[Solved] Can i bethe residing parent?

Hi There,

It is possible to gain residency, but it isn't an easy process and nothing is set in stone, the courts tend not to move residency from one parent to the other unless there are very good reasons which would normally around risk of harm to the child which it doesn't sound as though there is.

I understand that you could offer more, but that wouldn't be good enough grounds, you would need to firstly need to attempt mediation and see whether your ex would agree and then apply to court if she didn't.

My view is that if you tried mediation and you didn't get the result you wanted it would be a good gauge as to how court would go, if your ex wouldn't agree then the judge probably wouldn't make an order against that, unless as said there is a serious risk of harm.

GTTS

I agree with GTTS in that a court is extremely unlikely to change who your son resides with however much more you can offer. At the moment, all you can do is to offer as much support to him as possible, and once her gets to around 10 or 11, then a court would start to consider his views if he wants to move,

I feel I have to work now at this being a possibility otherwise if I don't do anything I will look back in regret in what was a wasted opportunity.

I know that she is now instilling loyalty conflicts, and has a campaign of denigration against me and trying to use my son to go against me.

Over the 6 weeks holidays she was poisoning his mind saying that I left his a baby, and that he remembers etc - quite disturbing she is bringing the same nonsense up when she left the marriage 8 months pregnant and became estranged. It came to the point whereby he became very angry, aggressive and violent towards me. I had to acknowledge how he felt but also to make him see sense at 6 years old. I have recorded video evidence. I also sent her text about this - and she has not responded or addressed this as to why she is doing it.

Also, she was insisting that I take him to work trip which I had to take for 3 weeks during summer holiday - very strange behaviour as she would not negotiate the split 3 months earlier. She was also filling his head that im not going for work and that im going on holiday and not taking him. Apparently the year before he became upset when I did a road trip to Europe with my mates after he spent a week with me, which he or she knew nothing about apparently because I never took him.

This summer my turn on summer holidays, second day in she called him and insisted that he come home straight away and something has happened. When I asked her what has happened she could or did not want to answer and said she just wants him back. When I did not agree she became very abusive towards me. Now that same night my son became very weary of his mother and was trying to speak with her on the phone. She scolded him on the phone and made him aware that he is in trouble. he became very upset as she cut the phone off and he tried calling her several times to which she was ignoring him and he becoming more upset. he went from I want to go home to mommy to I never want to go to mummy again. When it was my time to return him end of the week, he did not want to return to her. At the collection/handover location he was insistent he does not want to return and as I tried to pick him up from my vehicle she came around like a raging luncatic stating ' You Mr are in really BIG BIG Trouble'. It was at this point I almost lost it and told her to back off and asked what has he done. She put her hands on me several times creating a scene as I put him back in the vehicle as I asked her to calm down. This was again a conflict she creates in front our son which is not good. I tell him its not his fault but the kids cant help being compounded by this. All the way through he said he does not want to return, but what did i do. i did the moral thing and failed my son and returned him to her. I will never fail him again and next time I will keep him, this was the most painful thing I did.

i made sure that those around who witnessed her behaviour and her saying to my son he is in trouble at the car park made sure they saw her actions, raging lunatic to suddenly crying feel sorry for me. Even they asked me why is she shouting at your son, you just picked him up out of the car and saying he is in big trouble,

It was this point after all the brunt of putting up with her nonsense, her not taking up on the support on offer, her denigration of me to our son i have had enough. She is emotionally abusing my son and creating conflict. She does not have the maturity to facilitate a harmonious environment between two households, therefore she shouldnt be given control and the majority of the time with our son.

I did put a complaint in to the police with her putting her hands on me repeatedly and got a crime number for the day. i spoke with NHS, cafcass and god knows who during this time and it was all swings and roundabouts no support.

Yesterday i spoke with rethink mental, wo advised i speak with family rights group. After managing to get through to them they breifly advised after explaining that they can only get involved if children services are involved but did offer my three pieces of advice
1, offer her or recommend professional support for mental health support - which she would never accept. 2, I sever contact with my son in order reduce conflict as i seem to be the responsible person and it could free the effect it may have on my son - ignoring he wont have a father, 3 is begin accruing evidence against her so that he lives with me. Relisticly point 2 & 3 are the only options - with 2 never going to be accepted by myself.

She has CMS harassing me saying she has not recieved payment - in fact proof to CMS shows i have - she jut wants me to go collect and pay.
She is not buying him the casual clothes only makes him wear what i send incl underwear!! Hasnt returned my uniform. Lead me to calling her out why she has a problem spending on him.

This week she is refusing my phonecalls so that i cant speak with my son - only because i want to praise him about his progress in school. She accused me that him spending time with me every other weekend is making him exhausted at school and affecting his school. I asked her to explain how via text and again she has not addressed this.

