[Solved] Communication...or Not

Hi

I'm having real problems with my ex in terms of communication and in particular the recent Christmas holidays and where my daughter would spend it.

This is the first time I've spent it away from my daughter and it was extremely hard to take and so easily avoided if my ex would have discussed Christmas with me. We seperated nearly 5 years ago but over the years we've always managed to put our differences aside and spend Christmas at my ex's mothers house, who I still have a good relationship with and is very understanding and supportive.

This Christmas as in recent Christmas's her mum invited me down but I said I had to talk to her daughter first before any decisions could be made as things had been fractious between us. I tried contacting my ex about discussing Christmas but she was very evasive and wouldn't reply or if she did, it would be about something else. This went on for over 2 weeks. She's always does this when it comes to discussing holidays and especially Christmas time. It's an assumption we'll go to her mums and whilst I've had lovely times, things are different now and discussions are needed. I don't think it's unreasonable request.

When I finally decided to make a suggestion that we spend some time at her mums, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and then come back on Boxing Day (we both have new partners and I just would have liked to spend some time with her) It was met with a toxic text/email saying how dare I think of compromising her Mums and our daughters Christmas and went on to say that over the years, whilst at her parents, I'd been given free food and drink and generous cash gifts. My attitude was all wrong and I was being totally inconsiderate and how dare I assume I’d been invited.

The worrying bit is when she said it was for our daughter to decide where she spends Christmas. No child (she's 8) should be put in that situation. It's unfair. She's too young to make a decision like that and it's for the parents to decide.

A lot of this is to do with my daughter seeing her cousins at Christmas time and whilst I understand my daughter looks forward to seeing them, it shouldn't be the deciding factor of where she ends up at Christmas, they can always come and visit. I was very shocked and hurt at the severity of the email. It was a personal attack. Thankfully her mother doesn't have a problem with me and she's understanding that future Christmas's will have to be discussed first between me and her daughter before a decision is made. I did reply stating the problem lies with her inability to communicate clearly and always has and I shouldn’t be overlooked in important decisions.

She's a very controlling woman and I’ve had to hold back in saying certain things because I don’t want my daughter to get caught in the cross-fire. I work at a school and she expects me to cover most of the holidays in terms of childcare. Again, little or no discussions. I have to bring them up. While it's a privilege, having that time to be with my daughter, there has been an over dependance on me to look after her. I'm entitled to have some time off in the holidays as I work very hard. I've never made demands that my ex takes all the holidays off because she's self employed and know she has to work, however she earns good money and owns property and she can afford too, but there's a resistance when I want time off. We co-share but I would say it’s nearly 60-40 in the time spent looking after her during the year.

All I want is clarity when we communicate but I feel I'm not getting it and it causes a lot of friction and can sometimes filter into my relationship with my daughter as I get very frustrated with her mum.

I think what I'm trying to say in a long winded way (sorry) are there other dads who’ve experienced what I’m going through. I've looked into mediation but it's too expensive. I’ve never wanted this sort of relationship with my daughters mum as it serves no purpose, other than to cause stress but my patience is being tested and whilst my new partner has being very supportive, I worry what all this is doing to her.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks