from cafcass

Hi again,

I get that this is a really anxious time for you - I remember being a bundle of nerves myself when I was in the period of the run-up to court. I think a lot of guys on the forum could tell you of their experiences of having to deal with controlling exes. Some mothers haven't got the emotional intelligence to move beyond seeing their children as possessions or extensions of themselves, rather than as separate human beings that would benefit from having a stable relationship with both parents.

My son's mother is pretty much in that category. I still find this frustrating that her mindset hasn't really changed, even years after a court order that seriously clipped her wings. I've learned that I can't change her behaviour, but I can change how I respond, or even on some occasions, whether I respond at all, and this has levelled the ground for me. I get your worry that she might be looking to produce these emails as 'evidence'. I think she's on a hiding to nowhere on that tack, but if you feel the need to counter this narrative, I would suggest maybe you play along in the short-term, at least until after the full court case.

I'd say keep a record of all your contact with her (emails, texts etc). I used to keep a diary, which proved invaluable for me keeping track of any events or incidents. If she is disrupting the terms of the interim order, I would say to keep a record of those occasions for court. She'd be stupid if she tried to stop contact now with another hearing due in a couple of months, as this will not put her in a great light - but then again 'entitled' mothers aren't usually the sharpest tools in the box. There were occasions before the court order my son's mother tried to use illness to curb contact - I would let her know in writing that I was more than happy to and capable of looking after my son in that situation, so there was a clear evidence trail that it was solely her decision to prevent him from being with me. She has tried the same tactic since the court order, and got the same response for me, and she's no choice but to hand him over to me.

In regards of Cafcass, I remember climbing the wall waiting for them to contact me once I knew this was meant to be happening. I also remember making the effort to contact them (and keeping a record of this). They did eventually get in touch about 5 weeks before the court case. I kept calm and focussed on my son and my relationship with him, and got a good report that stated there were no concerns.

I know it's really difficult - and I wish I'd been able to go back in time to tell myself this - but take deep breaths and try not to get riled.

Thank you for your advice. My ex is extremely schemey. 3 weeks ago was the date the court had increased contact to be increased and for me to take my child away from contact point. My ex has been determined not to let that happen so stopped contact and told me I needed supervised contact.

I applied for enforcement and her lawyer applied for variation. Judge rejected that it needed to be changed to supervised contact at contact centre. However judge changed the date for increased contact and date I can take him away. The date is approaching next week and my ex has already been using illness as precursor to stop that from happening. She's emailed me saying my child is unwell and he'll take long time to recover and last night she emailed again and said he is Now vomitting blood and she's taken him a and e. She is a compulsive liar and lies a lot. I don't believe he was vomitting blood. She's just taken him to A and E to have it on record.

hi,

have a read of this:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/fabricated-or-induced-illness/

Here's another email from her received:

"I couldn't update you with more details because last night was long & today was trying to get some rest.

They hospital wanted to see improvement before discharging her so gave her diarolyte but couldn't keep anything down so they gave her antisickness medicine and that improved her and then i gave her more diarolyte this morning and that gave her some energy and she passed stool. She seems a little better but still very weak to play and run and ate a little today."

Notice how she talks about not playing etc. It's all leading up towards cancellation. She's only 1.5 years of age.

This is all leading to cancellation of this weekend where the judge ordered I was able to take her away and my contact hours were due to Increase.

Any idea how to reply??

hi,

ask her what medicine she needs and you can giver her doses as and when required. and that you wont let her run around when she is with you.

Perhaps you could say ok as the child is unwell and prob needs to rest up etc please make the time up to me and I’ll have 2 weekend of contact to make up for the time etc . Or say let me know on the day if child is ok and well enough to see me and that it’s ok if you have a weekend of doing not a lot but being curled up on the sofa having a family movie day etc with your kids .If it keeps happening and it’s just an excuse then go to court for enformcnet .

yep, if this keeps happening where she stops you seeing your child due to illness, then you should go back to court. my 3 year old had a nasty fever the other week. ex just told me how often to give calpol. was scary lol. she was waking up so many times at night, crying for water and burning up.

Thanks guys. So I sent ex the following

" I'm glad she's doing better and doctors had no cause for concern. Can you please send any medications with her for tomorrow's contact and tell me the last time you gave her a dose before she comes so I don't give her an extra dose. Can you also please tell me which meds need giving. I'll look after her and make sure she doesn't run around if she's looking weak".

Likely she'll reply with she's got worse.

I had enforcement hearing last Tuesday and her lawyer applied for variation so it was held on same day. She tried changing unsupervised contact to supervise and the judge rejected it but found no breach which is so bizarre as she wasn't letting me have contact unless I agreed to her supervised proposal. With regards to previous illness excuses the judge just said it was miscommunication between pair of us. I tried getting the judge to see the breach but she dismissed case.

Did you have to try mediation again before enforcement? Looks like I’ll be back applying for enforcement of my order . Thanks .