This has prompted me to call his school yesterday to ask the Family Support Worker to get involved to check upon my son and that they have a duty to inform me of his progress and keep me aware of any issues. Of course his school has said that they do not have a support worker which is BULL - every school has one. But will speak with his teacher and will call me today. I have had no response yet.

I aim to have my son live with me so he can be away from conflict, continuously gain confidence and become empowered. If anyone has any advice or how to pursue to obtain residency or shared residency please let know or get in touch. I am aware this will have to go back to court for a variation but given her track record and histroy and me always ignoring and giving benfit of the doubt 'based on court and solicitor advice' is dampening down making me not address the significane impact this is happening to my son and the damage it is causing. I just sit back and allow this to happen. I am more determined than ever this time around and not going to allow i mental psycopath who does not like responsibility the control, games and conflict ruin mine or my sons life. Its barmy and ridiculous.

I would really appreciate those who encountered or experienced similar or share your story and can best advise how and what routes i can take to have my son live with me. I could really do with constructive pointers not negative bashers tell me that is unlikely i will ever get him - no offense to anyone im fully aware of this but i always like to find ways for a solution to a problem.

It’s a difficult one. You’re absolutely right about the emotional abuse and the impact this will have on him for the rest of his life, and you’re the only one who can protect him from that.

Having said that, you need to be realistic about the game you’re playing. It’s not a level playing field and you’re starting from down hill. Residence is the mother’s to loose, not yours to win. You need to measure your steps carefully. If you go to court, eventually a social worker will be asking your child about what he wants. This will likely be a few months after you make an application, which gives the mother time to escalate pressure on him to breaking point.

I don’t have direct experience to be able to advise, but I would definitely suggest the following:

1. Read read read. Amy Baker’s “Parenting with a toxic ex” and Karen/Nick Woodall’s “Understanding parental alienation” come to mind.
2. Talk to the experts. If you can afford it, contact a service like the family separation clinic or the institute of family therapy, they understand what’s going on and will be able to advise well beyond any advise you’ll get on the Internet.

Finally, I’d say you’d be better off with the school on your side, so careful how you deal with them, it’s easy to turn them against you because they don’t understand what’s happening.

There’s a charity called “Dads unlimited” who have hired someone who used to work as a family liaison officer in schools. She has experience in the area. If you contact them, she can talk to the school for you, which increases your chances of getting the school on your side. Find them at https://www.dadsunltd.org.uk, they are funded by grants so won’t charge you anything. They are based in the southeast, but operate nationally.

They also hold monthly meetings, and 3 of the guys there had residence reverted in their favour, so it’s possible, but you need to go into it with eyes wide open, it may well be the hardest thing you’ve ever been through, and the stakes for your child are high.

I think we all appreciate how you’re feeling, nobody wants to be a “negative basher” but we are realists and it doesn’t help anyone to give false hope or gloss over the reality.

How long has it been since you got your final order? If it’s at least six months, then you can think about a new application for a variation, and going for a shared care agreement would be more likely to be successful.

As there are no serious safeguarding issues, you would need to attend mediation, this may give you some. Idea of how things might pan out, if she refuses to attend then you know you will have a fight on your hands to get what you want.

As you probably know, if mediation fails, the mediator will sign off the application to enable you to take it to court. You could start by applying for him to live with you, but being prepared to compromise by agreeing to a shared care arrangement.

Whatever you decide, mediation must be your first step.

Best of luck

This is a sad story.

sid4u seems to be a decent chap trying to do the right think for his son, but we all know that there is so much bias against fathers that it would be almost impossible for him to become the resident parent for his child without the mother's consent. It really doesn't matter much how bad a lifestyle the mother leads (I cite Paula Yeats as an example) - the child will be left with his mother.

I'm so sorry sid4u, be the best dad you are able to under the circumstances.

Best wishes,

O

Mate, you need to get out of that defeatist mind set. With all due respect to her and her family, Paula Yates passed nearly 20 years ago. Sadly, so has her daughter whom the family court failed to protect. Times have moved on. Yes there is still bias, but not as much as there was 20 years ago.

There are a lot of success stories out there that never make it to the news.

I find that the less I moan about “the system” and the more i focus on caring for my son, the better results I’m getting in court. And yes, it’s a pain and it’s unfair, but moaning doesn’t help.

Well said superprouddad.....

I think it's important to bear in mind that the stories on forums are usually at the extreme end of the spectrum.

For the most part, the family court works well. There isn't anywhere near as much bias as there used to be and it is constantly moving forward slowly but surely.

I would say about 80% of the cases I have assisted with have either had good outcomes or been dealt with fairly and efficiently......

I agree with Yoda - stories on the forum and in the media tend to be where it's gone wrong, and if you counts these, it's maybe in the hundreds. But there are tens or hundreds of thousands that you don't hear about, and that's probably because they have been settled reasonably. Everyone one here has knowledge or experience of where it does go wrong, but there are also plenty of cases on here where it has subsequently gone well (unfortunately, not in all cases),