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This advice is aimed at both mothers and fathers who have recently separated and is primarily related to false allegations or allegations of safeguarding concerns. My story has now resulted in a judge ordering a section 37, which could possibly result in our children being taken into care.
I've mentioned these issues elsewhere in my posts but I thought this needed a topic all of it's own.
When we separated, my ex partner concocted a series of allegations against myself that simply weren't true. I believe that she applied the idea that attack was the best form of defence - the true story was that she had repeatedly been bullying the children and putting them in danger. With no other way of proving my innocence, I decided to record what was actually happening.
Despite the fact that I could prove that the allegations against me were lies, that she had indeed been guilty of the neglect and abuse that she was causing, all recorded and proven beyond all reasonable doubt, our children could end up being taken away from both of us.
The courts have now issued an order that states...
Upon the applicant being of the opinion that the mother cannot parent safely;
Upon the respondent being of the opinion that the father cannot parent safely;
Upon further investigation and telephone calls from people in this industry, the reasoning behind this decision is that the toxicity between myself and my ex partner may be harming the children and this alone justifies care proceedings. It doesn't seem to matter who is right or wrong, who is guilty or not guilty. The evidence I presented to the court was simply pushed to one side - it made absolutely no difference. This isn't a criminal court of law - evidence seems to mean nothing. All that the courts can see is that the mother and father are at each others throats and that this is harming the children.
I have no idea what the future holds - I have no idea if our children might be taken into care. Throughout our relationship I struggled to keep my children safe and free from any kind of harm - my ex partner repeatedly and obstinately refused to refrain from activities that could put them in harms way, was repeatedly neglectful, a bully who would listen to no reason or advice. IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE!
So a word of caution to all parents out there - if you are at the point of separation, sort things out amicably. The courts are inundated with cases, have little time to look at the merits of each case and there are often months between hearings. Social services and cafcass are similarly extremely overworked. If the courts or social services see that two parents cannot work together, that their relationship is so toxic that the children are suffering because of this, you could lose your children. I'm not saying this will definitely happen, but there seems to be a possibility.
Put your differences aside and find ways that both parents can see the children, no matter how much it hurts you individually. The children have TWO parents and have a right to see both of them as equally as possible. The differences between the parents are not the children's fault. All they want, and rightfully so, is to be able to live with and love their mom and dad. Separation is hard enough on them without having to be kept apart from either one of them.
It could take months before you get to court - you might decide you want to apply for legal aid (rarely granted as the government are doing everything they can to put an end to it), you will have to go through mediation before you can go to court. Your alternative to resolving things amicably may be a long and painful court process that results in an outcome that neither of you predicted, that hurts everyone involved. Especially the little ones.
What a powerful post that resonates very deeply with me. My wife & I have been together 18 years, 10 married and have 2 children aged 10 & 6 who we obviously both love very much, however my love loves alcohol a little bit more and has done for the past 5 years. She has refused to get any type of help but does promise myself and the children she will stop BUT if any of us "tell" we will have to sell the house, she will lose her job and then make sure I don't get to see them. After a particularly bad episode, I reached breaking point and told her parents who then came and saw her, and then her brother after yet another episode who then took her to his home to sober up, Imagine how stupid I felt to think things would get better with some additional support only to discover she had lied so convincingly to fool her own family into believing I was making everything up! I now knew we were on our own and had to do something so told the children never to drink from mummy's "water"bottles and to tell dad if mummy was acting "weird" like she had started to do more and more often. I started collecting receipts showing her buying wine & vodka, I took pictures of her passed out, pictures of empty bottles hidden in various places and countless pictures of receipts for co-codamol tablets that she had now also become very fond of. Another bad episode and as usual she denied all of this, so I presented her with the pictures I had to be told no one would believe this rubbish, it wasn't proof of anything and why had I taken them? My reply was because she needed to accept the problem, get help or face the consequences of losing her family, her home and her career to which I received several slaps. I knew I had to do something drastic for all our sake, so on the next occasion I videoed her behavior with the children begging her to leave or get help and showed her this the next morning which again brought about a charming response but failed to make her stop drinking. So we go on like this, and as 99% of people on this site, I put up with it for my 2 beautiful children, who I was told each time would go out of my life because no one would believe me however knowing they deserved a much better life and a much better father. I finally contacted social services for help and advice, telling them briefly the goings on then told them I had evidence of our home life and how my children needed to talk to someone and unload. They however, did not care about any evidence I had, couldn't offer us any support because I said the children were not in any danger themselves but once they managed to piece together the fact my wife is a teacher from what Id told them, they were elated that they could contact her school and cause trouble. They subsequently did and now my wife and children live at her parents and she is starting divorce proceedings instead of getting any help for herself or family, which is naively what I thought I might get with some evidence and a phone call to social services begging for help.
Maybe your partners family will witness first hand what her drinking is doing and the problems it is causing. Unfortunately for you, families will stick together and I doubt that they will be on your side. Of course the problem with any kind of substance abuse is that it is addictive and addicts tend to say or do anything to justify their behaviour - there is no telling what they will do next. The other problem is that it drastically alters the addicts ability to think clearly and rationalise.
You have my sympathy - you are clearly putting your childrens interests at heart and trying to do what is best for your whole family including your partner. Yet as the father, because the system is so biased, you are the one that is suffering (along with your children) while your partner gets to keep the children in her care. This is exactly my point - that the children end up in the care of the person who is most likely to put them at risk. And there seems to be little or nothing you can do about it.
In the real world, social services should be (at the very least) offering counselling and support to help her in the ultimate interests of the children. If things go to court, you should have social services on your side showing that the substance abuse is causing suffering to everyone involved. From my own experiences, I doubt that any of that will happen but I hope for everyone's sake it does.
If things were the other way around and it was you who was the person with the addiction, I dare say it would be a totally different situation. I have no doubt that before long you would be forced to see your children through a contact centre, that the courts would limit the amount of time you have with your children. In actuality, if things aren't resolved, you will possibly end up paying maintenance and further fuelling your partners addiction. The system drastically needs to change.
I wish I had advice for you - I don't even have any for myself at this point. I wish you luck and hopefully things will turn out well for all of you. The only logical thing I can suggest at this point is to try and adjust your partners way of thinking in a non-accusatory way to make her see how much her addiction is affecting your family. I would guess you have a long and difficult road in front of you.
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