[Solved] Can't believe it...

Expect plenty more of that mate it will get worse before it gets better and do exactly as the police say 🙂

Good evening Pricey39,

The really sad piece is that we have developed a society where such trivia counts as harassment, and the police can become involved, that must be wrong but we all bear responsibility for letting it happen.

I agree this is daft, but the real aim here is to get a reaction from you so it can be used against you later, such is the nature of our adversarial court system. Under no circumstances accept a caution of harassment notice from the police.

Good fortune for the 21st.

O

Believe me she definitely won't get a reaction this time, I've learned the hard way!!

The sad news is that she has told everyone and I mean everyone from the school ground gossips to the next her next door neighbour who she hated and never spoke to in the 8 years I lived there that she is a victim of domestic violence how sad is that, she must of laid it on thick because they have put up a extra 2ft barrier on top of the gate so no one can climb over,my dad told me when he visited my daughter Christmas day...

At times it feels like everything is against me and all in favour of her,

I wish there was a way of putting a voice message off WhatsApp on here so you all could hear how upset my daughter is of not seeing me and playing with me that is emotional abuse on the witches side!!

Hi again Pricey39,

I'm afraid this is an extremely well trodden path. Most of this divorce business comes down to money, and I suspect (although you may tell me otherwise) this is no different.

Solicitors tell mums to make accusations of DV, that way they qualify for free legal aid, and the solicitor can be sure of getting paid by the taxpayer (plus any barristers he may choose to employ), it would seem that no proof of DV is required by the legal aid people, a female accusation seems sufficient.

An accusation of DV also helps in the next step, which is the mother securing residency with the child, and with it an income stream and justification for the greater part of the estate as a settlement. The state has created a strong causal connection between residency and money, hence the need to persuade a court that the father should not see his child much. There is already huge bias against fathers in CAFCASS, CSA and DPW, but a little accusation of DV helps reinforce it. I think the reason for the institutional bias in the state agencies is to keep the welfare budget down.

It will often seem that everything is against you, and for your child's mother, this is probably not you being paranoid (although it could be ...), it is because there really is a fair amount of bias against you, and this is really difficult to counter. This is the same for virtually all men, so try not to worry about it, just know it is there and will not be going away any time soon (there are no votes in men's rights).

What can you do about it? First, make sure you give your ex-wife no grounds to support her allegations, if she tells actual lies and it goes to court then they will probably be uncovered. Next, concentrate on your daughter, she is the important thing, and more important than money, it may take a very long time, but the truth will probably come out in the wash as long as you don't give up. If it is practical come up with a shared parenting plan, your ex-wife will hate this because she will lose money from the estate and CM, as well as control, but it may well be much better than the alternative for you daughter (and you). It is a good idea to have realistic aspirations, lots of men start out saying they are going to have full residency with their children, but there is just too much bias in CAFCASS to make that practical unless the mother is a prostitute who sells hard drugs to children as a sideline (and even then maybe not ...), it is probably realistic to aim for shared residency as long as you can prove it might work (job, house &c), but that is probably the best left of arc most fathers can reasonably hope for. Finally, don't give up, never, never, never give up on your daughter, many men do after a while, then they end up living on toast under a railway arch and never see their kids again.

Good fortune on the 21st.

O

Hi othen,

Thanks for your advice, I've told her I don't want anything to do with the house, when we split on 2 nd October we agreed that I could have my daughter overnight on a Saturday and one day in the week for tea, also agreed I would pay £240 for maintainance..then on the 9th the day before I was meant to have my daughter I was served a non molestation order, followed a couple of days later a letter arrived from child maintenance service....and because I have no visitation she is entitled to full whack £342 a month...

I will never give up.on my daughter she means to much to me..it's just a shame she is being used as a pocession not as our daughter..

Hi again Pricey39,

Again, this is a well trodden path, and none of this is surprising (in fact it is pretty predictable). The non-molestation thing will be used against you, as will those spent convictions you mentioned in your other post and the accusation of harassment at the railway station, expect all this to happen when tour ex-wife speaks with CAFCASS, remember, her aim is to reduce the time you can spend with your daughter.

Having said that CAFCASS has a bias (in my humble opinion, but there is lots of statistical and anecdotal evidence to support it), it does seem to like keeping fathers involved with their children, as long as it is not to a great extent (again, I think this is to keep the state welfare budget down, if fathers can be kept interested they will keep paying the CM so mothers will not have to claim benefits...). It sounds like you have a realistic aspiration to see your daughter alternate weekends plus for tea on another evening. As long as your ex-wife cannot prove you are a violent despot I think CAFCASS will probably like that idea. That amount of contact won't cut your CM bill, but it will enable you to develop a pretty good relationship with your daughter (make a point of telling CAFCASS that is what you want, and that you think that she would like that as well).

