[Solved] Emotional Blackmail to see the children - do i have any rights ?

Hi there

To be honest, as it stands right now, she can do pretty much as she likes, there’s no court order and as you rightly said, the agreement isn’t legally binding.

With the amount of contact you have and the fact that she is capable of reducing it to control you, I would seriously think about your options before it happens, not after.

If you instigate mediation and a court application, you will be asking for 50/50 shared care and that the children live with both of you. You have plenty of evidence to show that you have the children a lot of the time, also that she works late on Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday and goes out every weekend. To argue that Yvan work flexibly and have been having the children to fit around her work before and since the split, you do have a good argument.

Custody isn’t used anymore, it’s the parent that the child lives with and the parent the child visits, but in shared care arrangements, the children live with both parents.

She can’t predict what will happen, she can ask the court to order in favour of what she wants, but there’s no guarantees ... so she is threatening you with reducing contact to maintain control, using your fear of losing your children, it’s not a good look.

We see this so often, she may well cave in at the mediation stage, she may get nasty and start making allegations to get her way. All you can do is to rise above it, don’t leave yourself open to any allegations and carry on being the best dad you can be.

Solicitors are very expensive, but doesn’t let that put you off, if you can’t afford their fees, you can self represent, or use a McKenzie Friend.. and of course we will do what we can to advise and support you.

All the best

Many thanks for the reply.

I'm pretty new to this.

From what i understand, i need to go to mediation before i can apply for shared custody via the court ( if it got that far )

Do i need to speak to a solicitor before i attend mediation ? or can we just go to mediation without any legal advise ?

Does the outcome of mediation have any sway in the future.. ie if she agrees to the 2 days, but starts the blackmail in 6 months time again, will a court take into account that she has looked after them for the past 6 months, and i have only had them 3 nights a week..

To what degree do the court dig into these threats.. ie i have it in writing about the agreed dates, along with her chnaging her mind once i say that she cannot have them on the Sunday.

As it stands now, all this is fresh.. She only moved out last week, so for the past 3 months it has been me putting my children to bed for min 4, sometimes 5 nights a week.. If i leave to see how it settles, she will claim she has had them for 4 nights a week for them 6 months and that is the childrens familiar routine..

The other issue is that i am convinced my ex would lie even under oath to make out that she hasnt been out as much as she has, or would rope her sister / mum in to say she was with them, not with the new partner etc..

thanks again

That’s right, mediation is a requirement before an application to court can be submitted. There’s no need to speak to a solicitor beforehand.

Anything agreed in mediation isn’t legally binding and she can renege on the agreement. Anything drawn up in mediation is confidential and can’t be shared with the court unless you both agree. However you can refer to the agreement in broad terms.

If she reduces the contact time and it becomes the schedule, it’s more likely that it might set a precedent, that’s why I suggested it might be better to get the ball rolling sooner rather than later.

During court proceedings, when you are asked to provide a statement, you can attach evidence such as texts and emails to it and they will be taken account of, at the very least it will show the court why there is a need to have a defined order, rather than leaving it as a matter of agreeing between yourselves.

I wouldn’t concern yourself about what she might or might not say, statements from family and friends usually carry less weight... for obvious reasons.

You could ask the school to provide you with written confirmation that you are fully involved and do more than an equal share of taking them to school. It might be worth talking to the school about the changes as the children may be unsettled and need extra support.

Mojo,

Many thanks for the advise.

I have called a mediation company today and am awaiting for them to call me back.

I think it will go to court. I wanted 4/3 , 3/4 but agreed in our seperation agreement to stick to 3 nights, to avoid this. But she ( verbally) always said she would work with me. This hasnt happened, and if i am going to pay £1000s in court fees, i will go back to the original 4/3 3/4.

Re the "statement".. Do i submit the evidence i have at this point ?

When i spoke to a solicitor originally ( 1 hours consultation ) she instructed me to keep evidence of all the times my ex partner left the children to go out to work, out with friends / drinking, or to meet the other man. The ex was also a social media addict, so she is tagged 19 times last year on her saturday nights out !

Do the courts take this into consideration? I dont want to come across as "partner bashing" but at the same time she has litterally left me to it for the past 3 months while she got on with her new life..

Same with the kids "interaction" - i have thousands of photos of doing "fun" things with our children. I take them to the park 7 times a week in the summer. My ex partner very rarely actually interacted with them... ie she would take them to "wacky warehouse" and just sit on her phone while they play...

Not sure whats relevant and whats not ?

thanks

Hi again

No you don’t submit evidence at this point, you can’t as you haven’t made an application. Once the proceedings are underway the court will give you the opportunity to file a statement which you can attach your evidence to.

There are ways of providing information to the court so that it doesn’t look like partner bashing. For instance you would just say that you have been completely happy with child arrangements that have been in place long term, even after the split. Your flexible working complemented her hours of work and meant there wasn’t a requirement for childminders, which the children benefited from. That your ex’s social life has always been accommodated without a problem, as you were happy to stay in and look after the children. Regarding spending time out with the children, you can say that it was just something that you and the children enjoyed doing on your time off, when your ex was busy... so your getting the points across in a positive way. The important thing is getting across how much time you spend with your children and that its has been that way for a long time.

Many thanks for the reply and your input.

I have booked mediation next week, so lets see how that goes..

Very interesting read and I hope you get it sorted amicably.

I think it needs to be clear between two parents when it is and isn't their time with the kids. When it is you are a 100% parent and when it isn't, they are 100% parent. Both need (and deserve) time to themselves for their own private lives.

hope it goes well for you. for me, as soon as my child contact times started changing from week to week and getting more restrictive, thats when i had enough and took the legal route. better to act early, before things escalate and you could possibly end up with mental health issues.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like a very difficult and emotionally challenging time for you. I think seeking legal advice and exploring mediation options could be helpful. However, it's important to document any emotional blackmail or manipulation that may be occurring.

It's been a while since your post, but I wanted to offer some insight. I've been through a similar situation myself, and I understand how important it is to keep detailed records of agreements and communications. It's not just about protecting yourself legally but also ensuring clarity and fairness for your children.

Considering mediation is a positive step—it can provide a structured way to discuss arrangements and hopefully reach a resolution that prioritizes your kids' well-being. Websites like digitalinvestigation.com offer practical advice on handling sensitive family matters, which might give you additional insights. Stay strong and focused on what's best for your family.