[Solved] Everything just fell apart

Perhaps it might be better to give them some space, which means no communication at all. It might give them time to reflect and reconsider and it will give you the opportunity to regroup too, the silence each time you try and communicate is keeping you from recharging as it pulls you back.

At the moment you're all caught up in this maelstrom of emotions, stepping back may give everyone the chance to reflect and calm down. I would be extremely surprised if your children have stopped loving you, it's just that the "incident" has overtaken and overshadowed everything else.

It's great that you are looking outwards and are joining in with the community in your new town, I'm sure this will help.

Dealing with a sudden break up in a long term relationship is akin to a bereavement and you will be experiencing all of the same emotions... Shock, fear, grief, anger, try and be kind to yourself and concentrate on you for the time being. If you feel like a good old cry, let it happen, it's a good release and better than keeping it all in.

Take care of the basics, get enough sleep and make sure you eat regularly, it's important to keep your strength up as you are dealing with so much at the moment.

All the best and keep talking.

Thanks Mojo.

The thing that worries me about giving them space is that their current living conditions are so difficult.

They are all living in a small 2 bedroom house with the grandparents. All their stuff will be in a small bedroom where my wife and daughter will be sleeing. My son will sleep on the floor in the lounge although he always liked to do it anyway. There is no wifi for their phones and laptop and not really a place to do his college work. A lot of their clothes and comforts like all their CDs and my son's laptop have been left here. It used to drive us mad when we visited and that was only for a couple of days.

Last week my wife will have been ferrying the children to school and college every day a trip I would guess something like 60 miles or more. If she comes home each day in between times instead of spending the day near the college the total could be 250 miles each day. She and the children eat differently to their grandparents so she will have been picking up an inadequate supply of food at the local supermarket on the way home in the evening. My estimate is that to do all this she will have been getting up at least at 6 in the morning each day to get the children to college and school not finish eating til 9 at night.

I wouldn't so much worry about my wife taking space -as far as I'm concerned she can have as much space as she needs and I think I might stand a decent chance of getting her back if she did. The thing that worries me is that these impossible conditions must be putting an intolerable pressure on her to reach a decision quickly. She needs a decent place to live sooner rather than later and the obvious place is this house. It worries me that she will come to a quick decision or maybe has already made it to try to kick me out with court order and have the place for herself.

That's the reason I have been texting and mailing so much to try and head off such a destructive and irreversible course of action and it's also the reason I am so worried by the continuing silence from all of them.

Dan

To be fair, this was her choice, she was aware of the living conditions when she left so abruptly... if it was planned she may have alternatives in place that you're not aware of.

You could start the process of mediation, this would be a way of getting some kind of movement and dialogue going, although you would be in danger of facilitating your own homelessness, are you prepared to move out to allow them to move back in?

There are no easy answers here, I do think you need to try and stop worrying about what is happening with them and concentrate on yourself, at least just for now. It might be a good idea to formulate some plans for the future, preparing for possible eventualities, having contingency plans... nothing too heavy, but it's always advisable to think ahead when the future is in flux.

All the best

Hi. You mention about the 'process of mediation' as if it's something on the table. I don't know anything about that at all.

All I know is that she texted me last Tuesday to say that she'd been to a solicitor who said we should talk to sort things out and gave me her number and email address. Then she barely replied to one email on Thursday and nothing at all since. I have a grand total of 2 texts and 1 email and absolutely nothing else. talk about 'going dark'. For all I know she's taken herself and the kids to Beachy Head and driven off the cliff.

I have no confirmation that she really has been to solicitor but a £50 cheque in our joint account suggests she did. I do have reason to think that it WASN'T planned and she IS living at her parents.

I'll tell you something I'm just starting to find out about and has got me worried: the menopause. Research this online and you start to think you might as well give up on your marriage now. I don't know if anybody has started a thread on that but it might be an idea. It's a really big deal and it looks like a lot of us men don't see it coming and don't know what we're dealing with.

Sorry - meant to say as well. I have been taking posters' good advice about looking after myself. Although have been burning the candle at both ends and not eating much for days, I am now starting to build myself up and getting into something of a routine.

There IS a plan B of sorts - I think if the worst came to the worst I could hack it in a small rented place. But I don't want to anticipate a bad outcome if I can help it. Nor do I want to kick a sleeping dog if she hasn't decided one way or the other.

Basically I'm completely in the dark about what's in her mind. For all I know she could even have inferred from my texts and emails that I'M the one that wants to get divorced. I'm saying too much and she isn't saying anything.

You're saying too much and she's not saying anything? I would tread carefully and perhaps stop communication for a while. If you continue to contact her and don't receive anything back, you could end up with accusations of harassment and a non-molestation order. Not saying this is certain, but it's a very common way for someone to gain Legal Aid.

The tip is much appreciated although I didn't enjoy reading it one little bit. The thing is it would be huge change in her personality to do something like this. It's always been her personality to play with a straight bat - that's one of the things I love about her - and so far in this she seems to be doing just that. Maybe I'm a mug but it's possible there is a simpler explanation. I'll explain:

I have been paying attention to advice I have been given on this board and am starting to take better care of myself. I am eating better and getting into a kind of daily routine. My moods are still swinging from time to time but it seems much less extreme than it was and there seems to be a kind of settled calm in between. Looking back from this point at the first 10 days or so I think I have been completely off my head in shock. It doesn't sound like it because I can put a sentence together at the worst of times but maybe it's something like a mini nervous breakdown.

As part of this calming down process I have been re-reading a lot of texts and emails I sent her and seeing them in a totally different than I did when I wrote them. They contain a heck of a lot of the most incredibly stupid and hurtful things. And what makes it worse is at the time I actually thought I was saying something to make it better. There was a long one I read last night with increasing horror as paragraph after paragraph said one insulting and hurtful thing after another. Basically - while I thought I was explaining my psychological position in an open and friendly manner I took everything about our marriage and threw it all back in her face

It could be the simple explanation for her silence is that she is hurt and absolutely [censored] livid and has good reason to be.

So there's another good piece of advice - including yours - I am taking: I am going to give her space and take some for myself too. No more texting and emailing. It hasn't made anything better and it may have made it much worse. Talk about if you're in a hole stop digging I seem to be making every mistake in the book.

Have you considered relate?

I would consider anything reasonable that helped save the marriage.