The CSA case does not surprise me at all: as I thought, this is largely about money. It is controlled by statute, so there is not much you can do about it.

You don't say how old you daughter is, but if you continue to focus on being a good dad for her that will be the best thing.

Good fortune,

O

Hi again othen,

My daughter is 8 and I haven't seen her since we split in october, to be honest she could have all my wages if it meant I could spend time with my princess, I personally think she was jealous how close we was..

There is no evidence of any physical abuse, no police records apart from when she phoned them in october because I went around a couple of times asking to see my daughter,
The only real evidence she has is where I have accused her of having an affair and calling her a few unsavoury names...by txt message
When I did get a solicitor involved I showed the statement she put for the non molestation order and she confirmed it was very weak and couldn't believe it got issued.

Cheers

It's so easy to get wrapped up in the injustice of it all, yeah we do get screwed over by the ex's and it does seem like the world is against you as the father and all for the mother but it only lasts for so long at the end of the day if you are no threat to the child then you will always get to be a part of your childs life the courts couldn't really care less what happens between you and the ex they will always be trying to get you to be civil to each other and co-parent your child. In a way having a Non mol can be a benefit as it makes sure you keep away from the ex whilst courts is going on and you can't fall victim to any more false allegations as like has been said it's so easy to get done for harassment.

My way of making sure the ex didn't get anything on me was to completely block her out my life and completely ignore her and everything she came out with she tried everything in the book to get me arrested so I changed my phone number 6 times, blocked her on FB locked my FB down removed all mutual friends and I din't speak a word to anyone about the courts and what was happening so nothing got back to her this is the only way to avoid anymore allegations the only time I spoke to her was at court mainly when she was screaming and shouting at me in the waiting area before we went into court lol

This absolutely enraged her as she couldn't get anything on me and it totally done her nut you will find that everything seems to be going her way for about 3/4 of the case and towards the end if you do everything by the book and you are whiter than white you will see things turning your way, trust me 🙂

Slim 🙂

Cheers slim,

The thing is we only live just over a mile apart so it's obvious that we will cross paths now and again...

This woman is a manipulative lier who is very good at getting people to believe what she is saying and in return gets people to tell her what she wants to hear she did that To me plenty of times...hopefully the courts and cafcass will see her for what she really is..

She put in her statement for the non molestation order that she is petrified of me and I was controlling by stopping her going out in the open and stopping her seeing her mother (by the way is worse then her) who lived in Somerset..she would go once every month for the weekend and also the week prior to us splitting she went to Stratford for the weekend..

She was that petrified of me that she was on a holiday abroad with me in August, knocking back the cocktails and having fun, which I have photo evidence...that petrified she also asked for certain branded clothing 10 days before splitting where I just gave her my bank card to go and get them while I looked after our daughter.. That petrified of me that she asked for £200 just days after the split which she got.....now does that sound like someone who is petrified, I really hope the courts see this!!!

Just try to steer clear and don't give her any opportunity to set you up.

If she continues making allegations through the court process, you will have an opportunity to challenge these and provide any evidence you can to do so. As everyone else has said, it's all too common a story I'm afraid. Keep posting and we will all try to advise and support as much as we can. Stay strong and be kind to yourself, it's a difficult process to go through but you're invested for all the right reasons.

Good luck

Good afternoon Pricey39,

Again this is not unusual, so don't worry about it too much.

Of course your ex-wife is not terrified of you, this is just part of the game. DV includes emotional pressure and exerting control, but unlike physical violence neither can really be disproved. Do you see: if your ex-wife says she is scared of you then who can say she is not unless they can be inside her mind The good news is that this accusation is rather irrelevant as this will be a residency hearing for your daughter, not a divorce settlement hearing for your ex-wife, so it really doesn't matter what your ex-wife thinks about you, as long as your daughter likes you. Roger so far?

Beware of a much more dangerous claim by your ex-wife that your daughter is scared of you or doesn't like you. This often follows if mothers get frustrated by courts not taking notice of their DV claims. This involves playing the mother card: my little girl told me that ... It is a pretty high stakes card for women to play because their children may not support them, and if they don't then their claims all fall apart. I think I remember that your daughter is 8, and will be starting to make up her own mind about things. I'm pretty sure that if your ex-wife does play this one CAFCASS will check with your daughter.

Yoda's advice is good. This will be a very difficult time for you, look after yourself well, don't resort to strong drink and keep focussed on your daughter.

Best wishes,

O