[Solved] Dad and Step Dad needing some moral support

Hello Thisandthat1993,

There is a new baby in the family so naturally you and mum are tired. This is why I think you are feeling more frustrated than you usually do.

Your daughter's behaviour as it is at present I think is a cry for attention. I believe it is a classic case of her needing help to adapt to a new baby in the family. She sees the baby getting attention and that is why I think her attitude has changed, she wants a little more attention at such a time and equally as important needs to be involved with the baby. I also think that at the age of three they can naturally go through challenging phases also.

Try giving her extra attention and include her more when doing things for the baby and I think you will see a change in her after a few weeks.

Don't get dispirited thinking of her biological father. When she is with him she has his full attention but with you and mum she now has to share you with the baby and sharing isn't what she has had to do before so she needs to be taught how to do this in a loving environment..

I agree - and perhaps take her out occasionally (to McDonalds if necessary), Not only does that make her realise that you still have time for her, but it might also give your wife a much needed break (assuming new baby lets her rest a bit).

First of all thank you for your replies. As far as attention goes we try our utmost best to include her, for example every other Saturday when she is not with her farther, she comes out in the Lorry with me and we often go for lunch. And my wife does her homework projects with her in the evening while I'm bathing the boy. But I still suppose that it is still not 100% attention as was before.

As for her biological farther I'm sure she will relialise what he is in our own time.
I just know what he will do to her coz my dad was the same seen it all before and it will end bad for her.

Hello Thisandthat1993,

I am sure you are giving her lots of loving attention.

When a new baby arrives they need to learn to share and be included with regard to what is happening with the baby and to build a brother sister relationship. For instance when it is baby's bath time try to include her. Children like to please and have their opinion sought. See what happens if you say to her, "is it baby's bath time," "will you help me to bath him? She can have a toy in the bath and amuse him for a short while. The same goes for reading a story having both the children together. There are lots of little things where you can include her whilst attending the baby. I think this will make her feel included also a "big girl." My granddaughter loves the thought that she is a "big girl" and her brother is "only a baby." Try something on the lines I have suggested and see if it works but don't expect it to overnight, it may take a little time but persevere with it.

As for the biological father, I think your thoughts about him at present will diminish as your daughter readjusts to the new arrival and when you and mum are not so tired.

Agree with what has been said about your daughter needing a period to adjust and they can be very trying at that age, even without big changes happening around them 🙂

It's great that you have some one on one time together and sure she loves that.

You haven't said much about your daughter's father? Does he have six hours because that's all he wants or is that what you have both offered? There are some dead beat dads out there, but we have many members here who are on the other side of the picture you are describing, and it can be very difficult to be in that position too. If there's ill feeling with that dynamic, that's something your daughter may pick up on too.

Thanks again! Great advise.

As for my daughters farther, he originally had her for 3 hours and we pushed him to have more because he was missing out on her growing up. Me and him are civil infront of her. On pick up and drop offs same with my wife. We don't want her feeling any negativity around him, don't want her to feel she is upsetting me and my wife by seeing him, unsure if she will sense this at her age but we try to do this for her. He is a big drinker and smoker(various substances) and we try to be wary of this without accusation, monitoring how she smells when she gets home etc. The only issue we have had is she doesn't feel comfortable to pee or [censored] with him and she has had many accidents with him and never with us, since she was potty trained to be honest. He will not have her over night as it interferes with his 'personal life'.

Sometimes kids can pick up on the smallest differences in how their parents react to another person but it sounds like you're doing the best you can. If he's a waste of space, you have to let her find that out for herself over time, providing she is safe in his care.

I really do think that everyone getting used to a new baby and lack of sleep etc, can exacerbate even the most minor of frustrations for all involved. Give everyone time to settle and keep trying to be patient.

Good luck to you

Hi there

Congratulations on your new arrival, it's a time of great change and upheaval as well as joy and your daughter will most definitely be feeling these changes too. She has never had to share either of you before now and was the centre of your attention, no matter how hard you try to I clued her it will take her time to adjust to the new family dynamic.

My advice would be to try and see it for what it is and make some allowances for her behaviour, by saying you dread going home from work tells me that you are probably arriving anxious and without doubt she will pick up on this and react to it. Without meaning to your anxiety will be transferring to her and she's too young to understand this, all she can do is react to it. Once you change your mind set and relax she will too I'm sure.

As far as her father is concerned, his input is minimal and as has been said, she will make her own mind up about his selfishness as she gets older. As you mention that there is concern about drinking and smoking, I think its better she doesn't spend overnights with him, it's probably in her best interests to keep the time she spends with him limited to days. The fact that there are toileting issues is an indication that she is out of her comfort zone and is feeling anxiety when with him. Perhaps her mum can have a discreet word with him and give him some pointers; asking her if she wants to use the toilet and providing clean underwear and a change of clothes for her ( you probably do that anyway)

It sounds to me that you are trying hard to make the situation better and as Yoda has said just be patient, keep on doing the father daughter things with her and it will improve. There are some good books available to read with children about a new little person in the house that might help and giving her some responsibility with her little brother might help, let her pick some pictures for his room, or ask her opinion about what he should wear. You could also let them bathe together and get some toys to make it fun.

All the best

Brilliant! Thank you to all of you.
My daughter does not stay over night as he doesn't want her to at least we don't have to worrie about that. My wife is going to have a chat with him this weekend regarding toilet. So hopefuly things will improve for her there.
As for me, I spend ten mins extra driving home (sounds silly) but I relax on my drive home, it work mode and try and go into the house very upbeat and daft as I usually am. This has a positive reaction with my daughter and behaviour has improved since we all just relaxed and enjoyed time.
:))

It doesn't sound silly at all and it's great that you have noticed an improvement in her behaviour already! I'm so glad that the solution was easily put into action and you are reaping the rewards, things should only get better.

It's clear that you care deeply about your children and are willing and able to make the right changes to make things better so well done to you all! 🙂

I havent read other replies but my husband took my son on from when he was 1 year old (hes 7 now) and his real dad has contact every other weekend. When he was younger his real dad was the best thing since sliced bread. He was spoilt with gifts and big days out etc however, now at 7 he has a massive respect for my husband and when we got married he also wanted my husbands last name and wanted to call him dad.

Just remember kids remember whos present, not who buys them presents. My son doesnt see his dad that much and its still a novelty to him, he gets his dads undivided attention and of course when your young you dont see the bigger picture. She will grow up to see that you are there and you are the constant.