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First post. My son has finally admitted his is a victim of coercive control and has been for many years. He is now going through the process of getting divorced and everything that entails. Long story short, he went to work and came home to find his wife and kids had moved out. The kids were informed about this by her as they were on a bus going to school. She is now only allowing him to see them every other weekend. He has been taking one of the children to a training club and will feed them before going. His wife has now said he must stop asking if his children want to go for tea. His eldest child has taken the mothers side and has disowned my son. The marital home is being sold and he has been paying the mortgage for months after she stopped contributing to all bills and the mortgage, even though she still lived there. She instructed her solicitor to make him sign over his car and has frozen what had been a joint account, even though her name was removed from it, now causing him financial hardship. The list of course goes on… how can we support him and his children, our grandchildren.
Hello Maisydoe,
Welcome to the forum, and thank you for sharing your family situation so openly. It reads as a very raw and difficult time currently for you all, especially for your son. Whilst I cannot give any legal advice on your sons situation, I would like to suggest the following, which hopefully will help in some small way.
The weekends that your son is able to have his children (except the eldest?) should be a time for them to focus on having fun together and doing activities where some 1-1 time can be facilitated or a new activity tried together. But, his eldest child can still be involved - in the sense that if the other children are making something, or have been bought a gift for example, then the eldest could receive a gift too. Even if it was to get home and not be well received, at least your son has tried. Keeping the communication going as much as possible is really important.
The times that your son is not with his family, is a time that he may need extra support himself, for his mental health. Please try to encourage him to talk with his trusted friends, family, or to seek counselling. There is plenty of excellent help and advice here on the Dad.info site. Perhaps invite him over for dinner a couple of times a week, ensure that he is able to get out for exercise, so that he is not isolating himself with all his worries.
For you as grandparents, the situation must be very distressing, and I would encourage you and your husband to allow time to process all that is going on. Keep talking to each other and to your son, if you can, tell each other, your son and your grandchildren that you love each other. It may sound easier said than done, but a little praise and encouragement can go a long way. Make sure that you are able to spend some quality time with your grandchildren, perhaps have one at a time if you can, choose something to do that only you can do with them. If you are able to financially, why not set up a savings account for them, so that when the time comes, you will be able to assist them with a school trip, or uniform or books for school, or a new hobby that they are doing. This in turn will help your son, as he copes with all the other financial pressures.
As hard as it maybe for the adults here, I think it's vital to say and to remember too, to the children this ex wife of your sons is still their Mum. However difficult it is, they have already been through trauma and are having to adapt to a lot of change. During play, they may want to still talk about Mum, which is fine, and when they are finished you can gently steer the conversation to something else or divert with another activity. Children sometimes need extra time to process how they are feeling and to come to terms with how their "new" family structure is looking. You have no control over how their Mum acts or what she may say to your grandchildren, but you can control how you are and what you say. There is a charity called Care For The Family, who offer support to all kinds of family situations, as well as Spurgeons, Fegans and the NSPCC.
I hope that you are able to support your son and grandchildren through this tough time, please let us know how things are developing.
Kind Regards,
Fegans Parent Support.
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