[Solved] Can she make me do ‘collect and pay’ even though I have been paying

If your paying every month via CMS then you can't be forced to be on collect and pay,I would give them a call to get 100% clarification.

I avoided the CMS all together by sucking upto my ex and being all nice ,giving her lifts(nobody else can help her),and I sold a private arrangement by saying that I will pay every Sunday night without fail but if she wants it earlier I can do this,

You must be smart and play the game,when the kid is 16 or 18 they will end up seeing you when they want,life's goes quickly enjoy as much as you can and eventually nothing she does will affect you if anything she will maybe find a way to get on with you,if you play the good tactic

ignore nonsense from the ex. at the start of CMS arrangement you would have decided when you make payments, so just stick to that and carry on as usual. let her waste her time ringing up CMS. if you feel threatened or harrassed, can always report it to police.

She’s angry because your in a new relationship and just wants to keep some control over you... it’s hot air in my opinion.

If you pay through the CMS you would have to go into arrears before they would put you on collect and pay, being a couple of hours late wouldn’t count.

If you don’t pay through the CMS, she would have to open a claim and even then couldn’t ask for collect and pay until you actually went into arrears, so either way, I don’t think you have much to worry about.

All the best

Thanks for your replies. We do t do anything through CMS we had an agreement between us that I will bank transfer each payday for the month previous depending on how many days I had them.

All of it is just her way on controlling me and I know I bow down too much as she then threatens me with not being to see the kids.

Last year out of my holiday entitlement I had 1 day booked off for myself and I had kids every weekend so 1 day for myself to do something.

Next month I planned to go away with my new partner to a friends wedding in Czech, but it falls on weekend which are supposed to be my days and again this is just a verbal agreement. Am I being bad by telling her she can have them for 1 weekend and this is the only weekend I will have ‘off’ to have some time for myself and enjoy a friends wedding? Or because they are ‘my days’ am I being bad by not having the kids??

It's standard that every other weekend is a work to approach but both you can your ex have a life your not robots,

Surley there will be times she's away on holiday with the kids say 10 days so you will have to miss a weekend or swap
And you are absolutely entitled to a holiday to your self for a week or 2 weeks just mark down months in advanced that you won't be available for contact.

Both of you should have holidays for your selfs too,At the moment I do every other weekend but if I'm on holiday then my mum or her mum has my son if it falls on my weekend or we just leave it and I do contact when I'm home but very much depends on the relationship and how fixed things are ?

It’s absolutely reasonable to expect some give and take, as Danbruno says, you’re entitled to some down time, especially as you are in a new relationship. Separated parents need to be flexible, I’m sure there will be many times in the years to come when arrangements will need to be adjusted... that’s just life!

Go away and enjoy your break and don’t feel guilty... you’re a great Dad!

Thanks.

Went off again today. Asked me if I’d cancelled the holiday, told her no, next min she’s banging at the front door telling to get kids dressed she’s taking them home.

I refused and refused and even said I will call the police if she keeps kicking the door/window. Kids were crying as they were scared and begging me not to call the police. I couldn’t do it just because of them. So I let her take them, then telling me im not seeing them again until agreement is done... it’s their birthday Wednesday and I have big party planned for the Saturday.

I feel I may have to give in and cancel this trip away for wedding as I want my kids with me. She’s telling them I don’t love them I don’t want them I don’t like them being wit me I would rather just my new partner be with me... I can’t cope anymore.

That’s terrible... she is doing this to your children, not you and if you give in now, it will just get worse. Every time she wants her own way, she will kick off because it works!

Only you can put a stop to this, but it will take determination and patience and in my opinion, a proper court order.

You’re being held to ransom, with your kids as a weapon, their distress is her fault not yours. To change the situation you must be strong, I understand that you don’t want to miss their birthday, but if you stand your ground and get this sorted once and for all, you won’t need to again.

If she kicks off again record it, write down what has happened today, what she said to the children and what she was doing to your property.

You are entitled to a life and to see your children, it’s not an either or!

Your first step would be mediation, if that failed or she refused to attend you can apply to court for a child arrangements order to get some boundaries and a proper schedule in place. You can do this with or without a solicitor, so don’t worry if you can’t afford one, we will advise and support you as much as we can.

Stay strong Bob

is it possible to write up an agreement by myself? Or do I need it to go through a solicitor?

Just thinking if I’m able to write it up myself without having to pay for solicitor then better for me not paying money out.

The agreement with us is Friday after school, Saturday, Sunday (drop off at 7pm) are my days. Through the week hers.

I’ve never liked the idea of having an agreement writ up and signed because we are both the parents, regardless of what’s going on between us it’s about them. Shouldn’t be they only line on certain days and hers on others, we should be working together, helping each other out for the sake of them and ourselves to have some life. If she ever needed me to have them during the week I would do it at the drop of a hat because I love my boys and want to see them as much as I can. She won’t do a single thing for me.

There’s no problem writing up the agreement yourself, you can add that days and times are flexible and can be added to or changed as agreed, in the best interests of the children.

I understand totally what you’re saying about working together, but that takes both parents in agreement with that... by the sound of it she isn’t onboard with it and for that reason you may need something legally binding.

Best of luck

Put simply, if you can work well together, then you don't need to draft anything in writing, and the fact that you are wondering whether you can write it yourself means that there must be at least some disagreements, so I would definitely follow mojo's advice on this.