[Solved] controlling ex partner

Hi and welcome to the forum, really sorry to hear about your situation, it is so common on this site 90% of the dads on here have exactly the same issues but rest assured there is was you can get contact with your kids and not have to put up with that behaviour so try not to worry.

May I ask have you got any arrangement in place through the courts to see your kids?

Hi no court action, I can see the kids but I am not allowed to enter the house which is her decision but I thought we could put our differences to one side for the kids but she does not seem to be able to do this. it was her decision not to try again so I am at a loss why all the animosity. And she always seems to ask what I am doing all the time which I find puzzling and like I said in my previous post my ex likes having control and I have explained to her that she does not have that right anymore which she did not take kindly to.

Hi Chelsea,
It sounds as though you need to get some ground rules in place... Contact with your ex should really only be necessary when it involves the children.
Limiting unnecessary communication also limits any potential for the ex to "push your buttons". My ex likes to be in control, and know exactly what is happening and when... She now has no information from me UNLESS it is relevant and to do with the kids and contact.

It makes it alot easier to get on with your life, and it focuses you on the children.

Regarding the house and the christmas visit - whilst I can totally see it from your point of view - she is technically within her rights to say that she doesn't want you at the house... So long as she isn't denying contact, there isn't honestly alot of comeback i'm afraid. In the end, it is all about her "control". She controls that space, that house - you are not allowed because she says so, it empowers her. I suspect it is perhaps a way of her coping with the situation - forcing a degree of distance... But, so long as the contact is being maintained - it's just the ex being difficult and that amicability eroding.

As Slim has said, alot of guys (and some girls) on this site experience similar issues, sometimes for extended periods of time.
I think that Slim would agree with me when I say - Never expect things to remain amicable! "Hope" that they stay amicable, but when it comes to contact and your kids - focus on the details of contact, times, dates, amounts, etc. and keep it amicable but formal...
To quote the Godfather, "it's not personal - it's just business".

Start from that mindset and work backwards - if some degree of positive relationship can be reformed, it's always a good thing, but never expect it to happen - just in case.

All the best,
BD.

Hi,
Interesting that you use the word controlling, I use that a lot to describe my Ex.

Obviously the reasons for the split are your business but what I would say to, and I speak with 9 years experience and a few court sessions under my belt, is this... From the timeline you give it's all very recent and has happened at a very stressful and emotional time of the year (Christmas). I would imagine that you've been really stressed and worried that your relationship with your kids will never be the same again, and things between you and the Ex are still very raw,..that's natural.
My advice would be to back off a little for a short time, give each other room to breath and come to terms with the split. Keep as much as possible away from the kids, and try not to get into verbal or Text wars with your Ex in an attempt to apportion blame, if it really is over between you, that side of things is irrelevant.
I have have two boys (11 and 15) and however much they love me and how ever good our relationship was or is, they live with their Mum and she is their primary influence and there's not much I can do about that, it does effect the kids but you can minimize that by acting as normal as possible around them, don't call or blame Mum for anything even if she's calling you fit to burn, let your kids see and hear nothing but positivity from you, just continue being a good Dad.
Be patient and try to resolve things as 'Parents'.. if that fails look at a getting a contact order in place through the family courts. It will cost you a flat fee of £215 but you don't need a solicitor and unless you've been a risk to the kids in the past you should have no trouble getting some regular allocated time with them. CAFCASS may well get involved and ask you both to attend a course called 'Pathways'.... Do it, you'll find it useful.

Good luck

Hi chelseaking,

I am sorry to read about the difficulties you are experiencing with your ex.

Your split is quite recent and must still be very raw for the two of you. I totally understand why you feel like she is trying to control you, it must be really frustrating.

Take a look at Splitting U? Put kids first. It will help you develop a Shared Parenting Plan and also has some videos to help you think about how and your ex can communicate better. When you are ready you can also invite you ex to view the Parenting Plan and start discussing how the two of you can arrange to parent your kids separate but together, Even if you don't want to invite you ex it can help you get straight in your own head what you need to consider and how you would like to arrange things.

I would also suggest that you consider if you are still finding it difficult to come to an agreement between yourselves to consider attending mediation together. We have information regarding mediation here

Keep talking.

Gooner